unrealized scripts

2007 Year End List of Unrealized Scripts

2007-12-31T16:24:00.000-08:00

It's been a quiet year, so here's the year-end list of the top (only) movies we didn't realize.

Cenote Summer - An action movie about snorkeling in Mexico. Besides being filled with heart-pounding snorkeling scenes, this movie will also have a killer underwater makeout session and an ancient magical snorkel. I wrote about half of it but the action was becoming too real, so I think we'll change it to an action movie about two friends snorkeling in each other's pools in Mexico. The underwater makeout scene and magical snorkel will still stay.

Bogus, California - A guy gets transferred to the small California town of Bogus but quickly realizes something in the town is amiss when he can't get a wi-fi connection anywhere. He does some investigating and finds out Bogus, California is a slow small town that the Internet forgot. In order to fight boredom he introduces a new version of fantasy football to the town. The dude makes up all the rules as the game goes along so players win or lose mostly for unfootball related reasons. As the season moves along the pressure of the game wears on the town. The weekly penalties of personal slavery, renaming of bars & trading of personal items hurls the entire town into balls out anarchy. An anarchy that only one man and his fantasy football rules can stop. I guess this would be considered a Fantasy Football Drama. **Also, at one point someone dies from a laser attack.

Please Die Fatboy O'Brien - I don't know what this one is about, just a poster in a dream I had one night that I happened to remember.

Dead Heat - a sex morsel of an idea that Rippy had about zombie sex and underhanded political scandals.

SPCD: Smashing Pumpkins Cover Dude - Movie about DJ starting-up his dream project - SPCD (Smashing Pumpkins Cover Dude) which is him with an electric guitar and a mini-amp strapped to his belt playing Smashing Pumpkins songs. The movie will follow his rise to the top and eventual dream of all dreams where he is going to open up for the Smashing Pumpkins, but he meets Billy Corgan before the show and Billy is a douche. Instead of quitting right there DJ performs the best Smashing Pumpkins show of ALL-TIME and then retires on stage. F'ing Awesome!

Damned If You Do - This is Jeff Griggs' dream baby about a group of guys who have a fund-raising contest to see who can go the longest without shitting. Jeff actually has most of this one written out and sent it over to me to help out, but I dropped the ball. Hopefully I'll get back on it soon or Jeff can post his treatment whenever he decides to sign-up for the Internet.

The Sudan Boys Get Lost - African kids move to the US, start a band, do drugs, get laid, get hyped, sellout to save their country, become Presidents of Sudan. It feels good.

Water Thingy - Is there a monster in the town lake or is everyone just slowly going crazy from paranoia? Did the town drunk die from an accidental drowning or was he a victim of the thing in the lake? Is the town slut really a slut or is there a monster in the lake? This is going to be a psychological thriller!

DRACULASAUR ISLAND

2007-05-21T10:13:00.000-07:00

Just sayin'.

Coming soon: PAPER TOWEL MAGNATE in: THE SECRET OF DRACULASAUR ISLAND! guest-starring the Black Green Berets and a talking bear!

The Born-Again Athlete

2007-03-16T11:40:00.000-07:00

A short film with a whole lot of awesome action packed football montages

*beep-beep* *beep-beep*

I wake-up in a hospital bed and it's a pretty heavy scene. The only thing around me is a group of doctors who start talking to me about my accident, how long I've been out, what they did to me...blah, blah, blah. I'm bored as shit. I feel like I've done pretty good so far in my life, you know. I tried to be a good man, got up every morning and went to work each day. I figured that God would be smiling down on me for all my beautiful virtues, but it turned out he wasn't. He decided that it was time for him to show me who's boss, so he made some asshole run me off the road and into a tree. It wrecked me pretty good and put me on my near-deathbed. One thing ol' God didn't count on though was what those genius docs would do to me. As soon as I woke-up from the coma I could tell something was different, but I didn't care enough to ask. The doctors finally tell me that they decided to do an experimental surgery on me and replaced my heart with some parts of a motorcycle engine. I was like, "cool". As long as I'm not crippled and can still get feed the snake some blood, I'm good.

My wife and everybody wants to know what I'm going to do with my new second chance at life. Motivational Speaker? Charity Spokesman? Churchgoer? Organ Donor?

"FUCK NO!", I says to them, I says "I'M GOING TO PLAY FOOTBALL."

My wife starts to cry, so that is when I tell her that I told the docs to take out my tear ducts too. She divorces me, but I smoked the papers instead of signing them.

Trying to realize my gridiron dreams, I start hanging out at the local high school cause I don't know where else to start. Eventually some of the football players start hanging with me because I can buy beer and one night we decide to play 40-40, a race to see who can drink a 40oz then run the 40 yard dash the fastest. I smoke everyone. I'm so goddamn good at the 40-40 that the word spreads to the football coach and he decides to come check me out. He's impressed with my skills, so we make a deal that he'll sneak me into the NFL combine and if I give him my car. Done. The NFL scouts love my skills and my speed, but I fail the physical because of my cursed engine heart. NFL officials escort me out of the combine, so I hit the nearest bar. Hard. Once I'm finally starting to feel a buzz a man sits down beside me. His name is Bobby. He is a team medic and loved my playing so much that he wants to switch his x-rays with mine, so that I can play. Bobby is a good man, but Nam messed him up real good, so I'm not buying it and keep on drinking. He continues and tells me he's a millionaire ex-player and that anything can be bought in the NFL. The real reason he likes me, however, is because he lost his legs in a motorcycle accident and wants to see a half-human like himself play ball. It's a real sad story about his legs and he begins crying towards the end. I tell him that I had my tear ducts removed, so he stands up on his steel rod legs, salutes me and tells me that the football was created in my image.

Because of my twink-like frame the head coach of the team isn't buying into the idea of me, so during the last day of tryouts the coach offers a million bucks in cash to anyone that can take me out of commish because he's sick of seeing a twink walk away from bearish hits. I take about 3 hours worth of hits before the coach comes running up to me like Mt. Vesuvius on exploding day;

"DOES IT HURT? DOES IT MAKE YOU WANT TO CRY?"
"I can't. Got no ducts"
"WELL I GUESS YOU'RE THE ULTIMATE"
"Just into Touchdowns."
"YOU BETTER NOT GET HURT"
"whatever"
"We play on Sundays"
"cool"

I see Bobby kneeling on the sidelines crying like the happiest baby in the world. I give him a head-rub and tell him to get ready for a promotion. Needless to say, with my engine heart and Bobby calling my plays like an attack on Saigon, we win the Super Bowl that year. And the year after that. And the year after that. I set more records in my first three years then most players do in their whole career (most notably causing the most concussions with my chest). After three years though I thoroughly bored. While most players are interested in making money, starting families and all kinds of other things that people love and cry over, I am only interested in touchdowns, so with Bobby's money and my all-star rep we start our own expansion team. The Hawaii Man-Gods.

Our team works like this, we draft players, have them sign a contract and then Bobby replaces their hearts and takes out their tear ducts in the team locker room. It's a risky procedure, but Bobby's always improving. It is decided that I'll be the head coach and Bobby the play caller. He calls the plays like he's still in the midst of Nam, cries everytime we score a touchdown and I keep the guys up to par on the execution side. We, of course, win the Super Bowl, but the notable thing is that I am the first player in history to win coach of the year and be MVP of the Super Bowl. Bobby is overwhelmed at our success and can not stop crying from happiness. I, however, feel nothing than the usual emptiness that I've always felt while not in the endzone. Then, it is announced that the NFL has to decided to have a special double trophy presentation for me in my home of Hawaii. In attendance at the ceremony are all the head coaches, every living hall of fame player and my team of heartless followers. The two trophies are unveiled in front of me and a rainbow suddenly sprouts from each one. The 'bows fly over the stadium's goalposts and off behind the volcanoes in the distant. Something begins to come over me, a feeling I don't recognize. It almost feels like an erection coming from underneath my eyes. The feeling becomes so intense that I'm about ready to have an orgasm when my eyes become filled with blood. I feel the blood pour down my face for a couple of seconds and then pass out. They rush me to the hospital, but I die on the way. Exploded ducts. I guess Ol God decided to show me who's boss again with his double rainbow launch. The sentimental acts from the good men of the NFL and the cruel beauty of nature caused me to catch an emotion like a case of Bird Flu. What God doesn't know though is that Bobby is building a statue of me in Hawaii so that forever I will remain a god amongst the men of the NFL. As far as football is concerned God and I will be equals.

