Ass Tank
The story revolves around this small little bar-b-que joint that is in the desert in New Mexico. Its fucking good meat. This place actually kicks the shit out of all that "high-falutin" Texas bbq. I hate how Texas always brags about how their pulled pork can shit on your pulled pork and still make it taste better. Fuck Texas, their reign is done. Needless to say this bbq shack is not for the weary. They are famous because they invented SCALDING BBQ. Sent 3 customers to the hospital with charred colons back in the summer of ‘91 (Lanny still thinks this was his best batch). This type of BBQ has hot peppers, pablano peppers, steak peppers, habanero peppers, shark peppers, nail peppers, axe peppers, butt blast peppers, payote peppers, pretty much any kinda melt your face off kinda kick.
They add it to a special sandwich called the "Ass Tank" which includes:
Hash (the meat), gravy, peppers (see above), pepsi, slaw, relish, onion rings, ground beef, crickets, eggs, Italian ham, philly connection, grass, papaya juice, clear gravy, gun powder, whale meat, and pig lips. They mix all of this together into one "patty" if you will and serve it on New Mexico Toast - which is two dried leaves.
Now this is their famous sandwich, which locals (not that there are many) will drive for hours to eat on weekends. People driving through though, usually don't have the stomach for something like this and cant get through 1/3 of the beast before they are "Dixie Trailin'" it to the bathroom. Novices.
Well the story starts out on a normal day at "The Cabinet"(name of the joint). Lanny the owner is getting his bbq ready for the day after the pig slaughter the night before. 11:45am the bell on the front door jangles as the first customers of the day stroll through. Little to his knowledge, it's the Foo Fighters. They are in town for their 2005 World Tour Kick off in Roswell, NM which is right down the road a hundred miles. They had the morning off before their show and the mexican masseuse from their hotel had recommenced this place for a unforgettable meal. They had borrowed the van from their roadies and found some mushrooms in the glove compartment during their drive. They all popped the rest of the bag. By the time they got to The Cabinet, shit was swirlin.
"We'll be with ya in a moment, boys" Lanny hollered from behind the counter as he finished up brewin' the sweet ass tea. "Just gotta finish up the extinguisher! HAHA!"
Three of the Foo's ordered the "Ass Tank" and their drummer ordered a "Lets Hash It Out, Dear" - corned beef hash with gravy and a bowl of cactus juice for dipping.
The story takes off from here because while they are eating - the Foo's (and Lanny) hear a rumbling coming from down the road far in the distance. Like a stampede of cattle coming to save their brethren from these asshole rock stars scarfing em' down. Well, instead of cattle it was a gang of gays. Gay men in the most stunning leather chaps you had seen since this side of a Judas Priest reunion. Acutally all 5 original members of Judas Priest were in this gang. The gang of 45-60 park their bikes and just start shooting these shotguns into the air, all the while chanting "POO POO ON FOO" and "EVERLONG DICKDONG"and snapping. Somehow the two phrases perfectly intertwined with each other into this hypnotic trance. They take off their chaps and all of them are wearing some sort of spandex. Lanny was gone, he split about 5 minutes before realizing the Gay Gang was back. He almost paid with his life last time they were in town.
Dave Grohl is confused as shit, he had never seen these guys before but it seemed as if they knew him and his band of merry jokesters. Before he could gather his thoughts on the situation and take his eyes off the beautiful boys outside, he looked back to his table to realize the chant had enraptured his band mates - they are walking like zombies out the front door of The Cabinet. He tried to stop them, singing lyrics to their songs to try and snap them out of it but they were in the zone, man. Soon they were already outside. Within 4 steps of the exterior of the rib shack, the gay dudes execute the 3 members of the Foo Fighters in a bizzare display of marksmanship spelling out "Don't Fuck With The Fags" scrawled out in buckshot across the dead bodies. These effervescent males werent to be crossed. Grohl, devastated, slumps down behind the door as he locks it. His bandmates, his friends, fucking dead - and none the less slaughtered by a gaggle of pink purses!
