PUMPKINHEAD III: part 1 of 2

we find it hard to believe that they haven't decided to make
pumkinhead iii out in hollywood, so here's the treatment:

The Pumpkinhead is a soulless monster from the Netherworld that is conjured up with a evil magic spell by people looking for revenge on their adversaries. He's been around since the age of the dinosaur. In the original Pumpkinhead, a distraught father asked an old witch to conjure up Pumkinhead to wreak revenge on the drunk teens who ran over his kid with a dirtbike. Revenge was wrought. I don't know what happened in Pumkinhead II because I haven't seen it yet, but suffice it to say there's some sort of revenge plot going on. In Pumkinhead III, the evil beast is brought back to earth from the far reaches of Hell for another damned mission spawned by one of the most powerful emotions of all - Love .

Rudy Williams is a producer at a local news channel - Power News 12. Rudy's worked there for 10 years now and it was Rudy himself who gave anchorwoman Betty Windsock, now a local news starlet in her own right, her start in the biz. Rudy always had strong sensual feelings for Betty ever since he hired her, but she would have nothing to do with him and instead was riding the jock of resident weatherguy Brett Caliper. This is where the Pumpkinhead monster comes in. Scorned lover Rudy Williams conjures up the Pumpkinhead to slaughter Brett Caliper in order to get him out of the romantic picture so to speak and to make way for Rudy's lustful desires towards the heavenly Betty.

That was his first mistake.

As soon as Rudy casts the Pumkinhead spell, there's a huge thunderclap and ominous lightning begins striking all around the news station. Pumkinhead appears out of the ether and is, quite literally, beast with a pumpkin for a head, long claws, and rippling muscles to boot. Pumpkinhead sets to work right away ripping Rudy in half straight down the middle. There's no hope for his unrequited love now. Pumkinhead tears a photograph of Betty off the wall and lumbers out the door as the camera lingers on the blood, intestines, and black guts of our doomed hero, Rudy. The camera zooms and slowly dissolves from the slippery viscera to some PIZZA SAUCE being slathered all over a pizza down at everyone's favorite restaurant THE PIZZA HUT.

Cal Phelps, pizza boy, is busy making the pizzas for the legendary Hallow's Eve Pizza Hut rush. He's pissed because he usually takes care of the deliveries in his Izuzu pup pickup truck, but tonight he's pulling double duty because the dude who normally makes the 'za is nowhere to be found. Cal heads to the walk-in freezer to get a jug of pepperoncini, but when nears the door he hears the Bob Marley song "Three Little Birds" coming from inside. He opens the freezer to find
his co-worker screwing the rastafarian PIZZA HUT manager, Patty. Patty is as mean as a snake and just as stoned. She's always got a fatty spliff hanging on her lip and an oversized tiedyed t-shirt with one of those afghan hats cocked sideways on her dreads. "Deliver that 'za, motherfucker!" Patty grunts as a giant link of pepperoni falls from the ceiling and lands *splat* on the floor in a conspicuous way. Cal slams the freezer door behind him as he grabs his deliveries from the warming area and heads for the truck.

TO BE CONTINUED

Intern Dormitory

"I'm just a lowly janitor here at the Intern Dormitory and boy am I bored on this Saturday night. -but wait! What's that ruckus coming from upstairs?..."

this is what it's like at the Intern Dormitory:

unsafe for work

Ass Tank

The story revolves around this small little bar-b-que joint that is in the desert in New Mexico. Its fucking good meat. This place actually kicks the shit out of all that "high-falutin" Texas bbq. I hate how Texas always brags about how their pulled pork can shit on your pulled pork and still make it taste better. Fuck Texas, their reign is done. Needless to say this bbq shack is not for the weary. They are famous because they invented SCALDING BBQ. Sent 3 customers to the hospital with charred colons back in the summer of ‘91 (Lanny still thinks this was his best batch). This type of BBQ has hot peppers, pablano peppers, steak peppers, habanero peppers, shark peppers, nail peppers, axe peppers, butt blast peppers, payote peppers, pretty much any kinda melt your face off kinda kick.