Abe, Can You Hear Me Now? [episode one]

2007-02-12T12:48:00.000-08:00

I know this probably seems a little obvious, but that's only because it's based on a true story.

Ezra's about the happiest-go-luckiest dude on the Earth. Whistling World Champion, Heel Click Olympian, and Freestyle Walking King are only a few of his accomplishments based on his exuberant demeanor. He can't help himself; he's just got the spirit. However like a lot of people, with the highs also come the lows. Ezra can really get down in the dumps at the drop of a hat.

The most consistent source of affliction to Ezra is his coworker Adam. Adam is one of those people that can't stand it when people whistle. They spend a lot of time together at Digiorno's Pizza, where they are co-managers. Adam the cynic hates Ezra and his boundless positivity, and a 40 hour a week job alongside the Whistling World Champion really brings out the nastiest parts of him. He screams and screams at Ezra to stop whistling, to stop being so damn happy and hits him upside the head until his mood plummets into the depths of dour depression. That version of Ezra bums Adam out too, but at least Ezra doesn't talk or make any sounds or movements when he's depressed.

Adam's the first name in Ezra's cell phone. They need to keep in touch with each other while out on deliveries. Since Adam's name is the first entry into Ezra's phone, when Ezra gets excited and does some energetic movements it results in a lot of unintended calls to Adam. Ezra will be in the middle of a long combo of freestyle walking moves when the joy is interrupted by Adam's voice shreiking out of his pocket.

"QUIT THAT FUCKING FAIRY DANCING YOU FUCKING IDIOT! HELLO? DO YOU HEAR ME? QUIT THAT FUCKING DANCING! FUCK YOU, YOU DIPSHIT FUCK!"

What a mellow harsh.

Ezra decides he needs to rectify this situation. If he's gonna dance, the phone is gonna call somebody. He needs a contact the comes alphabetically before Adam, and preferably a fictitious one. No one wants to repeatly call someone on accident. Ezra thinks for a little while and eventually types in Abraham Lincoln. 555-5555. Satisfied, Ezra goes out for walk, whistling at the top of his breath. The positive energy soon gives way to some choice heel clicks, which in turn morph into full blown freestyle walking. Ezra works up one of the best combos he's ever done, finishing with a flip off of a wall into a split. As Ezra sits silently in the splits position, basking in triumphant glory, he hears a sound coming from his pocket.

"Hello? Hello?"

Ezra takes out his cell phone. It's Abraham Lincoln.

We Three Kings

2006-11-10T13:30:00.000-08:00

HEY! I Know!!
The seasons have successfully changed, so let's just get a fresh start. Why not?

In the meantime, here's a TV show idea...

Three Elvises from three different periods of time living in the same house. An earthquake unlocks a time portal under Graceland, uniting the home's owner from three different stages of his life. "Baby" is teenage Elvis. He's the hot, rebellious type and doesn't want to grow up to be like his older self. He’s a teen, but as innocent as a butterfly. Middle Elvis, "Elvis", is the Elvis from the '70s. He's the stubborn ruler of the house. He performs occasionally and runs a mishap-laden Memphis Mafia. "Gramps" is Elvis from 2020. In 2020, He is the world’s greatest suppler of cheap pharmaceutical drugs. He invents all the drugs in his Graceland labs and sells them to the public at very cheap prices. He lives in hiding, never goes out without one of his trustworthy disguises, has a large supply of futuristic gadgets and is always trying to prove to the other Elvises that people are out to get them. These people are actually a group of scientists from the future that are trying to gain access to the time portal and stop Gramps from reaching the year 2020 and being the awesome dude that he is.

Episode 1: “Peace Pills”

The leaves are beginning to turn a beautiful shade of brown outside and Baby seems to have caught a case of Autumn Love! The big Fall Dance is coming up at school and Baby has his heart set on one girl, Sally Feathers. There’s a problem though, Sally doesn’t seem to be interested in him. Baby decides to go to his dad, Elvis, for advice, but sadly this only brings more stress for Baby. Elvis has never had to work at picking girls up, so his advice of “give her some love pills”, doesn’t help Baby that much.

Baby is determined, however, that Sally Feathers will be his date to the Fall Dance. The next day at school Baby decides to play a song he wrote for Sally during lunch. He walks into the cafeteria with his guitar, but his nerves get the best of him and he freezes. Everyone starts staring and pointing at Baby with his guitar and Baby is too scared to move. Finally, he makes a dash to the hallway where he is busted for not having a hall pass. Baby is sent to the principal’s office where he is suspended from all school activities for a week, that means no Fall Dance. He goes home crushed.

Problems are a brewin’ at home too. Recently, Elvis and some of his boys started-up their own homemade ice cream parlor in Graceland’s garage and it has quickly become the loves of their lives. They serve the best ice cream that anyone in the town has ever had and they take great pride in their ice cream. A letter from the health inspector just arrived though and it says the health inspector is coming to investigate the parlor! If the store isn’t up to health standards then they get shut down! Elvis and the boys like the comfortable feel, so naturally the parlor looks more like a band practice space then your usual ice cream parlor.

Baby arrives home and decides to talk to his dad about his troubles. Elvis, however, is too busy cleaning to talk to him, so Baby decides to talk to Gramps.

Gramps is in the lab as usual, trying to figure out a way to close up the time portal under the house, so they can live in peace without the Mad Scientists from the future chasing them. Baby tells Gramps about his love and school dilemma and Gramps tells Baby to forget about the school dance and then starts rummaging through the lab and pulls out a box of pills. The box is labeled “Gramp’s Famous Love Pills”. Baby asks about how Gramps made them and he explains how he and his girlfriend discovered the elusive erotic leaf one night while they were out at the swimming hole.

Baby takes the pills to school the next day and decides to drop one in Sally’s drink during lunch. His nerves get the best of him again and he freezes up right before he is about to dose her. Baby heads home dejected and throws the love pills into the trash.

Elvis and the boys are still busily trying to get the parlor into tip-top shape for the health inspectors. They are sweeping, scrubbing and throwing away everything in sight. Beer bottles, shot glasses, weed. One of them, however, throws away the stash of chronic and it is decided that they should hang on to that. Elvis pulls it out of trash and hides it in one of the ice cream containers. What Elvis doesn’t notice though is that he also pulls out the Love Pills and hides those in the container as well.

Rumors start spreading around town that the Health Inspectors are going to close down the great Ice Cream Parlor. People begin flocking there to stop them. Everyone is eating ice cream and of course it is all being served from the container with the Love Pills in it. The love pills, however, have a different effect on people in the present than they do on people in the year 2020. Instead of making people want to make love like they do in the future, it merely makes everyone extremely peaceful. The Parlor is now filled with people having a sit-in, singing, sharing milkshakes, hugging, pretty much just having a righteous peaceful time.

Baby is upstairs in his room when he hears all the singing and decides to go downstairs to investigate. He walks into the garage and sees a bunch of kids from school sharing milkshakes, holding hands and acting like couples. He thinks about Sally and his heart breaks an inch more. He goes back to his room and puts on a Depeche Mode record.

The Ice Cream Parlor is now overflowing with positive vibes, so when the Health Inspectors show up the Parlor erupts into a huge Harsh Zone. The Health Inspectors are not working like normal health inspectors. They are kicking over people and milkshakes, yelling about how filthy everything is, one of them is constantly puking. Elvis, who ate some of the peace cream, starts to get very scared. He apologizes to the inspectors, but they just yell louder and say that they are going to close down the entire house! Gramps hears the commotion coming from the Parlor and goes to see what happens. He walks in and sees Elvis and the rest of the town in tears begging the Health Inspectors not to close down the Parlor while the inspectors are carrying out barrels of Ice Cream into the sun so they can melt.

