The Crypt Kicker Five

This is movie will be a mixture of Bram Stoker's Dracula and Fleetwood Mac's Behind the music. It takes place in the distant future in a world where monsters, aliens and humans live amongst each other and will be filmed in the style of those hip-modern monster movies, like Dracula 2000 or Blade 3, where all the monsters have really scary faces, wear sleek modern clothes and go to underground raves to do drugs and listen to techno music. The monsters in this movie, however, are in a really awesome hard rock band. Their songs are kinda like Nine Inch Nails’ “Head Like A Hole” or something like that; except all of their songs rule and everyone in the world loves them.

Crypt Kicker Five Line-up:

Dracula - Lead guitar, vocals
Octavia, Queen Vampire - Vocals
Rain the Mummy - Keyboards, vocals
Eyegore the Igor - Bass
The Werewolf - Drums

The Werewolf and Rain the Mummy started the group, The Crypt Kickers, together. As soon as they started they cut a record and immediately started touring. Playing is what they loved to do more than anything else. They loved being on the road and the lifestyle that came with it. They quickly became pros on the road and their friendship was reaching new levels (Rain the Mummy is an asexual being and moves freely from one sex to the other, so obviously there were times when he and The Werewolf hooked up at the afterparty they were always more friends and bandmates lovers.) After a couple of years on the road though the band wasn't reaching the audience that The Werewolf and Rain had been dreaming of. They were in dire need of some hits. Luckily, the Crypt Kicker Five story doesn't end there. This is when destiny brought them together with Dracula and Octavia, Queen Vampire.

Dracula and Octavia were your typical symbol of young true love. The were each other’s first and only love and grew-up together, so almost everything they had experienced in life had been done with each other. They loved parties, had orgies together with piles of virgins and spent countless nights dining on fresh blood. Most of all though, they enjoyed playing music together. Dracula was a wiz on the guitar and wrote the most righteous riffs. His riffs were so righteous that most men would spend their entire lives without ever hearing a better one. Octavia’s lyrics were the perfect compliment to his riffs. Her long life being brought up as vampire royalty gave her the anger to make Dracula’s riff even more powerful and her womanly point of view gave the music some much needed emotion. One night at an afterparty Dracula and The Werewolf had a chance meeting, Dracula gave The Werewolf some of his and Octavia’s demos, The Werewolf loved them and thus Dracula and Octavia joined the band. The Crypt Kickers also decided to added Eyegore the Igor, who Rain had recently started-up a relationship with, on the bass to fill out the sound. Armed with a new line-up and a library of hits, they changed their name to the Crypt Kicker Five and cut a record.

Their first record as the Crypt Kicker Five was a hit. They had two top ten hits and began playing sold out shows all over United Colonies Alliance (aka: the land that used to be the United States). This new found fame had it’s riches and glories of course, but more importantly for the band, it had its dangers. For the first time in their long relationship Dracula and Octavia began fighting. Keep in mind though, they are monsters. They do not fight like a normal rock star couple would fight. These are building crumbling, mass amounts of innocent people dying fights. The first one occurs when Octavia walks in on Dracula having an orgy without inviting her. Octavia brutally murders the ten virgins in the room and then throws Dracula out their penthouse suite and into the traffic below. The cops are called and sidelines Dracula who then must wipe out all the cops trying to arrest him instead of continuing his fight with Octavia (cops and the law are not an issue with monsters). The Werewolf is too busy with his own debauchery to notice the on-going problems with Drac and Octavia and even Rain and Eyegore are cheating on each other. Halfway through the tour Drac and Octavia decide to break-up. It is very hard on both of them and becomes immediately apparent the rest of the band what has happened. Dracula spends hours after every show in orgies and going on killing sprees. The only sign that Octavia is still alive is the fact that she can still do blow. Octavia eventually begins to become herself again after one magically seductive night with Rain.

Things seem to be working themselves out until one night when Dracula walks in on Octavia sexing a pizza boy in the dressing room. Dracula has been cool about their break-up, but it doesn't ever truly hit home with him until he sees her with another. "The heart will always believe until the eyes prove it wrong" Dracula will sing one day. Consumed by jealously, Dracula flies into a blind rage and turns the pizza boy into a pool of bloody sauce. Drac's attack was so quick that before she can even react Dracula is gone and Octavia is left screaming with the liquefied remains of the pizza boy on top of her. The confrontation that follows is extremely hurtful, both physically and emotionally, for both parties. Dracula, however, deals the most painful blow when he debuts the new song he wrote about Octavia, “Lustface". It is his best one yet.

Rain is very understanding to Octavia’s situation. He is always trying to make her feel better by capturing young studs for her pleasure, but she has seem to lost her appetite for both food and sex. Then, one night while recording their new album, Dracula and Eyegore finish up their parts and decide to go slaughter a team of cheerleaders in a cow field (this scene is going to be fucked, only one cheerleader and one cow are left alive), so Octavia, Taylor and The Werewolf are alone in the studio. Drugs and potions are consumed in copious amounts and of course lead to an intense night of three-way love making. At one point The Werewolf pours a seduction potion over Octavia’s body and Rain the Mummy licks it up therefore making him under both The Werewolf and Octavia’s control. This act of wild passion inspires Octavia to write, “Sex Spell”, which her, The Werewolf and Rain record that night. It will end up being the last song on the Crypt Kicker Five's new album “Fairy Tales of the Night”.

