2007 Year End List of Unrealized Scripts

It's been a quiet year, so here's the year-end list of the top (only) movies we didn't realize.



Cenote Summer - An action movie about snorkeling in Mexico. Besides being filled with heart-pounding snorkeling scenes, this movie will also have a killer underwater makeout session and an ancient magical snorkel. I wrote about half of it but the action was becoming too real, so I think we'll change it to an action movie about two friends snorkeling in each other's pools in Mexico. The underwater makeout scene and magical snorkel will still stay.

Bogus, California - A guy gets transferred to the small California town of Bogus but quickly realizes something in the town is amiss when he can't get a wi-fi connection anywhere. He does some investigating and finds out Bogus, California is a slow small town that the Internet forgot. In order to fight boredom he introduces a new version of fantasy football to the town. The dude makes up all the rules as the game goes along so players win or lose mostly for unfootball related reasons. As the season moves along the pressure of the game wears on the town. The weekly penalties of personal slavery, renaming of bars & trading of personal items hurls the entire town into balls out anarchy. An anarchy that only one man and his fantasy football rules can stop. I guess this would be considered a Fantasy Football Drama. **Also, at one point someone dies from a laser attack.

Please Die Fatboy O'Brien - I don't know what this one is about, just a poster in a dream I had one night that I happened to remember.

Dead Heat - a sex morsel of an idea that Rippy had about zombie sex and underhanded political scandals.

SPCD: Smashing Pumpkins Cover Dude - Movie about DJ starting-up his dream project - SPCD (Smashing Pumpkins Cover Dude) which is him with an electric guitar and a mini-amp strapped to his belt playing Smashing Pumpkins songs. The movie will follow his rise to the top and eventual dream of all dreams where he is going to open up for the Smashing Pumpkins, but he meets Billy Corgan before the show and Billy is a douche. Instead of quitting right there DJ performs the best Smashing Pumpkins show of ALL-TIME and then retires on stage. F'ing Awesome!

Damned If You Do - This is Jeff Griggs' dream baby about a group of guys who have a fund-raising contest to see who can go the longest without shitting. Jeff actually has most of this one written out and sent it over to me to help out, but I dropped the ball. Hopefully I'll get back on it soon or Jeff can post his treatment whenever he decides to sign-up for the Internet.

The Sudan Boys Get Lost - African kids move to the US, start a band, do drugs, get laid, get hyped, sellout to save their country, become Presidents of Sudan. It feels good.

Water Thingy - Is there a monster in the town lake or is everyone just slowly going crazy from paranoia? Did the town drunk die from an accidental drowning or was he a victim of the thing in the lake? Is the town slut really a slut or is there a monster in the lake? This is going to be a psychological thriller!

DRACULASAUR ISLAND

Just sayin'.

Coming soon: PAPER TOWEL MAGNATE in: THE SECRET OF DRACULASAUR ISLAND! guest-starring the Black Green Berets and a talking bear!

The Born-Again Athlete

A short film with a whole lot of awesome action packed football montages


*beep-beep* *beep-beep*

I wake-up in a hospital bed and it's a pretty heavy scene. The only thing around me is a group of doctors who start talking to me about my accident, how long I've been out, what they did to me...blah, blah, blah. I'm bored as shit. I feel like I've done pretty good so far in my life, you know. I tried to be a good man, got up every morning and went to work each day. I figured that God would be smiling down on me for all my beautiful virtues, but it turned out he wasn't. He decided that it was time for him to show me who's boss, so he made some asshole run me off the road and into a tree. It wrecked me pretty good and put me on my near-deathbed. One thing ol' God didn't count on though was what those genius docs would do to me. As soon as I woke-up from the coma I could tell something was different, but I didn't care enough to ask. The doctors finally tell me that they decided to do an experimental surgery on me and replaced my heart with some parts of a motorcycle engine. I was like, "cool". As long as I'm not crippled and can still get feed the snake some blood, I'm good.

My wife and everybody wants to know what I'm going to do with my new second chance at life. Motivational Speaker? Charity Spokesman? Churchgoer? Organ Donor?