Gramps notices something weird about the inspectors. They’re not the Health Inspectors; they’re the Mad Scientists from the future out to stop the Kings. Gramps calls the cops and reports the imposters.

During all this commotion Sally Feathers shows up at the Parlor, but it is too crowded to get inside. Instead, she goes inside the house and hears Depeche Mode coming from upstairs. She opens the bedroom door and finds Baby in there. “Hey, it’s kinda crazy down there. Do you mind if I chill here with you?”

“Yeah, come in”

The Health Inspectors are in process of collecting Elvis’s house keys when the cops arrive and arrest them. The cops are putting the Mad Scientists in the back of the cop car when Gramps comes out of the house and shakes his fists at them while yelling, “See you in 2020!” The Scientists give a wink and an evil grin and then disappear from the back seat of the cop car.

The peace pills begin to wear off of Elvis and he realizes that he has been too busy with the Ice Cream Parlor to talk to Baby. He goes upstairs to Baby’s room and hears Depeche Mode playing inside. He figures Baby must be upset, so he opens the door to go talk with him, but inside he finds Baby and Sally in the midst of a killer make-out sesh. Depeche Mode is cranking at full blast, so they don’t even notice. They just continue to make-out.

The Recyclist

2006-07-06T11:05:00.000-07:00

New joint from the unrealized collective

This is a story about love, fighting, and a dude named Stanford Spitz. Stanford’s dream in life was to be awesome. He didn’t dream of being all around awesome just unusually awesome at one thing. Anything. Well, one night when Stanford was in college it almost happened. He was hosting a party for his friends and realized he was a pretty good recycler. All his friends threw away their cans, but he threw his in the blue bin. After that night Stanford gets really into recycling. Really, really into recycling. His talents include skills like; being able to look at something and immediately tell if it can be recycled and knowing which bin it goes in, but this didn’t ever make Stanford the best recycler in the world, just its biggest fan.

Stanford, however, is the type of guy that takes his passions to the extremes; he becomes so obsessed with recycling that he starts to see everyone who doesn't recycle as an enemy of the Earth. As time goes on his love for recycling is overshadowed by his growing hatred of trash. It takes over him completely and then one night at a friend's party he has too much to drink and loses it. After spending the entire night watching people throw away bottles and cans Stanford flips out. He beats a group of guys to a bloody pulp and then sets the trash on fire. Watching the trash burn brings Stanford to an almost orgasmic state. It is the most best feeling ever, so he decides to keep it going and heads over to the city dump and sets it ablaze. As Stanford sits and watches the city dump burn he realizes that destroying all the trash in the world will be his life mission. He will become the Recyclist.

The Recyclist takes a lot of pleasure in watching all the evil trash burn, but another pleasure that he quickly discovers is that burning trash annoys all of the city's residents.
After a couple of major cities are hit with trash fires, the Recyclist begins to receive some national attention. Feeling confident that his message is now being heard, Stanford begins to get some swagger in his step. He's never been much of ladies' man, but now that he's a man on a mission, confidence is pouring out of his pants. Everywhere he goes now there are two missions; the Recyclist must burn as much trash as possible and Stanford must sleep with as many women as he can. Obviously, he doesn't care about the women or the children, but believes that if he can spread his seed enough the future generation will share his hatred for trash. He needs an army. After a couple of years his work becomes clockwork; set city dump on fire around midnight, get to bar around 1am and leave with girl by closing time. Things are going as smooth as can be until one day when the pattern is disrupted. By a woman. A woman named Rose.

Rose lives on the outskirts of Eugene, Washington. She bought her house a couple of years out of college when she first started working at the local library. She has lived and worked there ever since. She loved every aspect of her life until the Eugene City Dump was re-located right behind her backyard. Since then her life has been devoted to fighting trash and the local government.

Having worked at the library as an archivist now for 10 years, she has read numerous stories about the Recyclist. So, when she is hanging out on her deck one night and sees a small fire start to burn at the dump she gets very excited. Rose runs to the dump and finds the Recyclist admiring his work. She runs up to him and throws her arms around him. The two begin to kiss franticly with the fire burning quickly behind them. Soon an entire mountain of trash has caught fire and The Recyclist lays Rose down and they make the sweetest love.

Rose awakes the next morning to find the mass of trash behind her house gone, but so is the Recyclist. With a thrashed heart and an embryo in her belly, she begins hunting down the Recyclist, the man she loves. Finally, once she is on the brink of giving birth to his child, she catches up with him. Rose confesses her love for him and his child, but he pushes her away. In a fit of rage Rose grabs a piece of wood and whacks him in the balls with it. The Recyclist falls to the ground. Rose falls to the ground also, but it is because the excitement of the fight has caused her to go into labor. She delivers her baby there in the dump, but she dies right before the baby lets out its first cry. The Recyclist pulls himself together and leaves Rose and the baby in the dump to die.

Stanford awakes the next morning and the pain in his balls is too much to ignore. He goes to the doctor who tells him that the blow shattered his balls and he will not be able to have anymore children. Left with a meaningless sex life Stanford decides to devote all his time now to being the Recyclist. He doesn't realize, however, that the child he left to die in the dump that night did not. The child miraculously began surviving on its own inside the dump. He taught himself how to live off the trash for 16 years before he made his first human friend, Pauly the garbageman. Pauly and Dump Dude (what Pauly decides to call him) become fast friends. Pauly teaches Dump Dude about the ways of the world, Dump Dude shows Pauly how to live off trash. In fact, Dump Dude can ONLY eat trash. Pauly tries to slowly introduce Dump Dude to real world living, but Dump Dude has no desire for it. The only thing that interest Dump Dude is, Pauly’s daughter, Maria.

Maria is a stunning young girl with long black hair. She is a couple of years older than Dump Dude and is the editor of her school newspaper. Maria and Dump Dude fall madly in love. They spend hours reading stacks of old newspapers , skiing down trash mountains, antiquing, surfing on old car hoods and discussing their dreams (Maria’s dream is to be a reporter, Dump Dude wants to be reunited with his family). Their courtship continues to build for months until one day Maria shows up at the dump running with excitement. She’s gotten a full scholarship to study journalism at the University of Miami Ohio. Dump Dude is crushed by the news. He suggests they stop seeing each other.

Heartbroken by Double D dumping her, Maria begins pouring herself into her work at the paper. One story in particular has been gaining her attention, the actions of the Recyclist. Ever since his accident 16 years ago, the Recyclist’s trash fires have become more and more intense. They’ve increased so much that the number of trash dumps around the world has significantly decreased. Maria begins paying close attention to the Recyclist’s actions and starts to worry about Dump Dude and his home. She begins researching stories about the dump and finds a story about a woman’s body being found there. The article is 16 years old and says that the woman appeared to have been in a fight and died shortly after giving birth, but the baby’s body was never found. Maria rushes to find Dump Dude.

She shows Double D the article and tells him about the Recyclist. He immediately knows that the woman is his mother and that the Recyclist is responsible for her death. With tears in her eyes, Maria explains to Double D that this is one of the last pure trash dumps in the world and that the Recyclist will come here and kill Dump Dude and his home. She tells Dump Dude how much she loves him. Dump Dude holds her close and tells her that he must wait for the Recyclist and avenge his mother’s death. Maria slowly nods and stops crying. Dump Dude lays her down on an old mattress and then, for the first time in both of their lives, they make sweet passionate love.

Dump Dude spends the next couple of weeks quietly waiting for the Recyclist to come and burn down the only home that Double D has ever known. The place where The Recyclist left Dump Dude’s mother to die. Double D anxiously waits for the Recyclist’s return and then, finally, one night Dump Dude notices a small fire burning in the corner of the dump. He slowly climbs up to the top of a nearby trash mountain and sees the Recyclist. The fire is spreading quickly and is soon on the verge of taking over the dump. Dump Dude is frozen with fear, but then realizes he must take action. Double D pushes a car heap over the mountain and watches it explode in the fire below. The explosion sends the Recyclist’s limp body flying through the air. After watching the Recyclist lay motionless for a couple of minutes, Dump Dude climbs down the trash mountain to destroy it. Once Dump Dude gets close, however, The Recyclist suddenly lunges at Double D with a broken bottle. The bottle pierces Dump Dude's heart and he falls to the ground. The Recyclist laughs at Dump Dude and then bends down to retrieve the glass bottle from Double D's heart. Then, with his last ounce of energy, Dump Dude kicks the Recyclist into the fire burning behind them.