They add it to a special sandwich called the "Ass Tank" which includes:

Hash (the meat), gravy, peppers (see above), pepsi, slaw, relish, onion rings, ground beef, crickets, eggs, Italian ham, philly connection, grass, papaya juice, clear gravy, gun powder, whale meat, and pig lips. They mix all of this together into one "patty" if you will and serve it on New Mexico Toast - which is two dried leaves.

Now this is their famous sandwich, which locals (not that there are many) will drive for hours to eat on weekends. People driving through though, usually don't have the stomach for something like this and cant get through 1/3 of the beast before they are "Dixie Trailin'" it to the bathroom. Novices.

Well the story starts out on a normal day at "The Cabinet"(name of the joint). Lanny the owner is getting his bbq ready for the day after the pig slaughter the night before. 11:45am the bell on the front door jangles as the first customers of the day stroll through. Little to his knowledge, it's the Foo Fighters. They are in town for their 2005 World Tour Kick off in Roswell, NM which is right down the road a hundred miles. They had the morning off before their show and the mexican masseuse from their hotel had recommenced this place for a unforgettable meal. They had borrowed the van from their roadies and found some mushrooms in the glove compartment during their drive. They all popped the rest of the bag. By the time they got to The Cabinet, shit was swirlin.

"We'll be with ya in a moment, boys" Lanny hollered from behind the counter as he finished up brewin' the sweet ass tea. "Just gotta finish up the extinguisher! HAHA!"

Three of the Foo's ordered the "Ass Tank" and their drummer ordered a "Lets Hash It Out, Dear" - corned beef hash with gravy and a bowl of cactus juice for dipping.

The story takes off from here because while they are eating - the Foo's (and Lanny) hear a rumbling coming from down the road far in the distance. Like a stampede of cattle coming to save their brethren from these asshole rock stars scarfing em' down. Well, instead of cattle it was a gang of gays. Gay men in the most stunning leather chaps you had seen since this side of a Judas Priest reunion. Acutally all 5 original members of Judas Priest were in this gang. The gang of 45-60 park their bikes and just start shooting these shotguns into the air, all the while chanting "POO POO ON FOO" and "EVERLONG DICKDONG"and snapping. Somehow the two phrases perfectly intertwined with each other into this hypnotic trance. They take off their chaps and all of them are wearing some sort of spandex. Lanny was gone, he split about 5 minutes before realizing the Gay Gang was back. He almost paid with his life last time they were in town.

Dave Grohl is confused as shit, he had never seen these guys before but it seemed as if they knew him and his band of merry jokesters. Before he could gather his thoughts on the situation and take his eyes off the beautiful boys outside, he looked back to his table to realize the chant had enraptured his band mates - they are walking like zombies out the front door of The Cabinet. He tried to stop them, singing lyrics to their songs to try and snap them out of it but they were in the zone, man. Soon they were already outside. Within 4 steps of the exterior of the rib shack, the gay dudes execute the 3 members of the Foo Fighters in a bizzare display of marksmanship spelling out "Don't Fuck With The Fags" scrawled out in buckshot across the dead bodies. These effervescent males werent to be crossed. Grohl, devastated, slumps down behind the door as he locks it. His bandmates, his friends, fucking dead - and none the less slaughtered by a gaggle of pink purses!

What we have now is a regular New Mexican Standoff. Grohl had to survive the fag bash. All he had to work with was what was left behind by Lanny, the cook. He barricades the doors with a bunch of the booths and his mind is racing with how he can defend himself and get back to Roswell alive...all of a sudden - IT HITS HIM!

THE ASS TANK THAT IS! He has to shit worse than EVER! We are talking vomiting out of your butthole shit, we are talking your gall bladder sounds like a biplane shit, we are talking already a little dribble squirted shit! He dances his way across the restaurant and makes it to the commode just in time for World War III - as he is blasting it loose - gripping the sides of the toilet praying for mercy, the Gay Gang outside had decided to shoot up the place! (Shots going back and forth b/w Grohl screaming while shitting and the gay dudes totally blasting the front of this place up with their massive pulsating guns.) Glass is shattering and asses are splattering. After both parties have a bout that lasts a good 3 minutes - there is pretty much nothing left. Nothing left in Grohl's colon, and nothing left of the bbq joint. The store is completely demolished - they had razed everything.