"FUCK NO!", I says to them, I says "I'M GOING TO PLAY FOOTBALL."

My wife starts to cry, so that is when I tell her that I told the docs to take out my tear ducts too. She divorces me, but I smoked the papers instead of signing them.


Trying to realize my gridiron dreams, I start hanging out at the local high school cause I don't know where else to start. Eventually some of the football players start hanging with me because I can buy beer and one night we decide to play 40-40, a race to see who can drink a 40oz then run the 40 yard dash the fastest. I smoke everyone. I'm so goddamn good at the 40-40 that the word spreads to the football coach and he decides to come check me out. He's impressed with my skills, so we make a deal that he'll sneak me into the NFL combine and if I give him my car. Done. The NFL scouts love my skills and my speed, but I fail the physical because of my cursed engine heart. NFL officials escort me out of the combine, so I hit the nearest bar. Hard. Once I'm finally starting to feel a buzz a man sits down beside me. His name is Bobby. He is a team medic and loved my playing so much that he wants to switch his x-rays with mine, so that I can play. Bobby is a good man, but Nam messed him up real good, so I'm not buying it and keep on drinking. He continues and tells me he's a millionaire ex-player and that anything can be bought in the NFL. The real reason he likes me, however, is because he lost his legs in a motorcycle accident and wants to see a half-human like himself play ball. It's a real sad story about his legs and he begins crying towards the end. I tell him that I had my tear ducts removed, so he stands up on his steel rod legs, salutes me and tells me that the football was created in my image.

Because of my twink-like frame the head coach of the team isn't buying into the idea of me, so during the last day of tryouts the coach offers a million bucks in cash to anyone that can take me out of commish because he's sick of seeing a twink walk away from bearish hits. I take about 3 hours worth of hits before the coach comes running up to me like Mt. Vesuvius on exploding day;

"DOES IT HURT? DOES IT MAKE YOU WANT TO CRY?"
"I can't. Got no ducts"
"WELL I GUESS YOU'RE THE ULTIMATE"
"Just into Touchdowns."
"YOU BETTER NOT GET HURT"
"whatever"
"We play on Sundays"
"cool"

I see Bobby kneeling on the sidelines crying like the happiest baby in the world. I give him a head-rub and tell him to get ready for a promotion. Needless to say, with my engine heart and Bobby calling my plays like an attack on Saigon, we win the Super Bowl that year. And the year after that. And the year after that. I set more records in my first three years then most players do in their whole career (most notably causing the most concussions with my chest). After three years though I thoroughly bored. While most players are interested in making money, starting families and all kinds of other things that people love and cry over, I am only interested in touchdowns, so with Bobby's money and my all-star rep we start our own expansion team. The Hawaii Man-Gods.

Our team works like this, we draft players, have them sign a contract and then Bobby replaces their hearts and takes out their tear ducts in the team locker room. It's a risky procedure, but Bobby's always improving. It is decided that I'll be the head coach and Bobby the play caller. He calls the plays like he's still in the midst of Nam, cries everytime we score a touchdown and I keep the guys up to par on the execution side. We, of course, win the Super Bowl, but the notable thing is that I am the first player in history to win coach of the year and be MVP of the Super Bowl. Bobby is overwhelmed at our success and can not stop crying from happiness. I, however, feel nothing than the usual emptiness that I've always felt while not in the endzone. Then, it is announced that the NFL has to decided to have a special double trophy presentation for me in my home of Hawaii. In attendance at the ceremony are all the head coaches, every living hall of fame player and my team of heartless followers. The two trophies are unveiled in front of me and a rainbow suddenly sprouts from each one. The 'bows fly over the stadium's goalposts and off behind the volcanoes in the distant. Something begins to come over me, a feeling I don't recognize. It almost feels like an erection coming from underneath my eyes. The feeling becomes so intense that I'm about ready to have an orgasm when my eyes become filled with blood. I feel the blood pour down my face for a couple of seconds and then pass out. They rush me to the hospital, but I die on the way. Exploded ducts. I guess Ol God decided to show me who's boss again with his double rainbow launch. The sentimental acts from the good men of the NFL and the cruel beauty of nature caused me to catch an emotion like a case of Bird Flu. What God doesn't know though is that Bobby is building a statue of me in Hawaii so that forever I will remain a god amongst the men of the NFL. As far as football is concerned God and I will be equals.