In the midst of his screams of pain the Recyclist yells out, "Die in this filth just like your mother!"

Dump Dude spits some blood out of his mouth and then grabs an old oily rag that is lying next to him. He flings the rag on top of the Recyclist. The fire erupts like a volcano and The Recyclist explodes into a million pieces.

"You burn like the piece of trash that you are." These are the last words of Dump Dude as he passes away in front of the fire and things fade to black.

Flash forward a year…

Maria is at her computer working on an article when all of a sudden she is interrupted by a cry. A cry….from a baby.

To be continued…..

The Shrimp Boater: a work in progress

2006-05-30T13:23:00.000-07:00

Tagline: "He's Got a Bucket For a Hand"

Synopsis: Crotchety old shrimperman develops a fantastic new video game about shrimp-boats. He loses touch with his roots and alienates all his friends. He dies craggy and alone and on top of a gigantic pile of money made from his amazing video game.

The first ninety minutes will be a stereotypical story of an old salty seadog, seeking redemption and understanding and sympathy and all that. At the end there'll be like eight minutes about the video game and how popular it becomes and how rich he gets and how dissolute and perverse he becomes all that shit. Then he dies and is buried with his billions of dollars. The End.

Treatment: Hiram tugs slowly on the rusty chain, pulling the bucket up from the fjord's floor. He pours the water and sediment through a strainer and sifts through the rocks and weed. Once again the bucket came up dry; once again the wily shrimp have eluded old Hiram. Hiram scratches his cheek with his nub and squirts a jet of black fluid out of the side of his mouth. Harvest time is almost over, and Hiram's shrimp-tank lies almost empty.

They're all gone now. Blizzy, Fatback, Tsetse, Firpo, even the old ball and chain and that damn crying baby, all up and gone and fled to bluer waters. Waters where the skies smile bashfully and the shrimp skitter head-first into buckets with limitless joy. All except for the missus, who's probably still being eaten by these very same shrimp Hiram's failing to wrangle. Probably why they're such assholes.

Light's almost lost and the wind is picking up; time for Hiram to head in. It's been a long, fruitless day, and the comforts of his warm bed lay enticingly in Hiram's head like a ham hock at a dogtrack. In time sleep will come, and in time those shrimp shall be his, if only in the secret alcove of his slumbering mind.

While dreaming Hiram catches a first glimpse of his startling future. He sees a typical American family sauntering into a Dave and Buster's. The two children gleefully run towards the video arcade, passing the horse-racing game, the Star Wars simulator, the virtual reality pterodactyl battles, and even the life-size video-golf chamber. They head straight to the greatest video game experience ever devised, Shrimp-Boat: Buckets of Shrimp. The kids dump buckets of tokens into the game, playing until their intestines unload in all possible directions. There's a line of future shrimp-boaters that extends past the front door, through the parking lot, and into the Hardee's next door, winding concentrically throughout the restaurant and ending inside the broken stall in the men's room. Yes, Shrimp-Boat is truly the most popular video game of all time, and all Hiram has to do is somehow develop it.

Hiram awakes in a cold sweat. The dream has revealed to him his destiny.

The next morning Hiram sets straight to work. He somehow develops the fantastic new video-game about shrimp-boats. Later that afternoon Dave buys Hiram a gold-plated helicopter, while Buster dumps a truck full of cash on his bed and fulfills his every sexual fantasy. Within minutes all three men are naked and glistening, with hundred-dollar bills stuck to the fluids that coat their entire bodies. Hiram's friends, hearing of his success, return to make amends, but Hiram turns them all down, and returns to his cash- and shrimp-fueled homosexual orgy. After collapsing into a giant quivering mass, Hiram and Dave and Buster fall blissfully into sleep. Before Hiram can begin another prophetic dream, his poor li'l heart gives out, and the lucky old shrimp-boater passes on with a massive smile on his face and a Sacajawea dollar stuck to the tip of his penis. And through it all, he had a bucket for a hand.

Paper Towel Magnate

2006-04-25T09:50:00.000-07:00

Mant Delorean sits in his spacious office, reading the Wall Street Journal. He is a burly tree-trunk of a man, standing six-foot-seven with a chest as round as a barrel. Strawberry milk drips from his bushy mustache, forming a tiny puddle on the surface of his massive elephant's-ear desk. Without taking his eyes off the paper, Delorean wipes his 'stache with a paper towel, and then towels up the puddles. Suddenly Delorean looks shocked; something he's seen in the paper has alarmed him. He lays the paper down on the desk, stares ahead ominously, and then closes his eye.

It's Saigon, 1936, and the Mongol Viet-Klan are threatening the Palace of Incorrect Dreams. Delorean and his faithful man-servant Wetherbee are watching the Superbowl in the Imperator's personal water closet. The Des Moines Myrmidons have just taken a 13 stroke lead over the Kinston In-Laws. The mood is so tense that Wetherbee can barely keep his tires from rotating.

Suddenly the Imperator's oafish daughter Unitil crashes stomach-first through the holo-converter. The signal is disrupted, the gamefeed lost, and the Superbowl becomes a mystery to Delorean and Wetherbee. Unitil struggles to pull herself upright while stammering about the Mongols. Mant Delorean cuts her off mid-sentence, and pledges to supply his friend and patron the Imperator with whatever amount of sickening violence necessary to stave off Jefferson Davis Khan and his rampaging mob of blood-starved Mongols. Delorean grabs his trusty catapault and charges out of the water closet, towards the frontline of the epic battle. Wetherbee recalls his reconnaissance module and waits for its return. Unitil asks him to braid her knee-hair.

Meanwhile Mant Delorean places his catapault at the center of the Palace's balustrade. He loads it up with maple syrup and aims it at the nearest Mongol. Although it should have been a direct hit the syrup somehow misses the Mongol by the slimmest of fractions! Delorean remembers that the Mongols possess the secret of deliberate fuzziness, and that they don't actually exist in any single spot at any given time, thus aiming at them is entirely useless and impossible. Delorean stops and solemnly intones a spell of general aimlessness upon his catapault and the sacred maple syrup that makes its most effective weapon, and then lets fly again with load after load. Direct hit after hit! The spell of aimlessness works, and the sticky syrup oozes throughout the ravenous horde.

Battles are not won with syrup alone, however. Delorean sets the catapault to auto-fire and swings down the tentacle-pole to join the Imperator and his finest frighting force on the plateau below. The 579th Frighting Fusiliers are the last of that mighty rank to still stand; as the Imperator's personal guardians since his ascent to the stone in epochs past, the Frightin' 579 has become the most storied legion in the Free Belgian East Vietnam. Their fear guns and scaramilitary training have prevented many a costly battle. Even they, though, are struggling against the Mongol Viet-Klan. Gradually, one by one, their number decreases, as the Mongol parabola closes in tighter upon the Palace of Incorrect Dreams.

The Imperator does not depend solely on the heroics of others, howsoever. With his frogurt-blade the ancient morelord can convert the most crazed of foes into a cup of delicious, sentient frozen yogurt. Countless are the villains who have perished between the lips of the Imperator's beautiful wife-mother Trixie. With his scimitar in hand, his back against his loyal captain of the guard, and his mind assuaged by the presence of the redoubtable mercenary Mant Delorean, the Imperator remains confident despite the seemingly overwhelming odds.

Almost immediately upon leaping into the fray, Delorean has helped turn this battle's tide. His subhuman fury enables him to tear through dozens of enemies at a time. Within minutes the almost failed defense has turned into an outright rout, as the Viet-Klan begin to flee back over the Intratemperance Valley towards their own domain. Mant Delorean gives chase after them, picking Mongols off one by one. Delorean can almost smell the musky stench of total victory as he gets ever closer to Davis Khan. His charging form stands mere furlongs away from the Dragon Standard when suddenly a superpowerful blast of deconcentrated air, that substance most damaging to the form and physique of the almost superpowerful Delorean, blasts the hero right in the back of the head. Delorean collapses into a heap on the valley floor, barely conscious. A scrum of Mongol Klansman swiftly scoop up our fallen hero and bears him aloft to the Dragon Standard.

