Forever Dudes in "Global Jackaz"

Icy B and Cokey B got together and discussed what awaits them in the year 2006... 

New Year's Day, Ice wakes-up and picks his head off of the floor of a boat.  He rolls over and *splash* falls right into the ocean.  Being extremely hungover, he sinks quickly to the bottom of the sea.  He struggles to swim towards the top, but can not muster up the energy to make it there.  As he is sinking he sees a beautiful mermaid swimming towards him. She wraps her arms around him and nestles him safely in her bosom and pulls him ashore.  This maiden, however, isn't the beautiful mermaid he thought she was in his delirious half-drowned mind.  Instead, she is a married mother of 8 who just happens to live and fish off the coast of Key West.  Turns out Ice was only in about 4 feet of water and she was in her waiters trying to get some breakfast for the kids.  Ice thanks her for saving his life. She brushes it off as nothing and insists he come over for breakfast with her family.  Her family is amazing.  Her husband is a retired soccer player from Jamaica and they have 8 wonderful children ranging in ages from 20 - 8.  Their house also doubles as a factory / office for their business...Customized Jerseys. 
 
The day with the family is truly dreamy.  They discuss all manner of subjects, play soccer on the beach and cap the night off with dinner and drinks.  In a drunken stupor Ice explains to them his dream of making New York Yankees Basketball Jerseys.  They agree that it is a wonderful idea.  Celebrations take place and Ice heads home the next morning.
 
Back home it's the same old shit for the first couple of weeks in the new year, but then a large box arrives at Ice's door.  It is a box of New York Yankees Basketball Jerseys.  They made them!  He puts one on and the excitement is uncontrollable.  The dream has finally been realized, but now what?  How does his get the word out about these wonderful jerseys?  Then it hits him, call up Cocaine Bref.  He's the only man fit to handle a job like this.
 
Coke Bref’s cellie starts ringing from a muffled vantage point.  It stirs him from a slumber and he quickly realizes it must be somewhere buried in the sand around his body considering he is completely naked and thus has no pockets.  He follows the sound and quickly finds it about 3 feet from where his head was “laid” to rest.  Icy Ice is on the phone and can hardly speak.  “Where are you Bref?” finally comes from his mouth – “Dude, calmdown, aren’t you going to ask me about my buzz?”  “Shit, sorry CB – you got a tasty buzz kickin?”  “Hell Yeah, man!  I'm at some sort of sex camp out on the tip of the Baja peninsula of Mexico.  Been drinkin’ some sort of aphrodisiac liquor all week and about as dehydrated as a dude can get, but fuck – I’m buzzin like a friendly dragon.”  The conversation goes on from there for about 2 hours, probably too long but Ice wanted the update on the camp shenanigans.  He eventually gets around to telling Coke Bref about the jersey situation.  Realizing that Ice is about to realize his #2 goal in life – Cokey B gets his slam face on and gets down to business.  By nightfall, he is overlooking the Pacific Ocean from a secret Los Angeles nightspot in front of his laptop, three cellphones blazing.  “Get my distro guy in the White City and tell him that NY better be ready to buy and buy like sluts cause this shit is hotter than fuck”.  Within 4 hours he has another type of buzz going – he decides to take a break and flip on the television – as the tv picture warms up you hear the familiar voice of Joan Heart as Entertainment Tonight opens their show with a story on the hottest fashion to hit the streets since those fuckin furry boots!  THE FUCKIN JERSEYS!  
 
