Blazers - "Wrecked"

Here's a new Blazers episode that Darkness and I riffed out.


Episode 2 : “WRECKED”

Co-Starring - Ludacris



Ludacris and his friend, O-Dog, walk into Blazers. O-Dog orders two shots of whiskey and two PBRs. Jan, the Bartender, gives them their drinks and then goes to the back room. Luda and O-Dog take the drinks. "Why the hell did you order PBR?" asks Luda. “Why couldn’t you get something lighter? I’d never drink something the same color as me”, he says.

"Don’t worry about it. We’ll only be here a few minutes" says O-Dog.

"Dang. The world.” – Luda

Jan walks into the backroom and begins bitching to Richie, the piano player, who is having a smoke break.

"I hate all these PBR motherfuckers. America is not supposed to be like this. People like that are ruining the world. I didn’t come to America to watch people try to save all their monies." Jan eats a taco. “It’s going to be a long night.”

"Yeah, tell me about it." says Richie "Don't worry, hot score coming tonight. It'll take the edge off."

Right then there is a loud commotion from the corner table that Luda and his friend have moved to, Luda has just thrown up everywhere. He goes to the bar to get a towel, but Jan is pissed at him and tells him that he doesn't have a towel, "just use some toilet paper." Luda gets the toilet paper, tries to convince his friend to leave Blazers cause "it's just a bunch of country club waffers", but O-Dog is supposed to meet up with a guy here later to score some blow, so they have to stick around.

John Mark and Danny enter Blazers. They take a seat at a table near the bar and order a round of Jammers (the Blazer special tonight, Miller Lite with a shot of Jager). Their plan tonight is simple; find a couple of dames and dump their tab onto them. JM is out to pay revenge on the female sex after a couple of humiliating dumps and Danny just decides to go along in hopes of making out.

Eileen is the waitress tonight and is the first one to get hit on by the guys. Eileen has been a waitress at Blazers for over a year now, which is much longer than she would have hoped for, and today she was turned down for another dancing job. She hates everything about Blazers today, especially the customers.

Luda's Friend continues to order PBR despite Luda's hate for it. "Just order something good. And less dark. I'm paying for this shit. I'm rich. I'm fucking Ludacris, man." O-Dog doesn’t like fruity drinks though, "Nah man, look how stupid those rich white dudes look drinking that fancy ass shit." Luda glances at John Mark and Danny in their blazers drinking Jammers (which are only slightly browner than PBR) and agrees with his friend. They continue to drink pints of PBR.

Eileen keeps on bringing in the orders for PBRs which are driving Jan out of his mind. His hatred for "the PBR drinkers at table 12" is getting out of control and he has already eaten all of his tacos. Jan decides it's time to rely on his "Bar Control Plan". This is merely a bottle of Ruphies that he keeps under the bar and when a customer is becoming too much to handle he ruphes them just enough to put them to sleep. Eileen, however, is not aware of this and to help control her hatred for the customers she has been purposely mixing up the orders of JM and Danny with Luda's table. Her hate has become her passion for working tonight. Neither table notices the change in drinks and both keep chuggin’ along.

John Mark and Danny quickly find themselves a couple of rounds in. Danny can barely hold up his head, but John Mark, who kissed off the last bit of his blow in the parking lot, is only getting drunker because of the Ruphies. JM catches a glimpse of Luda and his friend in the corner table and starts to riff about the Blazers new-comers, "I hate it when people come here and don't get the special. They should not allow people to drink here without getting a Blazer. I mean it looks like they let any chump of the street in here. Those assholes are going to blow our cover. " Danny nods off. "Dude, are you listening to me? Do you want to pay for this tab out of your pocket?" Danny does not respond. "Don't worry, I hear Richie is going to score tonight. It'll wake you up."

Meanwhile, Luda’s patience for Blazers is quickly fading, "When is that dude going to get here? I hate hanging out with all these rich white fogies. All of them look like they’re going to prom or playing golf or something. I bet you they all have horses. White people love horses more than anything in the world. What’s up with that? All they want in life is a bunch of horses, so they can wake up at the crack of dawn and go comb their hair. If you have a bunch of money and horses you should at least ride ‘em across the desert."