What we have now is a regular New Mexican Standoff. Grohl had to survive the fag bash. All he had to work with was what was left behind by Lanny, the cook. He barricades the doors with a bunch of the booths and his mind is racing with how he can defend himself and get back to Roswell alive...all of a sudden - IT HITS HIM!
THE ASS TANK THAT IS! He has to shit worse than EVER! We are talking vomiting out of your butthole shit, we are talking your gall bladder sounds like a biplane shit, we are talking already a little dribble squirted shit! He dances his way across the restaurant and makes it to the commode just in time for World War III - as he is blasting it loose - gripping the sides of the toilet praying for mercy, the Gay Gang outside had decided to shoot up the place! (Shots going back and forth b/w Grohl screaming while shitting and the gay dudes totally blasting the front of this place up with their massive pulsating guns.) Glass is shattering and asses are splattering. After both parties have a bout that lasts a good 3 minutes - there is pretty much nothing left. Nothing left in Grohl's colon, and nothing left of the bbq joint. The store is completely demolished - they had razed everything.
Grohl realized something. His shit, and the ASS TANK had saved him from certain peril. Grohl cleaned up quietly and listened for the gang's next move. 5 of the homosexual men come walking in to through the now, frontless restaurant, glass cracking under their bitchin leather boots. They head for the kitchen, where they raid the cooler of all the wine coolers - throw em in a bucket with ice and head back out the front door for a celebration party. Grohl hides out dormant in the bathroom. He overhears the gay dudes celebrating the fact that they had killed their main objective. DAVID GROHL. They went on to give the background of the grudge, in one of their video's Grohl and his bandmates mocked gay people in a fake Mentos commercial and also dressed as women in another. Then proceeded ti make fun of cross dressing in a interview!
"Fuck This" Grohl says to himself. He quickly devises his plan. He knew immediately that he had to somehow get out of this bathroom. He checked around the bathroom looking for an escape plan and quickly remembered the pipes he had seen earlier (he had noticed too much, at that time was only concerned with clearing his bowels). He soon found himself scaling the wall using the pipes as a latter. He noticed one specifically - "To Septic Tank". He reaches the ceiling and stealthily climbed into the ceiling tiles and made his way through the bar joists towards the kitchen area.
Outside the twinks are enjoying some Bartles and James assuming Grohl The Growl was dead as the pigs out back.
[Camera shots of Grohl assembling some sort of cart using all the equipment in the kitchen - glancing outside to ensure the Gay Gang didnt see him]
[Next shot we find Dave working out at the entrance to the septic tank - attaching a long hose to the spout]
Back to the interior of the kitchen where Grohl is thinking to himself - "this better work D, or your ass is grass in more ways than one!" He walks over to the jukebox - slides in a quarter...
Finally back out to the party ensuing outside where the gang is getting tipsy off the many downed coolers. Next thing they know - EVERLONG comes blasting from the front of the restaurant. A collective "HUH" was heard. Slamming through the debris squatting atop a gleaming carriage of kitchen panneling comes DAVE GROHL with a massive hose cocked and ready under his arm. It was the ASS TANK! He had converted two hand trucks and the meat delivery cart into a shit spraying death dealer. Cause really what would that gang hate more than stinky and dirty shit? Before the dudes could make it to their guns, Grohl was pumping gallons upon gallons of feces upon the truly flabbergasted fanny boys. Slipping and sliding, it was something straight out of a three stooges episode. After all the twinks were flailing on the ground and crying, Grohl runs around and collects all the shotguns. SHOOTS EVERY LAST ONE OF THE MEN WHO TRIED TO TAKE HIS OWN LIFE....ALL EXCEPT FIVE.