The jerseys are an overnight hit. Cokey B and Icy B fly up to New York for the premiere party.  The premiere party is as wild as two horses fucking.  Guest list:  Jamie Foxx, Cedric The Entertainer, Jessica Simpson, Jessica Alba, George Stephanopoulos, Mandy Moore, Issac Bruce, Henry Rollins, Norman Schwarzkopf, Debbie from “Debbie Does Dallas”, Jenna Jamison, John Kerry, Mike Vick, John Bon Jovi, Wachovia, Kelly Ripa, Joe Montana, Donald Trump, Frank Ski, Oprah, The Blonde Dude From Queer Eye, Dave Schools, Michael Eisner, The Prez, Mark Anthony, Rosie O’Donnell, Howard Stern, The Wolfman, The Arizona Cardinals, & Dolly Parton to name a few.  Early in the night people are just mingling and having some snacks.  Ice takes the mic and asks for everyone’s attention.  The room gets quiet.  “WHO WANTS A DVD?!”  The crowd erupts!  Ice has a copy of "Space Jam" and tosses it to some broad in the front row.  “Now we all know that we are here for a reason.  I am not going to sugarcoat this at all people – we are going to make a lot of money from this. It's a fucking home run idea realized by me and Cokey B.  Here is the thing – we only want to keep like 20 Mil of the profits.  The rest of the profits we are going to use to build an island in the Caribbean and name it “The Dolphins Rule”.  It's going to be free to stay there and you can come down and party as much as you want and it will never get old.  It's mine and Coke Bref’s gift to those that love life and love to feel that buzz.  So let's get down to business – ladies and gentlemen – Coke Bref and I are proud to introduce to you the best thing that you could ever own – the NEW YORK YANKEES BASKETBALL JERSEY!!!  Ice immediately gets a blowjob and up from the floor comes a dj booth and Cokey B takes over on the 1’s and 2’s as two hoses comes down from the ceiling and they both kick a righteous beer blast.  Let's just say the night ends back at the after-afterparty somewhere in the Hamptons with acoupla llama races and Vietnamese contortionist demonstrating positions for the party to partake in. 
 
After the premiere party, Coke Bref takes his sexcopter to L.A. for business and Ice stumbles into the streets.  He decides to take a quick piss in the alley before beginning the walk, but there is something blocking his path...The New York Yankees.  The whole damn team.  Apparently they don't like people messing with the tradition of the team. 
 
"We don't like you fucking with our jerseys" screams Jeter.
 
"Ah, Fuck You, Jeter" Ice yells back. 
 
A-rod jumps in front of Jeter before he lunges at Ice.  Alex turns to Ice, "Look, Ice, I'm sure we can handle this in a better manner, but we just want to talk to you to see if we can come up with some kind of compromise."
 
"Kiss my ass, A-Rod you fucking prick- nice face. Did you just fuck a zombie?"  Right after Ice yells this Jeter and the rest of the team and shove A-rod out of the way and give him a brutal beating in the alleyway.  Laying on the ground, pain is all Ice can feel.   He uses the rest of his energy to open his eyes and sees A-Rod staring down at him.  Jeter is yelling at A-Rod.
 
"FUCKING HIT HIM YOU PUSSY!!!"
 
Alex just stares at Ice.
 
"KICK!!!" Matsui screams
 
Ice spits up some blood, "Alex, please, I'm just trying to get a piece for me and mine."
 
"ARE YOU SOME KIND OF QUEER??" Randy Johnson yells in A-rod's face.  A single tear rolls down Alex's face and then he kicks.  Fade to black.
 
When Ice comes to he is in the hospital and has numerous injuries.   Coke Bref upon hearing of the beating turns the sexcopter around and comes straight to the hospital.  He brings Ice this shit that the Vietnamese woman gave him – its some mind bending cream that you rub on your legs and all you do is hallucinate about being in Narnia.  A good trip, and Ice forgets all his pain.  After a couple of recovery days A-Rod decides to pay Ice a visit and brings him some flowers and candy.
 
"Ice, I just want to say I'm sorry.  That comment about the Zombie really set the team off. I'm truly sorry."
 
"Get the fuck out of here" Ice tells him.  A-Rod is on the verge of crying.
 
"I shouldn't let those guys get to me like that." A-rod explains. "I didn't want to be involved in it."

"Your face makes me sick.  Leave me in peace." Ice tells A-Rod before he falls asleep.
 