Grohl realized something. His shit, and the ASS TANK had saved him from certain peril. Grohl cleaned up quietly and listened for the gang's next move. 5 of the homosexual men come walking in to through the now, frontless restaurant, glass cracking under their bitchin leather boots. They head for the kitchen, where they raid the cooler of all the wine coolers - throw em in a bucket with ice and head back out the front door for a celebration party. Grohl hides out dormant in the bathroom. He overhears the gay dudes celebrating the fact that they had killed their main objective. DAVID GROHL. They went on to give the background of the grudge, in one of their video's Grohl and his bandmates mocked gay people in a fake Mentos commercial and also dressed as women in another. Then proceeded ti make fun of cross dressing in a interview!

"Fuck This" Grohl says to himself. He quickly devises his plan. He knew immediately that he had to somehow get out of this bathroom. He checked around the bathroom looking for an escape plan and quickly remembered the pipes he had seen earlier (he had noticed too much, at that time was only concerned with clearing his bowels). He soon found himself scaling the wall using the pipes as a latter. He noticed one specifically - "To Septic Tank". He reaches the ceiling and stealthily climbed into the ceiling tiles and made his way through the bar joists towards the kitchen area.

Outside the twinks are enjoying some Bartles and James assuming Grohl The Growl was dead as the pigs out back.

[Camera shots of Grohl assembling some sort of cart using all the equipment in the kitchen - glancing outside to ensure the Gay Gang didnt see him]

[Next shot we find Dave working out at the entrance to the septic tank - attaching a long hose to the spout]

Back to the interior of the kitchen where Grohl is thinking to himself - "this better work D, or your ass is grass in more ways than one!" He walks over to the jukebox - slides in a quarter...

Finally back out to the party ensuing outside where the gang is getting tipsy off the many downed coolers. Next thing they know - EVERLONG comes blasting from the front of the restaurant. A collective "HUH" was heard. Slamming through the debris squatting atop a gleaming carriage of kitchen panneling comes DAVE GROHL with a massive hose cocked and ready under his arm. It was the ASS TANK! He had converted two hand trucks and the meat delivery cart into a shit spraying death dealer. Cause really what would that gang hate more than stinky and dirty shit? Before the dudes could make it to their guns, Grohl was pumping gallons upon gallons of feces upon the truly flabbergasted fanny boys. Slipping and sliding, it was something straight out of a three stooges episode. After all the twinks were flailing on the ground and crying, Grohl runs around and collects all the shotguns. SHOOTS EVERY LAST ONE OF THE MEN WHO TRIED TO TAKE HIS OWN LIFE....ALL EXCEPT FIVE.

He quietly walks over to the remaining roughneck randy boys and offers them respite from the death gun! The five were none other than the original members of Judas Priest. They hop in the van and 2 hours later are rocking the fuck out of the crowd who had been patiently waiting for the Foo Fighters to kick their asses loose. Showered, Clean, and rocking once again, the boys from Judas Priest realized just how lucky they were that day to escape with their own will. Grohl was front and center just grinnin' like a little fucker...

The tour has started, MAN!

Trapped in the Closet (part 5 Remix)

I attended a "Trapped in the Closet" marathon the other night with Jay Domingo and numerous other good folks when Jay had the good idea of everyone coming up with their own version of what should have happened in part 5. I said "Hey, good idea", so here's my remix:

(for those not with it, part 4 ends when R. Kelly turns down his girl's bed covers and finds a rubber)

R.Kelly kicks the rubber off the bed and tells his girl to begin talking quick. She tries to explain what's been going on, but R. knows.

"Shut yourrrrr mouth. You got nothing to explainnnnn"

R. walks over to the closet and who does he find...Muthafucking JAY-Z! As soon as he opens the door Jay starts rapping. Jay drops a hot verse that brings R. to his knees. R. is singing:

"I thought we was friendsss to the endzz.
How could you do this to me
with my beautiful lady?"