Beneath that sinister marker of his own illimitable evil, Jefferson Davis Khan, general and President of the Mongol Viet-Klan, laughs imperiously at the crumpled form of Mant Delorean. He commands his lackeys to submerge Delorean' body in a chamber of deconcentrated air, stipulating that his head must remain above the air so that he does not die too quickly. As Delorean comes to, realizing his plight, he calls for Khan to unveil his plan, and explain how he was able to fell the mighty Delorean. Davis Khan reveals slyly how he learned about Delorean's weakness from none other than Wetherbee, Delorean's own faithful manservant. Wetherbee rolls into view, with a malevolent look upon his chrome grill. Delorean recoils in shock, and horror.

What will happen next to the intergalactic bounty hunter and man of virtue Mant Delorean? Did his faithful metallic manservant Wetherbee really double-cross him? What fiendish designs darken the mind of the evil Jefferson Davis Khan? Keep watching this website for these answers and more!

Blazers - "Wrecked"

2006-03-24T10:33:00.000-08:00

Here's a new Blazers episode that Darkness and I riffed out.

Episode 2 : “WRECKED”

Co-Starring - Ludacris

Ludacris and his friend, O-Dog, walk into Blazers. O-Dog orders two shots of whiskey and two PBRs. Jan, the Bartender, gives them their drinks and then goes to the back room. Luda and O-Dog take the drinks. "Why the hell did you order PBR?" asks Luda. “Why couldn’t you get something lighter? I’d never drink something the same color as me”, he says.

"Don’t worry about it. We’ll only be here a few minutes" says O-Dog.

"Dang. The world.” – Luda

Jan walks into the backroom and begins bitching to Richie, the piano player, who is having a smoke break.

"I hate all these PBR motherfuckers. America is not supposed to be like this. People like that are ruining the world. I didn’t come to America to watch people try to save all their monies." Jan eats a taco. “It’s going to be a long night.”

"Yeah, tell me about it." says Richie "Don't worry, hot score coming tonight. It'll take the edge off."

Right then there is a loud commotion from the corner table that Luda and his friend have moved to, Luda has just thrown up everywhere. He goes to the bar to get a towel, but Jan is pissed at him and tells him that he doesn't have a towel, "just use some toilet paper." Luda gets the toilet paper, tries to convince his friend to leave Blazers cause "it's just a bunch of country club waffers", but O-Dog is supposed to meet up with a guy here later to score some blow, so they have to stick around.

John Mark and Danny enter Blazers. They take a seat at a table near the bar and order a round of Jammers (the Blazer special tonight, Miller Lite with a shot of Jager). Their plan tonight is simple; find a couple of dames and dump their tab onto them. JM is out to pay revenge on the female sex after a couple of humiliating dumps and Danny just decides to go along in hopes of making out.

Eileen is the waitress tonight and is the first one to get hit on by the guys. Eileen has been a waitress at Blazers for over a year now, which is much longer than she would have hoped for, and today she was turned down for another dancing job. She hates everything about Blazers today, especially the customers.

Luda's Friend continues to order PBR despite Luda's hate for it. "Just order something good. And less dark. I'm paying for this shit. I'm rich. I'm fucking Ludacris, man." O-Dog doesn’t like fruity drinks though, "Nah man, look how stupid those rich white dudes look drinking that fancy ass shit." Luda glances at John Mark and Danny in their blazers drinking Jammers (which are only slightly browner than PBR) and agrees with his friend. They continue to drink pints of PBR.

Eileen keeps on bringing in the orders for PBRs which are driving Jan out of his mind. His hatred for "the PBR drinkers at table 12" is getting out of control and he has already eaten all of his tacos. Jan decides it's time to rely on his "Bar Control Plan". This is merely a bottle of Ruphies that he keeps under the bar and when a customer is becoming too much to handle he ruphes them just enough to put them to sleep. Eileen, however, is not aware of this and to help control her hatred for the customers she has been purposely mixing up the orders of JM and Danny with Luda's table. Her hate has become her passion for working tonight. Neither table notices the change in drinks and both keep chuggin’ along.

John Mark and Danny quickly find themselves a couple of rounds in. Danny can barely hold up his head, but John Mark, who kissed off the last bit of his blow in the parking lot, is only getting drunker because of the Ruphies. JM catches a glimpse of Luda and his friend in the corner table and starts to riff about the Blazers new-comers, "I hate it when people come here and don't get the special. They should not allow people to drink here without getting a Blazer. I mean it looks like they let any chump of the street in here. Those assholes are going to blow our cover. " Danny nods off. "Dude, are you listening to me? Do you want to pay for this tab out of your pocket?" Danny does not respond. "Don't worry, I hear Richie is going to score tonight. It'll wake you up."

Meanwhile, Luda’s patience for Blazers is quickly fading, "When is that dude going to get here? I hate hanging out with all these rich white fogies. All of them look like they’re going to prom or playing golf or something. I bet you they all have horses. White people love horses more than anything in the world. What’s up with that? All they want in life is a bunch of horses, so they can wake up at the crack of dawn and go comb their hair. If you have a bunch of money and horses you should at least ride ‘em across the desert."

Eileen takes another order from Luda and O-Dog. Luda, pissed with the PBR, asks for a goblet full of the most expensive beer they’ve got. Eileen returns with a glass full of amazingly rich, dark ale. Luda says “Shit, I can’t drink anything that dark, what the fuck?”. O-Dog talks him into taking a sip though, ‘cuz Luda hates to waste money. Luda takes one sip and spits it out. But he hates to waste money, so he tries to talk O-Dog into drinking it. Luda says “Dammit, O-Dog, drink this shit! Help a brother out!” O-Dog at first resists, though, saying, “But Luda, you don’t want us drinking dark stuff!” But Luda talks him into it, reiterating that he does not like to waste money, and would rather have a friend drink a dark, dark beer than have any of Luda’s money get wasted.

A couple of more rounds pass and John Mark is in the midst of trying to impress some ladies with a story about how he caught a Marlin off the coast of the Florida Keys. Danny is passed out at the table. John Mark is nearing the climax of the story and is acting out how he reeled the big sucka in when Luda passes by on his way to the bathroom. Here in the midst of Blazers, these two souls crash into each other. Oh Schnapp! Drinks go flying everywhere, John Mark is yelling about getting beer on his nice jacket, Jan is yelling about all the broken glass, Luda is yelling about John Mark crashing into him. Chaos. The ladies with JM, however, realize who Ludacris is. They immediately warm up to Luda and Luda decides to let the fight go hoping a bunch of pretty ladies will convince his friend to leave.

Luda and the ladies head to the table while John Mark and Jan curse him. Dwayne, the lady-killing-pizza-delivery-dude, walks in with a horse piñata. He looks around for Richie, who is on another smoke break, but doesn't see him. Dwayne decides to hang the piñata on the coat rack and goes to get the special and a blazer. Once at the bar he sees Luda with the ladies, "Fuck! Man, Ludacris is here. That fucker is going to steal all the tang. I fucking hate rappers. There should be some boundaries to keep famous people from coming around and stealing normal people’s pussy."

Luda has successfully convinced his friend to leave with the ladies and Eileen gives him his tab. The tab is for $22 and it’s all PBR. This is a red hot needle through Luda’s pride and re-angers him because he forgot he was drinking that shit all night. He throws down the bill and begins to walk out, but on his way out he sees the horse piñata hanging on the coat rack. "Fucking Horses!" He grabs an umbrella and walks over to it. "I'm going to smash the fuck out of this horse!" Richie, who was just walked in from his smoke break, turns around in slo-mo, "NOOOOOOO!" Dwayne, also turns around in slo-mo, "NOOOOOOO!" Both run towards Luda, but he smashes it before they get there. The horse explodes and a white powdery dust begins falling everywhere. The patrons of Blazers soon find themselves covered in the whiteness of blow. O-Dog fills up his pockets with some snowy blow and they leave the bar with every lady in tow. Leaving the bar with every single lady and proving to his friend that his theory about white people and horses is true, Luda is finally satisfied with the night.