He quietly walks over to the remaining roughneck randy boys and offers them respite from the death gun! The five were none other than the original members of Judas Priest. They hop in the van and 2 hours later are rocking the fuck out of the crowd who had been patiently waiting for the Foo Fighters to kick their asses loose. Showered, Clean, and rocking once again, the boys from Judas Priest realized just how lucky they were that day to escape with their own will. Grohl was front and center just grinnin' like a little fucker...
The tour has started, MAN!
They add it to a special sandwich called the "Ass Tank" which includes:
Hash (the meat), gravy, peppers (see above), pepsi, slaw, relish, onion rings, ground beef, crickets, eggs, Italian ham, philly connection, grass, papaya juice, clear gravy, gun powder, whale meat, and pig lips. They mix all of this together into one "patty" if you will and serve it on New Mexico Toast - which is two dried leaves.
Now this is their famous sandwich, which locals (not that there are many) will drive for hours to eat on weekends. People driving through though, usually don't have the stomach for something like this and cant get through 1/3 of the beast before they are "Dixie Trailin'" it to the bathroom. Novices.
Well the story starts out on a normal day at "The Cabinet"(name of the joint). Lanny the owner is getting his bbq ready for the day after the pig slaughter the night before. 11:45am the bell on the front door jangles as the first customers of the day stroll through. Little to his knowledge, it's the Foo Fighters. They are in town for their 2005 World Tour Kick off in Roswell, NM which is right down the road a hundred miles. They had the morning off before their show and the mexican masseuse from their hotel had recommenced this place for a unforgettable meal. They had borrowed the van from their roadies and found some mushrooms in the glove compartment during their drive. They all popped the rest of the bag. By the time they got to The Cabinet, shit was swirlin.
"We'll be with ya in a moment, boys" Lanny hollered from behind the counter as he finished up brewin' the sweet ass tea. "Just gotta finish up the extinguisher! HAHA!"
Three of the Foo's ordered the "Ass Tank" and their drummer ordered a "Lets Hash It Out, Dear" - corned beef hash with gravy and a bowl of cactus juice for dipping.
The story takes off from here because while they are eating - the Foo's (and Lanny) hear a rumbling coming from down the road far in the distance. Like a stampede of cattle coming to save their brethren from these asshole rock stars scarfing em' down. Well, instead of cattle it was a gang of gays. Gay men in the most stunning leather chaps you had seen since this side of a Judas Priest reunion. Acutally all 5 original members of Judas Priest were in this gang. The gang of 45-60 park their bikes and just start shooting these shotguns into the air, all the while chanting "POO POO ON FOO" and "EVERLONG DICKDONG"and snapping. Somehow the two phrases perfectly intertwined with each other into this hypnotic trance. They take off their chaps and all of them are wearing some sort of spandex. Lanny was gone, he split about 5 minutes before realizing the Gay Gang was back. He almost paid with his life last time they were in town.
Dave Grohl is confused as shit, he had never seen these guys before but it seemed as if they knew him and his band of merry jokesters. Before he could gather his thoughts on the situation and take his eyes off the beautiful boys outside, he looked back to his table to realize the chant had enraptured his band mates - they are walking like zombies out the front door of The Cabinet. He tried to stop them, singing lyrics to their songs to try and snap them out of it but they were in the zone, man. Soon they were already outside. Within 4 steps of the exterior of the rib shack, the gay dudes execute the 3 members of the Foo Fighters in a bizzare display of marksmanship spelling out "Don't Fuck With The Fags" scrawled out in buckshot across the dead bodies. These effervescent males werent to be crossed. Grohl, devastated, slumps down behind the door as he locks it. His bandmates, his friends, fucking dead - and none the less slaughtered by a gaggle of pink purses!
What we have now is a regular New Mexican Standoff. Grohl had to survive the fag bash. All he had to work with was what was left behind by Lanny, the cook. He barricades the doors with a bunch of the booths and his mind is racing with how he can defend himself and get back to Roswell alive...all of a sudden - IT HITS HIM!