Abe, Can You Hear Me Now? [episode one]

I know this probably seems a little obvious, but that's only because it's based on a true story.

Ezra's about the happiest-go-luckiest dude on the Earth. Whistling World Champion, Heel Click Olympian, and Freestyle Walking King are only a few of his accomplishments based on his exuberant demeanor. He can't help himself; he's just got the spirit. However like a lot of people, with the highs also come the lows. Ezra can really get down in the dumps at the drop of a hat.

The most consistent source of affliction to Ezra is his coworker Adam. Adam is one of those people that can't stand it when people whistle. They spend a lot of time together at Digiorno's Pizza, where they are co-managers. Adam the cynic hates Ezra and his boundless positivity, and a 40 hour a week job alongside the Whistling World Champion really brings out the nastiest parts of him. He screams and screams at Ezra to stop whistling, to stop being so damn happy and hits him upside the head until his mood plummets into the depths of dour depression. That version of Ezra bums Adam out too, but at least Ezra doesn't talk or make any sounds or movements when he's depressed.

Adam's the first name in Ezra's cell phone. They need to keep in touch with each other while out on deliveries. Since Adam's name is the first entry into Ezra's phone, when Ezra gets excited and does some energetic movements it results in a lot of unintended calls to Adam. Ezra will be in the middle of a long combo of freestyle walking moves when the joy is interrupted by Adam's voice shreiking out of his pocket.

"QUIT THAT FUCKING FAIRY DANCING YOU FUCKING IDIOT! HELLO? DO YOU HEAR ME? QUIT THAT FUCKING DANCING! FUCK YOU, YOU DIPSHIT FUCK!"

What a mellow harsh.

Ezra decides he needs to rectify this situation. If he's gonna dance, the phone is gonna call somebody. He needs a contact the comes alphabetically before Adam, and preferably a fictitious one. No one wants to repeatly call someone on accident. Ezra thinks for a little while and eventually types in Abraham Lincoln. 555-5555. Satisfied, Ezra goes out for walk, whistling at the top of his breath. The positive energy soon gives way to some choice heel clicks, which in turn morph into full blown freestyle walking. Ezra works up one of the best combos he's ever done, finishing with a flip off of a wall into a split. As Ezra sits silently in the splits position, basking in triumphant glory, he hears a sound coming from his pocket.

"Hello? Hello?"

Ezra takes out his cell phone. It's Abraham Lincoln.

We Three Kings

HEY! I Know!!
The seasons have successfully changed, so let's just get a fresh start. Why not?

In the meantime, here's a TV show idea...


Three Elvises from three different periods of time living in the same house. An earthquake unlocks a time portal under Graceland, uniting the home's owner from three different stages of his life. "Baby" is teenage Elvis. He's the hot, rebellious type and doesn't want to grow up to be like his older self. He’s a teen, but as innocent as a butterfly. Middle Elvis, "Elvis", is the Elvis from the '70s. He's the stubborn ruler of the house. He performs occasionally and runs a mishap-laden Memphis Mafia. "Gramps" is Elvis from 2020. In 2020, He is the world’s greatest suppler of cheap pharmaceutical drugs. He invents all the drugs in his Graceland labs and sells them to the public at very cheap prices. He lives in hiding, never goes out without one of his trustworthy disguises, has a large supply of futuristic gadgets and is always trying to prove to the other Elvises that people are out to get them. These people are actually a group of scientists from the future that are trying to gain access to the time portal and stop Gramps from reaching the year 2020 and being the awesome dude that he is.

Episode 1: “Peace Pills”

The leaves are beginning to turn a beautiful shade of brown outside and Baby seems to have caught a case of Autumn Love! The big Fall Dance is coming up at school and Baby has his heart set on one girl, Sally Feathers. There’s a problem though, Sally doesn’t seem to be interested in him. Baby decides to go to his dad, Elvis, for advice, but sadly this only brings more stress for Baby. Elvis has never had to work at picking girls up, so his advice of “give her some love pills”, doesn’t help Baby that much.