Jan comes out from the backroom and sees Luda leave the bar. "Stop that man! He didn't close his tab!" Dwayne turns around licking blow off his hands, "Ludacris didn't close his tab?" John Mark comes up and starts licking Richie's cocaine covered piano, "Who the fuck is Ludacris?"

"The rapper. That dude is richer than everyone in this bar combined" explains Dwayne. JM finally realizes, “shit, let’s just party on his tab.” The dudes in the bar erupt into celebration as Jan declares an open bar for the rest of the night. Despite all the hating that has filled Blazers tonight a moment of love finally shines through in the world, John Mark stumbles into the bathroom high on cocaine and jacks-off into the urinal. When the semen crashes into the piss, beer and toilet water a realization hits John Mark, we are all one in this world.

And then he throws up on his shoes, and in the swirls of the vomit he sees a vision of mankind joined in perfect harmony, with people of all races, genders, and creeds splitting popsicles and Twix with each other.

Lunch With Buddha

2006-02-02T17:37:00.000-08:00

Tuesday Morning.
Tuba City, Arizona.
Present Day (within a week or two)

Alarm goes off at 10:55am and I snooze for about 15 more crucial minutes. It feels good to not really have responsibilities right now and to have to set my alarm to wake up before noon. Had a good time taco set last night which involved a new steak combo taco with some guacamole and tortilla strips. Crumbs are left next to the video game console along with the empty beer cans and graphs I got into last night. Put on some Poco and promptly got into the shower. Trying out some new conditioner my brother’s friend Kal suggested. Lets see if this shit works. Thought about the forest while cleaning my pubes making me think it may time to get out the razor from under the counter. Did the Lightning win last night, I hate those fuckers so I sure hope not. Fuck yeah, “You Better Think Twice”. What’s this peanut butter doing in the shower caddy?

Slip on my favorite slacks and my socks which I insert into my new birkenstocks. Groovy fit, feels good - like they belong there. Sit down in my chair for a think and a sip of joe. I have really been meaning to get into something good. Glance out the window and see that the clouds have spelled out “Cool Trip, Friend” in the sky. Not really but man, if I had my wishes.

Out the front door be sure to lock it up tight. Run into Red Foot Frank. He is on his way back from the slave grind, coming home to grab some cheetos and off again. He tells me about this sweet show he caught on the Sci-Fi channel last night. Luckily I TIVO every show on that channel (I usually delete like 98% of that bullshit). Walk across the street for a diet black cherry vanilla diet coke and find $60 and a coupon for free mini-golf and games laying on the sidewalk. This is going to be a great day and also a great night if I end up going to Liberty Zone Mini-Golf N Games Center tonight. We’ll see if my feet are upholding my legs by that time - but damn if these burks are still treating me this well later, my thoughts are pointing to yes.

Not very many people think about the cost of stuff these days. Like for instance I have always wanted a stuffed eagle for my den. Perched on a branch with a pear gripped in its talons. Symbolizes animal vegetarianism, their choice. I can feel the microwaves clapping from outside the door. Construction workers must be hungry, burrito #2 hungry men. #4 preset. 35 seconds. Lost in lotto, but really won with the tender in my pouch.

In the car on the way to pick up my friend the Buddha for our this Tuesday lunch. Wonder what he is going to talk about today? Policies? Hand wrinkle patterns? Cosmic slop? Wish we had a Harry T’s up here, that’s where I would take him. I don’t have a cell phone but I should probably get around to buying one of those go phones where I pay for the time I want to use. Pay in pennies or dollars and make like 50 half minute calls to random establishments. I kinda also wish you could pay for shit in gold. I bet Buddha could help me out with a stack of gold gorilla coins. Make our own mold, fill our own minds with friendship.

Saw two traffic accidents on the street. Both of them involved ramps and flipping. This is a fucking cool town. Light a candle on the dashboard, get some good scents going. Hear this song called “Camel Eye” on the radio by this new band called “Snortrind”. Such a joke. I should think of a good set of jokes to tell Buddha when he gets in the car and we are at lunch. I imagine he is going to want to go to the Swan House, but even still I should be ready cerebrally. Another billboard for the fat man. Another daydream of sex in another state. Black cobras. Orange cobras. Pink eye. One is better than the other, so don’t fret about having ocular problems, they are the least of your worries.

The northside of the city reminds me of what I would think Egypt looks like. Desolate with culture ribbons. Desperate with turquoise stones.

I pull into Buddha’s complex and give out a quick two burst honk. Not to call him out to come get in my car but just a heads that I will be up momentarily. I climb the outside ladder to the second tier where I then catch the elevator to the 4th. The door is cracked when I get there, confirmation that he heard my sounds. I walk in to a Milton Nascimento record on the turntable up at a medium volume. Sounds healthy. Buddha has an interesting style, not what you would think. He has a penchant for usurping your expectations. He checks his punch list and is ready to roll. He checks his watch and tells me I’m late, but that is ok because we are going to enjoy such a fine lunch and fine conversation. Cool Nike’s.

On the ride over to the Coach House (not the Swan like I had expected, not even the Public House as crept into my consciousness) Buddha was sitting cross legged with one knee up with his arms around that knee speaking freely of birds. I told him I had a profound topic to discuss. What is it friend? I began to explain one of my recent reflections - If I Was A Woman I Think I Could Get Away With Talking A Lot More Shit To People. He knew not where I was coming from. I trudged on not trying to seem crass, but explaining to him that at Ace Hardware the other day I had witnessed one of the cashiers being as rude as she desired to all the men and women coming through her line. Could have been a bad day, but I think I witnessed something grand. She had no reservations, what was going to happen truly? He told me to follow my dreams, I told him to quit being a smart ass. I realized it was somewhat of a dumb thing to bring up to such divinity, but you know what - hells bells and a basket of beer.

The Coach House was delectable and provided a nice habitat for soul interaction. He had the spring salad with gorgonzola and I had the brazen pork chops with the side of mint jelly.

Forever Dudes in "Global Jackaz"

2005-12-29T11:56:00.000-08:00

Icy B and Cokey B got together and discussed what awaits them in the year 2006...

New Year's Day, Ice wakes-up and picks his head off of the floor of a boat. He rolls over and *splash* falls right into the ocean. Being extremely hungover, he sinks quickly to the bottom of the sea. He struggles to swim towards the top, but can not muster up the energy to make it there.  As he is sinking he sees a beautiful mermaid swimming towards him. She wraps her arms around him and nestles him safely in her bosom and pulls him ashore. This maiden, however, isn't the beautiful mermaid he thought she was in his delirious half-drowned mind. Instead, she is a married mother of 8 who just happens to live and fish off the coast of Key West. Turns out Ice was only in about 4 feet of water and she was in her waiters trying to get some breakfast for the kids. Ice thanks her for saving his life. She brushes it off as nothing and insists he come over for breakfast with her family. Her family is amazing. Her husband is a retired soccer player from Jamaica and they have 8 wonderful children ranging in ages from 20 - 8. Their house also doubles as a factory / office for their business...Customized Jerseys.

The day with the family is truly dreamy.  They discuss all manner of subjects, play soccer on the beach and cap the night off with dinner and drinks. In a drunken stupor Ice explains to them his dream of making New York Yankees Basketball Jerseys. They agree that it is a wonderful idea. Celebrations take place and Ice heads home the next morning.

Back home it's the same old shit for the first couple of weeks in the new year, but then a large box arrives at Ice's door. It is a box of New York Yankees Basketball Jerseys. They made them!  He puts one on and the excitement is uncontrollable. The dream has finally been realized, but now what? How does his get the word out about these wonderful jerseys? Then it hits him, call up Cocaine Bref. He's the only man fit to handle a job like this.