Oh, but Jay-Z is still rapping. He tells R. that he isn't done and he's got another surprise. Jay-Z opens the door to the bathroom and Snoop Dogg emerges from the smoked-out bathroom wearing nothing but a towel and rapping like crazy.

Kells is still singing, but confused now

"Snoop you too? But there was only one rubber."

Snoop raps

"Fuck that, I ain't no sucker
just a real muthafucka
that never wears a rubber"

R.Kells is floored. He's singing to his girl, "Whyyyy, Girlllll? Whyyyy you gotta double team behind my back with Jigga and Snooooop?" Her ass is passed the fuck out though, so she's not singing.

R. goes downstairs and calls the cops on his trusty cell phone. "Help! Cops, some fools broke into my house and they are smoking marijuana upstairs. Please come arrest them!" The cops show up and to R.'s surprise it's the same cop who pulled him over in part 4 with his partner, Chuck, Rufus's gay lover.

The cops decide that they can't arrest Snoop for pot, so they just start partying. Everybody wants Kells to party too. Jay-Z extends the olive branch; "Kells take a hit of this shit / Let's learn to forgive and forget" Mr. Kelly accepts, but doesn't know it is really PCP. He starts fucking zooming. Crazy fucking zooming. "Trapped in the Closet" goes directly into an all out psychedelic jam version of "I Believe I Can Fly" complete with a 5 minute guitar solo from "Dark Star" played by R. Kelly on the piano.

Genetic Barn

Animals (and the ghosts of animals) mutated in laboratory experiments haunt and kill the sorority girls occupying their old barn.


Lots of hot girls and mutated animal gore.

The Best Little White House in Washington

A sexy romantic comedy from Scarnsworth and myself


The story of Bob Sanders, a big time news anchor who could have any woman he wants, but his heart longs for only one...the first lady. As you know, the first lady is not an easy woman to woo, but Bob can tell that she is disinterested in her husband and is yearning for love. He sets out to court her, but his advances fail to make an impression on her. Around this time Bob begins to take notice of two young lads at the station who have all the female employees in an uproar. He hires these two as his personal assistants in helping him in his goal to make the first lady his.

The assistants begin styling Bob and giving him some tips. They set him up on warm-up dates with some high profile women, one of which is the secretary of state who falls madly in love with him, and soon his romantic life is on fire. While Bob is working on his game and his pursuit of the first lady, our two young professionals came upon their first big story. Over the past couple of weeks there has been a string of bodies being dug up and molested at a local cemetery. The lads are working hard on the story, but instead of getting any cracks in the case, they are getting death threats. Eventually, they come upon some clues and notice that they all point towards one place...the White House!

Everything builds up to a climatic, belly-aching, knee-slappingly hilarious bedroom-to-bedroom sex romp chase at the White House. Bob and the first lady finally uniting in love, the secretary of state trying to chase Bob into her bed because she doesn't know that he's there with the first lady and our young heroes trying to chase down a shovel-carrying President, who is trying to avoid everyone!

Here's a sneak peek at the movie poster

Durango Fugitive

Choose your own adventure: Fellaz...add on to this as you wish...take the story where it goes. Feel it.


Characters (feel free to add more):

Apolinario Sanderson - Main Character aka JETS
Catalina Vasquez - Mother of Apolinario
DeShaun Sanderson - Father of Apolinario
Danny Walkabout - Kitchen Manager "BDBs"
Jackrabbit Double G's - Disc Jockey at "BDBs"
Omega - Stripper at "BDBs"

Our main character Apolinario works at a mixed sex strip club as the dishwasher and fill in DJ. He is the son of Catalina Vasquez a daughter of Mexico and true loyalist to the rich history of their sacrificial culture - and DeShaun Sanderson, an African American fur trader who once lived in San Antonio. Apolinario is mulatto.

The opening will have him working his ass of at "BDBs" the dual staged strip club for both men and women. (BDB - Boobs, Dicks, Boobs). The shot will open on the gigantic BDBs sign, lit up and flashing like it was in the middle of auditioning for sign of the year on the Las Vegas Strip. The camera will swing down and enter the front door in a fast frame that flies the shot through the interior layout of the club as it is bustling on a Friday night. It goes through the mens dressing room, the women's dressing room (various sexual acts going on, coke, booze), the kictchen, and finally rests upon Apolinario washing dishes at a fevered pitch. Apolinario is the only honest worker in the entire joint. Trying to pay that rent, yet he also has a love for the human body and holds it in serious regard.