The album becomes one of the biggest albums of all time. "Lustface" and "Sex Spell" shoot to the top of the charts where they battle and trade number 1 and 2 spots for months on end. They play hundreds of sold out shows and sell millions of records, but the relationships within the band continue to grow worse. Each night it is harder for Dracula and Octavia to hear each other's songs, The Werewolf's partying is starting to get in the way of his drumming and Rain's new found ways are beginning to drive Eyegore mad. Eyegore's love for Rain is a one sided affair now and his madness is also hurting his performance in the band. All it took was one night for everything to finally reach the boiling point with the group.

One night as the band pulled into town for a show Eyegore spied a group of young ladies standing on the side of the road. The vision touched his heart and made him viciously yearn for Rain. He immediately left to find the group of ladies and captured them. He soon realized that they were transvestites and that that was why he drawn to them. Struck hard by humiliation, Eyegore took the group up to the attic of a nearby rundown theater and tied them up where they would be held in his homemade torture prison, not just for the night, but for years to come.

With showtime quickly approaching Dracula went searching for Eyegore. As he opened Octavia's door though a familiar rage took over him. Inside, Octavia was hosting a werewolf orgy. Dracula begins slaying werewolves left and right until he falls to the ground as one of his legs is bitten in half. It is The Werewolf. Octavia without hesitation begins attacking Dracula and The Werewolf, but she is quickly pushed aside by Dracula, so that he may fight The Werewolf alone. Octavia leaves and Dracula and The Werewolf have the most intense monster fight that has ever taken place on this planet.

Several days later when the fight ends The Crypt Kicker Five break-up. Octavia builds a lavish castle where she lives alone and writes, Rain falls in love with an older lady and moves in with her, The Werewolf becomes a drummer for hire, Eyegore continues torturing his group of transvestites and after a couple of years of sleep, Dracula comes out with a solo record. Drac's solo record is well received, but sells no where close to "Fairy Tales of Night". It doesn't bother Drac because he likes the reviews more than the gold records, but one thing that does bother him is the massive chunk of his royalty percentage that the record company is now taking from him. He goes through all his Crypt Kicker Five royalty checks that have piled-up through his hibernation and sees that over the years the group's royalties have grown smaller and smaller and soon the record company will own complete rights to all of their music.

Dracula is pissed.

That night he shows up at Gnotic Record's Heaquarters L.A. to crash their late night executive cocktail party. The security guards' vocal chords are ripped out before they even see anything. The janitor is mopping up his own blood before he realizes that it's his own (sorry janitor, instincts). When Dracula reaches the party he flies through half of the people and turns them into corpses before most people can even take a sip. Something strange is going on though. After Dracula rages through the party there are still three record company executives standing. Dracula attacks and notices that they do not move like normal humans. They have the ability to move quickly and seemingly disappear for short periods of time. Eventually, Drac takes all three down, but not without a fight.

At home Dracula consults his library and learns that the record execs are actually Shadow People (Drac, of course, has the world's most extensive library featuring items that pre-date Christ to books on subjects that have yet to be discovered.) Shadow People are ghost-like beings except they are always dark and always mean. In recent times they have discovered that they could capture a person's body by standing directly in their shadow in pure daylight and using this method are trying to take over the world. Take it over one thing at a time. Dracula doesn't give a shit who is controlling the world because in recent years it has gone from humans to monsters to aliens, but when something is taking what is his...that's a different story.

Dracula calls up the band. He explains to each one what is going on and they are all ready to fight. Dracula, Octavia, Rain, Eyegore The Werewolf go from building to building exterminating all suspected Shadow People. The massive slaughter and almost complete destruction of an entire city is a sight which the world has not seen in many years. When the word gets out that the Crypt Kicker Five has sabotaged the Shadowpeople's plan to take over the world, the group is hailed as heroes. Reluctant to bask in the glory, but excited about working together again, they decide to play an one-off show.

From backstage the screams from the crowd is deafening. Everyone in the group is excited to be playing again and past wrongs are forgiven. They run up onto the stage though, and the stadium is empty. They stand bewildered for a second and then a sick empty feeling hits Dracula in the stomach. He looks out and sees a million green eyes staring back at him. It is an army of Shadow People (the army is going to be ghostly - CGI Lord of the Rings-style and the fighting is going to be ultra-violent) The Crypt Kicker Five doesn't stand a chance. The army tears the group apart quickly and leaves their bodies on stage. The camera pans over the bodies of the band members and then when it gets to Dracula's we notice that his hand is moving. The camera slowly zooms in as Dracula reaches up with his hand and turns on his amp.

Time to get the band back together.

To learn more about Shadow People, click here