Baby is determined, however, that Sally Feathers will be his date to the Fall Dance. The next day at school Baby decides to play a song he wrote for Sally during lunch. He walks into the cafeteria with his guitar, but his nerves get the best of him and he freezes. Everyone starts staring and pointing at Baby with his guitar and Baby is too scared to move. Finally, he makes a dash to the hallway where he is busted for not having a hall pass. Baby is sent to the principal’s office where he is suspended from all school activities for a week, that means no Fall Dance. He goes home crushed.

Problems are a brewin’ at home too. Recently, Elvis and some of his boys started-up their own homemade ice cream parlor in Graceland’s garage and it has quickly become the loves of their lives. They serve the best ice cream that anyone in the town has ever had and they take great pride in their ice cream. A letter from the health inspector just arrived though and it says the health inspector is coming to investigate the parlor! If the store isn’t up to health standards then they get shut down! Elvis and the boys like the comfortable feel, so naturally the parlor looks more like a band practice space then your usual ice cream parlor.

Baby arrives home and decides to talk to his dad about his troubles. Elvis, however, is too busy cleaning to talk to him, so Baby decides to talk to Gramps.

Gramps is in the lab as usual, trying to figure out a way to close up the time portal under the house, so they can live in peace without the Mad Scientists from the future chasing them. Baby tells Gramps about his love and school dilemma and Gramps tells Baby to forget about the school dance and then starts rummaging through the lab and pulls out a box of pills. The box is labeled “Gramp’s Famous Love Pills”. Baby asks about how Gramps made them and he explains how he and his girlfriend discovered the elusive erotic leaf one night while they were out at the swimming hole.

Baby takes the pills to school the next day and decides to drop one in Sally’s drink during lunch. His nerves get the best of him again and he freezes up right before he is about to dose her. Baby heads home dejected and throws the love pills into the trash.

Elvis and the boys are still busily trying to get the parlor into tip-top shape for the health inspectors. They are sweeping, scrubbing and throwing away everything in sight. Beer bottles, shot glasses, weed. One of them, however, throws away the stash of chronic and it is decided that they should hang on to that. Elvis pulls it out of trash and hides it in one of the ice cream containers. What Elvis doesn’t notice though is that he also pulls out the Love Pills and hides those in the container as well.

Rumors start spreading around town that the Health Inspectors are going to close down the great Ice Cream Parlor. People begin flocking there to stop them. Everyone is eating ice cream and of course it is all being served from the container with the Love Pills in it. The love pills, however, have a different effect on people in the present than they do on people in the year 2020. Instead of making people want to make love like they do in the future, it merely makes everyone extremely peaceful. The Parlor is now filled with people having a sit-in, singing, sharing milkshakes, hugging, pretty much just having a righteous peaceful time.

Baby is upstairs in his room when he hears all the singing and decides to go downstairs to investigate. He walks into the garage and sees a bunch of kids from school sharing milkshakes, holding hands and acting like couples. He thinks about Sally and his heart breaks an inch more. He goes back to his room and puts on a Depeche Mode record.

The Ice Cream Parlor is now overflowing with positive vibes, so when the Health Inspectors show up the Parlor erupts into a huge Harsh Zone. The Health Inspectors are not working like normal health inspectors. They are kicking over people and milkshakes, yelling about how filthy everything is, one of them is constantly puking. Elvis, who ate some of the peace cream, starts to get very scared. He apologizes to the inspectors, but they just yell louder and say that they are going to close down the entire house! Gramps hears the commotion coming from the Parlor and goes to see what happens. He walks in and sees Elvis and the rest of the town in tears begging the Health Inspectors not to close down the Parlor while the inspectors are carrying out barrels of Ice Cream into the sun so they can melt.

Gramps notices something weird about the inspectors. They’re not the Health Inspectors; they’re the Mad Scientists from the future out to stop the Kings. Gramps calls the cops and reports the imposters.