The next day Ice is ready to leave the hospital and the guys in The France are waiting outside to go on a celebration tour of Poland.  Oh junk.  Every show is sold out because the Poles love the France, so needless to say, The France is truly showing them the meaning of hammjammin'.  During one of the afterparties Cokey B comes up with something truly out of this world – a flying pill.  The guys were wondering why in the hell he was skipping like half of the afterparties on the tour, and it was because he had brought along his mobile lab and was laboring on a serious formula to make people fly like Jesus.  So Coke shows up at this afterparty with a grin like a fuckin' demon – he says guys – take a pause.  Next thing we know – we are flying above Warsaw hammjammin triple time.  Nobody can catch us – so the next thing Cokey B drops on us is that he made a liquid form as well, which will help with things like KEGS!  Darkness, Crog, and Bref swoop down to a beer store and pour a vile of this fly sauce over a keg. Shit. Thirty seconds later The France is having a beer jam about 20 feet above a lake!  Awesome.  In a moment of silent reflection Dark turns to the boys, "Guys, do you realize how this is going to affect the world of the party?"  "Yeah." Coke tells him.

This pill “takes off” in Poland and spreads rapidly to the rest of the world, but Georgey Bush doesn't like it.  He thinks it's some terrorist shit and bans Je Suis France from returning to the states.  This is unacceptable for the dudes because Darkness needs to get back to his wife.  The France decides to hold a benefit concert for themselves in Poland.  It is the biggest concert in Polish history.  It is also the best concert in Polish history, however, halfway through the set a U.S. military jet bombs the generator.  All the power is lost.  People are beginning to riot and get out of control, so the France acts quick and grabs some acoustic guitars.  Then, as Forever Dudes, they debut a new song, "California Will Always Rule".  The crowd is speechless. The country is speechless.  The NON AMERICAN WORLD ELECTS JE SUIS FRANCE AS THE PARTY AMBASSADORS!  The next morning every headline says, "FOREVER DUDES DEFEAT U.S. MINDS"  The France are now global heroes, but their return to the states has now become even more difficult.
 
The dudes decide to capitalize on their immediate success and book a world tour.  Dark clears 2 more weeks with his wife and plans on flying her out for the show on Mt. Vesuvius in Italy (after party in the pizza mines).   The trip is a worldwind, no sleeping – sold out arena’s – countries changing their national anthems to “Runnin From Heaven”.  Wild shit.  In Asia, each country presented the boys with a gift, mostly cattle and shit like birds and shit, but in Laos the prime minister pulls Jeff aside and gives him a batch of the most potent Asian weed known to man.  Jeff doesn't talk for the next week.  Just smiles.   The Mt. Vesuvius show is a total jam.  1.5 mil, no sweat.  Rocked em all.
 
Yes sir, things are going pretty sweet for the boys overseas, but little do they know that trouble is brewing back home in the states.  As the boys are off partying, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is about to download "California Will Always Rule" from itunes to use in his upcoming re-election campaign.
 
"99 CENTS TO YOU, 100 MILLION DOLLARS TO ME! HAHAHAHAHALOLLOL" Arnold proclaims while sitting alone in his office.
 
The France are in Japan in the midst of the benefit / return to the states campaign tour when their soulmates, Still Flyin', in California send word about Arnold's dirty work.  He has adopted their song to get himself re-elected, but he's actually planning on destroying California.  Arnie and his vice-governor Sly Stallone have been secretly working on a device that would give them supreme control of California, an earthquake machine.  After winning the elections they are planning on setting off the earthquake machine right along the San Andreas Fault causing California to breakaway and become an island.  Once it's an island, Arnie will elect himself Supreme Leader of the land and take complete control of California.   Jackie Chan, who is Arnie's Ambassador of Unmentionables, finds out about his plans and informs Still Flyin'.  Big Brah calls a very seriously emergency band meeting to come up with a plan to sneak The France back into the states. What takes place here is one of the most beautiful collective mind riffs that has ever taken place. A plan is made and the work begins immediately. Within 24 hours they have successfully constructed The Awesome Sub. 