At its outset it's a normal Friday night, he figures he is going to start the evening dishwashing and towards the end of the night take over for Jackrabbit Double G's - the club's premier DJ who has a bad habbit for sex parties, extra tight holes, the white train, and leaving his shift early for aforementioned treats. However, tonight there are celebs in the club, so it is extra busy. Apolinario has pretty much only one coworker that will give him the time of day. A beautiful stripper named Omega took a liking to him his first week and dubbed him JETS. She will swing by twice a shift to say hello and find out how things with Jets are going. Jets likes Omega a lot, not yet in a sexual way due to the fact that he has seen her naked probably 2000 times, but she is different and he feels like he can open up to her. She has a tattoo of a wolf with a bandanna battling an bowie knife on her shoulder. Her absolute favorite drink is a "Salty Dog"...

The Old Man

I wrote this down as an outline about two years ago, while living in Dalton. I thought Rippy could play the title character, an older man who loved too passionately. After telling the story to a friend I realized that it sounded like The Old Man and the Sea, which I’ve never read, but with a rug instead of a fish, or water, or whatever. Maybe I mean to say it’s more like Moby Dick?

Anyway, it starts the Old Man walking down the sidewalk of a busy four-lane road, the sort of thoroughfare you exit onto from the interstate. He goes into a Burger King, orders a meal, and asks Rosalita, the middle-aged Hispanic woman at the register, to join him. She tells him to wait a few minutes. He sits down, starts to eat. Rosalita comes and sits with him on her break. He’s been doing this every night for two weeks, since first arriving in this town. Something about Rosalita calls out to him, maybe the patchwork of creases on her dry face, or the coarse hands that suggest her hardscrabble life. Anyway, it’s obvious that he’s in love.

As they talk, the Old Man tells Rosalita about his previous jobs, each one an example of how he loves too passionately. In the 1970’s he was a roadie for Emerson Lake and Palmer, specifically Greg Lake’s rug roadie. Lake had a $6000 rug that he stood on every night during his bass solos, and he kept the Old Man on staff to insure the rug got taken care of. At first just another job, the Old Man quickly came to love this rug, passionately and resolutely. The rug became the main focus of his existence. He’d never leave the rug’s side, except for the three hours or so a night that Lake and the rug were on-stage. He’d load it off the bus and clutch it tightly to his chest until time came to lay it upon the stage. When the concert ended, the Old Man was the first roadie out, rolling up that rug and drawing it deep against his bosom. He gave up drinking and drugging with the other roadies, eschewed residual groupie action and the crazed excesses of the late ‘70’s arena-rock life. He stopped riding in the body of the bus, preferring to sleep in the cargo hold with the rug. The rug consumed his entire being. As the tour wound down, he began to realize that he and the rug would be separated, perhaps forever. One night he tried to abscond from the tour, with his precious rug in tow; he was found out, however, and an unsympathetic Lake fired him. Lake didn’t even let the Old Man say goodbye to the rug. A part of the Old Man died that day, perhaps the greatest part.

Before his roadie job he was a soldier in World War II, a carnival wrestler in Blackpool, and, at 13, the youngest member of Parliament.

I have no idea what happens at that Burger King. He probably wins a free Whopper, or breakfast sandwich, or something.

the unwanted : second post addendum

The actual unwanted will be a weird, cloud-like mass of spectral baby ghosts. Did you see the Hulk movie? remember when Nick Nolte inexplicably turned into a giant red jellyfish-looking brain-thing at the end? it'll look kind of like that, but will be composed of distinct baby / fetal-looking apparitions. basically it'll be a giant fetus-looking thing composed of dozens of smaller fetus ghosts. they come for the mothers, speak to them in a creepy baby voice, and then engulf and suffocate them. maybe we can get somebody famous to do the unwanted's voice(s).