During all this commotion Sally Feathers shows up at the Parlor, but it is too crowded to get inside. Instead, she goes inside the house and hears Depeche Mode coming from upstairs. She opens the bedroom door and finds Baby in there. “Hey, it’s kinda crazy down there. Do you mind if I chill here with you?”

“Yeah, come in”

The Health Inspectors are in process of collecting Elvis’s house keys when the cops arrive and arrest them. The cops are putting the Mad Scientists in the back of the cop car when Gramps comes out of the house and shakes his fists at them while yelling, “See you in 2020!” The Scientists give a wink and an evil grin and then disappear from the back seat of the cop car.

The peace pills begin to wear off of Elvis and he realizes that he has been too busy with the Ice Cream Parlor to talk to Baby. He goes upstairs to Baby’s room and hears Depeche Mode playing inside. He figures Baby must be upset, so he opens the door to go talk with him, but inside he finds Baby and Sally in the midst of a killer make-out sesh. Depeche Mode is cranking at full blast, so they don’t even notice. They just continue to make-out.

The Recyclist

New joint from the unrealized collective

This is a story about love, fighting, and a dude named Stanford Spitz. Stanford’s dream in life was to be awesome. He didn’t dream of being all around awesome just unusually awesome at one thing. Anything. Well, one night when Stanford was in college it almost happened. He was hosting a party for his friends and realized he was a pretty good recycler. All his friends threw away their cans, but he threw his in the blue bin. After that night Stanford gets really into recycling. Really, really into recycling. His talents include skills like; being able to look at something and immediately tell if it can be recycled and knowing which bin it goes in, but this didn’t ever make Stanford the best recycler in the world, just its biggest fan.

Stanford, however, is the type of guy that takes his passions to the extremes; he becomes so obsessed with recycling that he starts to see everyone who doesn't recycle as an enemy of the Earth. As time goes on his love for recycling is overshadowed by his growing hatred of trash. It takes over him completely and then one night at a friend's party he has too much to drink and loses it. After spending the entire night watching people throw away bottles and cans Stanford flips out. He beats a group of guys to a bloody pulp and then sets the trash on fire. Watching the trash burn brings Stanford to an almost orgasmic state. It is the most best feeling ever, so he decides to keep it going and heads over to the city dump and sets it ablaze. As Stanford sits and watches the city dump burn he realizes that destroying all the trash in the world will be his life mission. He will become the Recyclist.

The Recyclist takes a lot of pleasure in watching all the evil trash burn, but another pleasure that he quickly discovers is that burning trash annoys all of the city's residents.
After a couple of major cities are hit with trash fires, the Recyclist begins to receive some national attention. Feeling confident that his message is now being heard, Stanford begins to get some swagger in his step. He's never been much of ladies' man, but now that he's a man on a mission, confidence is pouring out of his pants. Everywhere he goes now there are two missions; the Recyclist must burn as much trash as possible and Stanford must sleep with as many women as he can. Obviously, he doesn't care about the women or the children, but believes that if he can spread his seed enough the future generation will share his hatred for trash. He needs an army. After a couple of years his work becomes clockwork; set city dump on fire around midnight, get to bar around 1am and leave with girl by closing time. Things are going as smooth as can be until one day when the pattern is disrupted. By a woman. A woman named Rose.

Rose lives on the outskirts of Eugene, Washington. She bought her house a couple of years out of college when she first started working at the local library. She has lived and worked there ever since. She loved every aspect of her life until the Eugene City Dump was re-located right behind her backyard. Since then her life has been devoted to fighting trash and the local government.

Having worked at the library as an archivist now for 10 years, she has read numerous stories about the Recyclist. So, when she is hanging out on her deck one night and sees a small fire start to burn at the dump she gets very excited. Rose runs to the dump and finds the Recyclist admiring his work. She runs up to him and throws her arms around him. The two begin to kiss franticly with the fire burning quickly behind them. Soon an entire mountain of trash has caught fire and The Recyclist lays Rose down and they make the sweetest love.