 At their last show in Italy, the France keeps seeing this flashing coming from the crowd, like a reflector thing.  The Lord gets out his binoculars which are attached to his sampler and looks directly at the light. It turns out it’s a man in a cloak holding up a metal sign that reads “Party Sub for ya’ll after the show by the water side” which is carefully etched into the silver platter.  The Lord is like, "tight" and immediately after the show is over he tells the guys about The Awesome Sub.  Everyone high fives and climbs on their horses (a gift from Thailand) and gallop through the crowd (completing the world record for high fives, suck it Tenacious D).  By the water there is a fuckin gang of 17 strong all standing by the water wearing cloaks.  The gang dismounts and is puzzled because where the fuck was the party sub and were they going to be in a fight?  Was it the Skulls coming to get them all the way from stateside and put an end to these rebel rousers once and for all?  Fuck Naw! The hooded clan pulls back their disguises and fuck, its Still Flyin’!  Everyone hugs and high fives some more (added insurance) and right before Jeff could udder the word Party Su… up bubbling from the water is a disco ball and some lights which is attached to a fucking submarine – techno blasting.  The Awesome Sub has arrived, and don’t worry there were plenty of party subs on the inside to eat – and also don’t worry – the shitty techno music stops once the sub sets off.  Still Flyin' and The France jam all goddamn night on the trip from the Mediterranean, through the Suez Canal, down the Red Sea, out into the Indian Ocean, across the Pacific Ocean and into the Bay area.  Probably the longest party to ever go on record as having existed.   The Awesome Sub lands on shore and the Dudes are so happy to be back on their soil again, back inside the boundaries of the country that currently hates them. When all of a sudden, FUCK SOME TANKS!  Its Arnold!  DAMN IT, he knew!  He then challenges the France to a HONORABLE CAMPAIGN.  Let's see who wins!  He laughs and then rolls over Jackie Chan for disclosing his plans.  Jackie is hurt and the camera flies into his face and he just rests his head against his hand in the sand and is like “oh well”!  HAR.
 
Once inside America, The France / Forever Dudes start battling Arnold for Governor.   The campaign mostly consists of each side trying to outdo each other in a series of dueling concerts.  Schwarzy hires Soundgarden to reform to play "California Will Always Rule" and Je Suis France / Still Flyin' do an all-star jam of it every night. 
 
It's grueling hard fought campaign, but election day finally rolls around.  The polls are showing the Dudes ahead of Schwarzy in the gov. race, but Arnold's not prepared to lose to some punks.   He decides to bring in some big guns for one final dirty blow. He hires Derrick Jeter and his boyfriend Mariah Carey to show up to the France show, in a set of Nixon & Marilyn Monroe masks, and unplug our amps.  What a dick, a bumbling dick.   Arnie waits until right before the end of the concert to give Jeter the go-ahead sign, but Jeter is backstage jerking off Mariah so he misses the signal.   What is Arnie going to do, the France is about to finish the show and complete their jam???  He has to do it himself.  He runs to the vantage point, pulls out his beretta and kills Jeter and Mariah.  Then, he grabs the Nixon mask and just starts fucking running.  Right in the middle of the crescendo of the Cali jam Crog catches a glimpse of Richard Nixon running at full speed towards the generator – "NOOOO!"
 
Then, out of nowhere, A-Rod flies in on a skateboard and kicks the shit out of the masked man right as he reaches for the plugs.  The France & Flyin' stop mid jam and everyone is shocked.  A-Rod leans down and pulls the mask off of the beaten character.  It's Arnie!  The crowd gasps. 
 
"That's your third strike, Schwarzy.  You're out." A-Rod says with his skateboard cocked back like a baseball bat.  A-Rod then steps into his swing and knocks Arnie so hard he flies back 10 feet.  "A-Rod, how did you know?" Sean asks. "While you guys were jamming Entertainment Tonight reported the election results and you guys won. I was just coming to congratulate you and I guess ol' lady luck just happened to be on my side today." The crowd erupts into a celebration upon hearing the election results. The crowd is ready to crown the boys governor, but the boys have something else in mind. They have decided to let California govern itself. Everyone is elected Statesmen Governor. The whole state explodes into a level three hammjamm.

Ice walks over and extends his hand to thank A-Rod.  A-Rod reaches to shake hands, but then pulls Ice forward and hugs him.  After the hug A-Rod turns to walk away, but Cokey B is standing there holding the bass out to him.  "Your job ain't done yet."   Alex straps on the bass and the boys have an ultimate jam.  The camera zooms out as New York Yankees Basketball Jerseys begin falling from the sky and onto the crowd.  The camera tilts up towards the heavens as one gently falls over the lens and the people rejoice.