THE ASS TANK THAT IS! He has to shit worse than EVER! We are talking vomiting out of your butthole shit, we are talking your gall bladder sounds like a biplane shit, we are talking already a little dribble squirted shit! He dances his way across the restaurant and makes it to the commode just in time for World War III - as he is blasting it loose - gripping the sides of the toilet praying for mercy, the Gay Gang outside had decided to shoot up the place! (Shots going back and forth b/w Grohl screaming while shitting and the gay dudes totally blasting the front of this place up with their massive pulsating guns.) Glass is shattering and asses are splattering. After both parties have a bout that lasts a good 3 minutes - there is pretty much nothing left. Nothing left in Grohl's colon, and nothing left of the bbq joint. The store is completely demolished - they had razed everything.
Grohl realized something. His shit, and the ASS TANK had saved him from certain peril. Grohl cleaned up quietly and listened for the gang's next move. 5 of the homosexual men come walking in to through the now, frontless restaurant, glass cracking under their bitchin leather boots. They head for the kitchen, where they raid the cooler of all the wine coolers - throw em in a bucket with ice and head back out the front door for a celebration party. Grohl hides out dormant in the bathroom. He overhears the gay dudes celebrating the fact that they had killed their main objective. DAVID GROHL. They went on to give the background of the grudge, in one of their video's Grohl and his bandmates mocked gay people in a fake Mentos commercial and also dressed as women in another. Then proceeded ti make fun of cross dressing in a interview!
"Fuck This" Grohl says to himself. He quickly devises his plan. He knew immediately that he had to somehow get out of this bathroom. He checked around the bathroom looking for an escape plan and quickly remembered the pipes he had seen earlier (he had noticed too much, at that time was only concerned with clearing his bowels). He soon found himself scaling the wall using the pipes as a latter. He noticed one specifically - "To Septic Tank". He reaches the ceiling and stealthily climbed into the ceiling tiles and made his way through the bar joists towards the kitchen area.
Outside the twinks are enjoying some Bartles and James assuming Grohl The Growl was dead as the pigs out back.
[Camera shots of Grohl assembling some sort of cart using all the equipment in the kitchen - glancing outside to ensure the Gay Gang didnt see him]
[Next shot we find Dave working out at the entrance to the septic tank - attaching a long hose to the spout]
Back to the interior of the kitchen where Grohl is thinking to himself - "this better work D, or your ass is grass in more ways than one!" He walks over to the jukebox - slides in a quarter...
Finally back out to the party ensuing outside where the gang is getting tipsy off the many downed coolers. Next thing they know - EVERLONG comes blasting from the front of the restaurant. A collective "HUH" was heard. Slamming through the debris squatting atop a gleaming carriage of kitchen panneling comes DAVE GROHL with a massive hose cocked and ready under his arm. It was the ASS TANK! He had converted two hand trucks and the meat delivery cart into a shit spraying death dealer. Cause really what would that gang hate more than stinky and dirty shit? Before the dudes could make it to their guns, Grohl was pumping gallons upon gallons of feces upon the truly flabbergasted fanny boys. Slipping and sliding, it was something straight out of a three stooges episode. After all the twinks were flailing on the ground and crying, Grohl runs around and collects all the shotguns. SHOOTS EVERY LAST ONE OF THE MEN WHO TRIED TO TAKE HIS OWN LIFE....ALL EXCEPT FIVE.
He quietly walks over to the remaining roughneck randy boys and offers them respite from the death gun! The five were none other than the original members of Judas Priest. They hop in the van and 2 hours later are rocking the fuck out of the crowd who had been patiently waiting for the Foo Fighters to kick their asses loose. Showered, Clean, and rocking once again, the boys from Judas Priest realized just how lucky they were that day to escape with their own will. Grohl was front and center just grinnin' like a little fucker...
The tour has started, MAN!
posted by Anonymous @ 11:00 AM
1 Comments:
At 9:27 PM,
septic tank roswell said…
Good post, indeed the gaming industry is growing at an exponential growth rate and everyday its new level is coming. Once again a very inspiring and informative post.
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