Rose awakes the next morning to find the mass of trash behind her house gone, but so is the Recyclist. With a thrashed heart and an embryo in her belly, she begins hunting down the Recyclist, the man she loves. Finally, once she is on the brink of giving birth to his child, she catches up with him. Rose confesses her love for him and his child, but he pushes her away. In a fit of rage Rose grabs a piece of wood and whacks him in the balls with it. The Recyclist falls to the ground. Rose falls to the ground also, but it is because the excitement of the fight has caused her to go into labor. She delivers her baby there in the dump, but she dies right before the baby lets out its first cry. The Recyclist pulls himself together and leaves Rose and the baby in the dump to die.

Stanford awakes the next morning and the pain in his balls is too much to ignore. He goes to the doctor who tells him that the blow shattered his balls and he will not be able to have anymore children. Left with a meaningless sex life Stanford decides to devote all his time now to being the Recyclist. He doesn't realize, however, that the child he left to die in the dump that night did not. The child miraculously began surviving on its own inside the dump. He taught himself how to live off the trash for 16 years before he made his first human friend, Pauly the garbageman. Pauly and Dump Dude (what Pauly decides to call him) become fast friends. Pauly teaches Dump Dude about the ways of the world, Dump Dude shows Pauly how to live off trash. In fact, Dump Dude can ONLY eat trash. Pauly tries to slowly introduce Dump Dude to real world living, but Dump Dude has no desire for it. The only thing that interest Dump Dude is, Pauly’s daughter, Maria.

Maria is a stunning young girl with long black hair. She is a couple of years older than Dump Dude and is the editor of her school newspaper. Maria and Dump Dude fall madly in love. They spend hours reading stacks of old newspapers , skiing down trash mountains, antiquing, surfing on old car hoods and discussing their dreams (Maria’s dream is to be a reporter, Dump Dude wants to be reunited with his family). Their courtship continues to build for months until one day Maria shows up at the dump running with excitement. She’s gotten a full scholarship to study journalism at the University of Miami Ohio. Dump Dude is crushed by the news. He suggests they stop seeing each other.

Heartbroken by Double D dumping her, Maria begins pouring herself into her work at the paper. One story in particular has been gaining her attention, the actions of the Recyclist. Ever since his accident 16 years ago, the Recyclist’s trash fires have become more and more intense. They’ve increased so much that the number of trash dumps around the world has significantly decreased. Maria begins paying close attention to the Recyclist’s actions and starts to worry about Dump Dude and his home. She begins researching stories about the dump and finds a story about a woman’s body being found there. The article is 16 years old and says that the woman appeared to have been in a fight and died shortly after giving birth, but the baby’s body was never found. Maria rushes to find Dump Dude.

She shows Double D the article and tells him about the Recyclist. He immediately knows that the woman is his mother and that the Recyclist is responsible for her death. With tears in her eyes, Maria explains to Double D that this is one of the last pure trash dumps in the world and that the Recyclist will come here and kill Dump Dude and his home. She tells Dump Dude how much she loves him. Dump Dude holds her close and tells her that he must wait for the Recyclist and avenge his mother’s death. Maria slowly nods and stops crying. Dump Dude lays her down on an old mattress and then, for the first time in both of their lives, they make sweet passionate love.

Dump Dude spends the next couple of weeks quietly waiting for the Recyclist to come and burn down the only home that Double D has ever known. The place where The Recyclist left Dump Dude’s mother to die. Double D anxiously waits for the Recyclist’s return and then, finally, one night Dump Dude notices a small fire burning in the corner of the dump. He slowly climbs up to the top of a nearby trash mountain and sees the Recyclist. The fire is spreading quickly and is soon on the verge of taking over the dump. Dump Dude is frozen with fear, but then realizes he must take action. Double D pushes a car heap over the mountain and watches it explode in the fire below. The explosion sends the Recyclist’s limp body flying through the air. After watching the Recyclist lay motionless for a couple of minutes, Dump Dude climbs down the trash mountain to destroy it. Once Dump Dude gets close, however, The Recyclist suddenly lunges at Double D with a broken bottle. The bottle pierces Dump Dude's heart and he falls to the ground. The Recyclist laughs at Dump Dude and then bends down to retrieve the glass bottle from Double D's heart. Then, with his last ounce of energy, Dump Dude kicks the Recyclist into the fire burning behind them.