Eileen takes another order from Luda and O-Dog. Luda, pissed with the PBR, asks for a goblet full of the most expensive beer they’ve got. Eileen returns with a glass full of amazingly rich, dark ale. Luda says “Shit, I can’t drink anything that dark, what the fuck?”. O-Dog talks him into taking a sip though, ‘cuz Luda hates to waste money. Luda takes one sip and spits it out. But he hates to waste money, so he tries to talk O-Dog into drinking it. Luda says “Dammit, O-Dog, drink this shit! Help a brother out!” O-Dog at first resists, though, saying, “But Luda, you don’t want us drinking dark stuff!” But Luda talks him into it, reiterating that he does not like to waste money, and would rather have a friend drink a dark, dark beer than have any of Luda’s money get wasted.

A couple of more rounds pass and John Mark is in the midst of trying to impress some ladies with a story about how he caught a Marlin off the coast of the Florida Keys. Danny is passed out at the table. John Mark is nearing the climax of the story and is acting out how he reeled the big sucka in when Luda passes by on his way to the bathroom. Here in the midst of Blazers, these two souls crash into each other. Oh Schnapp! Drinks go flying everywhere, John Mark is yelling about getting beer on his nice jacket, Jan is yelling about all the broken glass, Luda is yelling about John Mark crashing into him. Chaos. The ladies with JM, however, realize who Ludacris is. They immediately warm up to Luda and Luda decides to let the fight go hoping a bunch of pretty ladies will convince his friend to leave.

Luda and the ladies head to the table while John Mark and Jan curse him. Dwayne, the lady-killing-pizza-delivery-dude, walks in with a horse piñata. He looks around for Richie, who is on another smoke break, but doesn't see him. Dwayne decides to hang the piñata on the coat rack and goes to get the special and a blazer. Once at the bar he sees Luda with the ladies, "Fuck! Man, Ludacris is here. That fucker is going to steal all the tang. I fucking hate rappers. There should be some boundaries to keep famous people from coming around and stealing normal people’s pussy."

Luda has successfully convinced his friend to leave with the ladies and Eileen gives him his tab. The tab is for $22 and it’s all PBR. This is a red hot needle through Luda’s pride and re-angers him because he forgot he was drinking that shit all night. He throws down the bill and begins to walk out, but on his way out he sees the horse piñata hanging on the coat rack. "Fucking Horses!" He grabs an umbrella and walks over to it. "I'm going to smash the fuck out of this horse!" Richie, who was just walked in from his smoke break, turns around in slo-mo, "NOOOOOOO!" Dwayne, also turns around in slo-mo, "NOOOOOOO!" Both run towards Luda, but he smashes it before they get there. The horse explodes and a white powdery dust begins falling everywhere. The patrons of Blazers soon find themselves covered in the whiteness of blow. O-Dog fills up his pockets with some snowy blow and they leave the bar with every lady in tow. Leaving the bar with every single lady and proving to his friend that his theory about white people and horses is true, Luda is finally satisfied with the night.

Jan comes out from the backroom and sees Luda leave the bar. "Stop that man! He didn't close his tab!" Dwayne turns around licking blow off his hands, "Ludacris didn't close his tab?" John Mark comes up and starts licking Richie's cocaine covered piano, "Who the fuck is Ludacris?"

"The rapper. That dude is richer than everyone in this bar combined" explains Dwayne. JM finally realizes, “shit, let’s just party on his tab.” The dudes in the bar erupt into celebration as Jan declares an open bar for the rest of the night. Despite all the hating that has filled Blazers tonight a moment of love finally shines through in the world, John Mark stumbles into the bathroom high on cocaine and jacks-off into the urinal. When the semen crashes into the piss, beer and toilet water a realization hits John Mark, we are all one in this world.

And then he throws up on his shoes, and in the swirls of the vomit he sees a vision of mankind joined in perfect harmony, with people of all races, genders, and creeds splitting popsicles and Twix with each other.