Coke Bref’s cellie starts ringing from a muffled vantage point. It stirs him from a slumber and he quickly realizes it must be somewhere buried in the sand around his body considering he is completely naked and thus has no pockets. He follows the sound and quickly finds it about 3 feet from where his head was “laid” to rest. Icy Ice is on the phone and can hardly speak. “Where are you Bref?” finally comes from his mouth – “Dude, calmdown, aren’t you going to ask me about my buzz?” “Shit, sorry CB – you got a tasty buzz kickin?” “Hell Yeah, man! I'm at some sort of sex camp out on the tip of the Baja peninsula of Mexico. Been drinkin’ some sort of aphrodisiac liquor all week and about as dehydrated as a dude can get, but fuck – I’m buzzin like a friendly dragon.” The conversation goes on from there for about 2 hours, probably too long but Ice wanted the update on the camp shenanigans. He eventually gets around to telling Coke Bref about the jersey situation. Realizing that Ice is about to realize his #2 goal in life – Cokey B gets his slam face on and gets down to business. By nightfall, he is overlooking the Pacific Ocean from a secret Los Angeles nightspot in front of his laptop, three cellphones blazing. “Get my distro guy in the White City and tell him that NY better be ready to buy and buy like sluts cause this shit is hotter than fuck”. Within 4 hours he has another type of buzz going – he decides to take a break and flip on the television – as the tv picture warms up you hear the familiar voice of Joan Heart as Entertainment Tonight opens their show with a story on the hottest fashion to hit the streets since those fuckin furry boots! THE FUCKIN JERSEYS!

The jerseys are an overnight hit. Cokey B and Icy B fly up to New York for the premiere party. The premiere party is as wild as two horses fucking. Guest list: Jamie Foxx, Cedric The Entertainer, Jessica Simpson, Jessica Alba, George Stephanopoulos, Mandy Moore, Issac Bruce, Henry Rollins, Norman Schwarzkopf, Debbie from “Debbie Does Dallas”, Jenna Jamison, John Kerry, Mike Vick, John Bon Jovi, Wachovia, Kelly Ripa, Joe Montana, Donald Trump, Frank Ski, Oprah, The Blonde Dude From Queer Eye, Dave Schools, Michael Eisner, The Prez, Mark Anthony, Rosie O’Donnell, Howard Stern, The Wolfman, The Arizona Cardinals, & Dolly Parton to name a few. Early in the night people are just mingling and having some snacks. Ice takes the mic and asks for everyone’s attention. The room gets quiet. “WHO WANTS A DVD?!” The crowd erupts! Ice has a copy of "Space Jam" and tosses it to some broad in the front row. “Now we all know that we are here for a reason. I am not going to sugarcoat this at all people – we are going to make a lot of money from this. It's a fucking home run idea realized by me and Cokey B. Here is the thing – we only want to keep like 20 Mil of the profits. The rest of the profits we are going to use to build an island in the Caribbean and name it “The Dolphins Rule”. It's going to be free to stay there and you can come down and party as much as you want and it will never get old. It's mine and Coke Bref’s gift to those that love life and love to feel that buzz. So let's get down to business – ladies and gentlemen – Coke Bref and I are proud to introduce to you the best thing that you could ever own – the NEW YORK YANKEES BASKETBALL JERSEY!!! Ice immediately gets a blowjob and up from the floor comes a dj booth and Cokey B takes over on the 1’s and 2’s as two hoses comes down from the ceiling and they both kick a righteous beer blast. Let's just say the night ends back at the after-afterparty somewhere in the Hamptons with acoupla llama races and Vietnamese contortionist demonstrating positions for the party to partake in.

After the premiere party, Coke Bref takes his sexcopter to L.A. for business and Ice stumbles into the streets.  He decides to take a quick piss in the alley before beginning the walk, but there is something blocking his path...The New York Yankees. The whole damn team. Apparently they don't like people messing with the tradition of the team.

"We don't like you fucking with our jerseys" screams Jeter.

"Ah, Fuck You, Jeter" Ice yells back.

A-rod jumps in front of Jeter before he lunges at Ice. Alex turns to Ice, "Look, Ice, I'm sure we can handle this in a better manner, but we just want to talk to you to see if we can come up with some kind of compromise."

"Kiss my ass, A-Rod you fucking prick- nice face. Did you just fuck a zombie?" Right after Ice yells this Jeter and the rest of the team and shove A-rod out of the way and give him a brutal beating in the alleyway.  Laying on the ground, pain is all Ice can feel. He uses the rest of his energy to open his eyes and sees A-Rod staring down at him. Jeter is yelling at A-Rod.

"FUCKING HIT HIM YOU PUSSY!!!"

Alex just stares at Ice.

"KICK!!!" Matsui screams

Ice spits up some blood, "Alex, please, I'm just trying to get a piece for me and mine."

"ARE YOU SOME KIND OF QUEER??" Randy Johnson yells in A-rod's face.  A single tear rolls down Alex's face and then he kicks.  Fade to black.

When Ice comes to he is in the hospital and has numerous injuries. Coke Bref upon hearing of the beating turns the sexcopter around and comes straight to the hospital. He brings Ice this shit that the Vietnamese woman gave him – its some mind bending cream that you rub on your legs and all you do is hallucinate about being in Narnia. A good trip, and Ice forgets all his pain. After a couple of recovery days A-Rod decides to pay Ice a visit and brings him some flowers and candy.

"Ice, I just want to say I'm sorry. That comment about the Zombie really set the team off. I'm truly sorry."

"Get the fuck out of here" Ice tells him.  A-Rod is on the verge of crying.

"I shouldn't let those guys get to me like that." A-rod explains. "I didn't want to be involved in it."

"Your face makes me sick. Leave me in peace." Ice tells A-Rod before he falls asleep.

The next day Ice is ready to leave the hospital and the guys in The France are waiting outside to go on a celebration tour of Poland. Oh junk. Every show is sold out because the Poles love the France, so needless to say, The France is truly showing them the meaning of hammjammin'. During one of the afterparties Cokey B comes up with something truly out of this world – a flying pill. The guys were wondering why in the hell he was skipping like half of the afterparties on the tour, and it was because he had brought along his mobile lab and was laboring on a serious formula to make people fly like Jesus. So Coke shows up at this afterparty with a grin like a fuckin' demon – he says guys – take a pause. Next thing we know – we are flying above Warsaw hammjammin triple time. Nobody can catch us – so the next thing Cokey B drops on us is that he made a liquid form as well, which will help with things like KEGS! Darkness, Crog, and Bref swoop down to a beer store and pour a vile of this fly sauce over a keg. Shit. Thirty seconds later The France is having a beer jam about 20 feet above a lake! Awesome. In a moment of silent reflection Dark turns to the boys, "Guys, do you realize how this is going to affect the world of the party?" "Yeah." Coke tells him.

This pill “takes off” in Poland and spreads rapidly to the rest of the world, but Georgey Bush doesn't like it. He thinks it's some terrorist shit and bans Je Suis France from returning to the states. This is unacceptable for the dudes because Darkness needs to get back to his wife.  The France decides to hold a benefit concert for themselves in Poland. It is the biggest concert in Polish history. It is also the best concert in Polish history, however, halfway through the set a U.S. military jet bombs the generator. All the power is lost. People are beginning to riot and get out of control, so the France acts quick and grabs some acoustic guitars. Then, as Forever Dudes, they debut a new song, "California Will Always Rule". The crowd is speechless. The country is speechless. The NON AMERICAN WORLD ELECTS JE SUIS FRANCE AS THE PARTY AMBASSADORS! The next morning every headline says, "FOREVER DUDES DEFEAT U.S. MINDS"  The France are now global heroes, but their return to the states has now become even more difficult.

The dudes decide to capitalize on their immediate success and book a world tour. Dark clears 2 more weeks with his wife and plans on flying her out for the show on Mt. Vesuvius in Italy (after party in the pizza mines). The trip is a worldwind, no sleeping – sold out arena’s – countries changing their national anthems to “Runnin From Heaven”. Wild shit. In Asia, each country presented the boys with a gift, mostly cattle and shit like birds and shit, but in Laos the prime minister pulls Jeff aside and gives him a batch of the most potent Asian weed known to man. Jeff doesn't talk for the next week.  Just smiles. The Mt. Vesuvius show is a total jam. 1.5 mil, no sweat. Rocked em all.