In the midst of his screams of pain the Recyclist yells out, "Die in this filth just like your mother!"

Dump Dude spits some blood out of his mouth and then grabs an old oily rag that is lying next to him. He flings the rag on top of the Recyclist. The fire erupts like a volcano and The Recyclist explodes into a million pieces.

"You burn like the piece of trash that you are." These are the last words of Dump Dude as he passes away in front of the fire and things fade to black.

Flash forward a year…

Maria is at her computer working on an article when all of a sudden she is interrupted by a cry. A cry….from a baby.

To be continued…..

The Shrimp Boater: a work in progress

Tagline: "He's Got a Bucket For a Hand"

Synopsis: Crotchety old shrimperman develops a fantastic new video game about shrimp-boats. He loses touch with his roots and alienates all his friends. He dies craggy and alone and on top of a gigantic pile of money made from his amazing video game.

The first ninety minutes will be a stereotypical story of an old salty seadog, seeking redemption and understanding and sympathy and all that. At the end there'll be like eight minutes about the video game and how popular it becomes and how rich he gets and how dissolute and perverse he becomes all that shit. Then he dies and is buried with his billions of dollars. The End.

Treatment: Hiram tugs slowly on the rusty chain, pulling the bucket up from the fjord's floor. He pours the water and sediment through a strainer and sifts through the rocks and weed. Once again the bucket came up dry; once again the wily shrimp have eluded old Hiram. Hiram scratches his cheek with his nub and squirts a jet of black fluid out of the side of his mouth. Harvest time is almost over, and Hiram's shrimp-tank lies almost empty.

They're all gone now. Blizzy, Fatback, Tsetse, Firpo, even the old ball and chain and that damn crying baby, all up and gone and fled to bluer waters. Waters where the skies smile bashfully and the shrimp skitter head-first into buckets with limitless joy. All except for the missus, who's probably still being eaten by these very same shrimp Hiram's failing to wrangle. Probably why they're such assholes.

Light's almost lost and the wind is picking up; time for Hiram to head in. It's been a long, fruitless day, and the comforts of his warm bed lay enticingly in Hiram's head like a ham hock at a dogtrack. In time sleep will come, and in time those shrimp shall be his, if only in the secret alcove of his slumbering mind.

While dreaming Hiram catches a first glimpse of his startling future. He sees a typical American family sauntering into a Dave and Buster's. The two children gleefully run towards the video arcade, passing the horse-racing game, the Star Wars simulator, the virtual reality pterodactyl battles, and even the life-size video-golf chamber. They head straight to the greatest video game experience ever devised, Shrimp-Boat: Buckets of Shrimp. The kids dump buckets of tokens into the game, playing until their intestines unload in all possible directions. There's a line of future shrimp-boaters that extends past the front door, through the parking lot, and into the Hardee's next door, winding concentrically throughout the restaurant and ending inside the broken stall in the men's room. Yes, Shrimp-Boat is truly the most popular video game of all time, and all Hiram has to do is somehow develop it.

Hiram awakes in a cold sweat. The dream has revealed to him his destiny.

The next morning Hiram sets straight to work. He somehow develops the fantastic new video-game about shrimp-boats. Later that afternoon Dave buys Hiram a gold-plated helicopter, while Buster dumps a truck full of cash on his bed and fulfills his every sexual fantasy. Within minutes all three men are naked and glistening, with hundred-dollar bills stuck to the fluids that coat their entire bodies. Hiram's friends, hearing of his success, return to make amends, but Hiram turns them all down, and returns to his cash- and shrimp-fueled homosexual orgy. After collapsing into a giant quivering mass, Hiram and Dave and Buster fall blissfully into sleep. Before Hiram can begin another prophetic dream, his poor li'l heart gives out, and the lucky old shrimp-boater passes on with a massive smile on his face and a Sacajawea dollar stuck to the tip of his penis. And through it all, he had a bucket for a hand.