Yes sir, things are going pretty sweet for the boys overseas, but little do they know that trouble is brewing back home in the states. As the boys are off partying, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is about to download "California Will Always Rule" from itunes to use in his upcoming re-election campaign.

"99 CENTS TO YOU, 100 MILLION DOLLARS TO ME! HAHAHAHAHALOLLOL" Arnold proclaims while sitting alone in his office.

The France are in Japan in the midst of the benefit / return to the states campaign tour when their soulmates, Still Flyin', in California send word about Arnold's dirty work. He has adopted their song to get himself re-elected, but he's actually planning on destroying California. Arnie and his vice-governor Sly Stallone have been secretly working on a device that would give them supreme control of California, an earthquake machine. After winning the elections they are planning on setting off the earthquake machine right along the San Andreas Fault causing California to breakaway and become an island. Once it's an island, Arnie will elect himself Supreme Leader of the land and take complete control of California.   Jackie Chan, who is Arnie's Ambassador of Unmentionables, finds out about his plans and informs Still Flyin'. Big Brah calls a very seriously emergency band meeting to come up with a plan to sneak The France back into the states. What takes place here is one of the most beautiful collective mind riffs that has ever taken place. A plan is made and the work begins immediately. Within 24 hours they have successfully constructed The Awesome Sub.

At their last show in Italy, the France keeps seeing this flashing coming from the crowd, like a reflector thing. The Lord gets out his binoculars which are attached to his sampler and looks directly at the light. It turns out it’s a man in a cloak holding up a metal sign that reads “Party Sub for ya’ll after the show by the water side” which is carefully etched into the silver platter. The Lord is like, "tight" and immediately after the show is over he tells the guys about The Awesome Sub. Everyone high fives and climbs on their horses (a gift from Thailand) and gallop through the crowd (completing the world record for high fives, suck it Tenacious D). By the water there is a fuckin gang of 17 strong all standing by the water wearing cloaks. The gang dismounts and is puzzled because where the fuck was the party sub and were they going to be in a fight? Was it the Skulls coming to get them all the way from stateside and put an end to these rebel rousers once and for all? Fuck Naw! The hooded clan pulls back their disguises and fuck, its Still Flyin’! Everyone hugs and high fives some more (added insurance) and right before Jeff could udder the word Party Su… up bubbling from the water is a disco ball and some lights which is attached to a fucking submarine – techno blasting. The Awesome Sub has arrived, and don’t worry there were plenty of party subs on the inside to eat – and also don’t worry – the shitty techno music stops once the sub sets off. Still Flyin' and The France jam all goddamn night on the trip from the Mediterranean, through the Suez Canal, down the Red Sea, out into the Indian Ocean, across the Pacific Ocean and into the Bay area. Probably the longest party to ever go on record as having existed.   The Awesome Sub lands on shore and the Dudes are so happy to be back on their soil again, back inside the boundaries of the country that currently hates them. When all of a sudden, FUCK SOME TANKS! Its Arnold! DAMN IT, he knew! He then challenges the France to a HONORABLE CAMPAIGN. Let's see who wins! He laughs and then rolls over Jackie Chan for disclosing his plans. Jackie is hurt and the camera flies into his face and he just rests his head against his hand in the sand and is like “oh well”! HAR.

Once inside America, The France / Forever Dudes start battling Arnold for Governor.   The campaign mostly consists of each side trying to outdo each other in a series of dueling concerts.  Schwarzy hires Soundgarden to reform to play "California Will Always Rule" and Je Suis France / Still Flyin' do an all-star jam of it every night.

It's grueling hard fought campaign, but election day finally rolls around. The polls are showing the Dudes ahead of Schwarzy in the gov. race, but Arnold's not prepared to lose to some punks.   He decides to bring in some big guns for one final dirty blow. He hires Derrick Jeter and his boyfriend Mariah Carey to show up to the France show, in a set of Nixon & Marilyn Monroe masks, and unplug our amps. What a dick, a bumbling dick.   Arnie waits until right before the end of the concert to give Jeter the go-ahead sign, but Jeter is backstage jerking off Mariah so he misses the signal. What is Arnie going to do, the France is about to finish the show and complete their jam??? He has to do it himself. He runs to the vantage point, pulls out his beretta and kills Jeter and Mariah. Then, he grabs the Nixon mask and just starts fucking running. Right in the middle of the crescendo of the Cali jam Crog catches a glimpse of Richard Nixon running at full speed towards the generator – "NOOOO!"

Then, out of nowhere, A-Rod flies in on a skateboard and kicks the shit out of the masked man right as he reaches for the plugs. The France & Flyin' stop mid jam and everyone is shocked. A-Rod leans down and pulls the mask off of the beaten character. It's Arnie! The crowd gasps.

"That's your third strike, Schwarzy. You're out." A-Rod says with his skateboard cocked back like a baseball bat. A-Rod then steps into his swing and knocks Arnie so hard he flies back 10 feet. "A-Rod, how did you know?" Sean asks. "While you guys were jamming Entertainment Tonight reported the election results and you guys won. I was just coming to congratulate you and I guess ol' lady luck just happened to be on my side today." The crowd erupts into a celebration upon hearing the election results. The crowd is ready to crown the boys governor, but the boys have something else in mind. They have decided to let California govern itself. Everyone is elected Statesmen Governor. The whole state explodes into a level three hammjamm.

Ice walks over and extends his hand to thank A-Rod. A-Rod reaches to shake hands, but then pulls Ice forward and hugs him. After the hug A-Rod turns to walk away, but Cokey B is standing there holding the bass out to him. "Your job ain't done yet."   Alex straps on the bass and the boys have an ultimate jam. The camera zooms out as New York Yankees Basketball Jerseys begin falling from the sky and onto the crowd. The camera tilts up towards the heavens as one gently falls over the lens and the people rejoice.

Blazers

2005-11-21T13:19:00.000-08:00

Blazers is a TV show based around a bar. The bar, Blazers, is known for its specialty shots and brews. These drinks are amazing on their own, but when you order one of these drinks the bar gives you a blazer to wear for the rest of the night. Thus, this bar has become a very popular place because of its fancy shots and fancy threads.
   
Some of the Blazers staff and regulars :

 
John Mark - Mortgage Financier / Telemarketer; at Blazers though, he is a lady-charming Real Estate Mogul. His classy looks and demeanor are usually too much for the ladies to resist, but of course, some can. Dwayne is his arch rival because of his frequent hook-ups with Rose.

 Rose - a mid-level sales exec. with a good sense of humor and a passion for the good times. She can pretty much do whatever she wants. She's not attached to anyone, but her and Dwayne have had some awesome sex before.

Danny - John Mark's best friend and unlike most of the people in the bar he actually is as successful as tells people. He is the operator of petmisphere.com, a website where people can find the right pets for them and meet other people’s pets (the perfect mix of e-harmony, friendster and pets.com). Not a smooth operator with the ladies.

Dwayne - punk rocker that works at a local pizzeria and is hated by every guy at Blazers. After work he puts on some nice clothes, gets a blazer and takes home the hottest lady in the bar.

Eileen - a waitress / bar hand at Blazers. She is as cool as they come and works there at night to pay the rent while she chases her dream of becoming a dancer. Every guy wants her, but she's not interested in relationships. Her dancing career is all that matters. 
 
Jan - bartender at Blazers. He came to the U.S. as an exchange student from Switzerland, but after his time in school was up he got married so he could stay. He's in love with Eileen.

 Richie - piano player / Blazers go-to entertainment guy

  Episode 1: “Crocodile Rock"

John Mark and Danny go to Blazers to drink their blues away. John Mark tells Danny that he is having some stress at work because he has to get someone to re-finance their home by tomorrow or it comes out of his paycheck. After a couple of rounds of shots and some fine Blazer wearing, Danny agrees to re-finance his home if John Mark can help him hook up tonight.

The boys see the mighty fine Rose sitting across the way at a table full of people. They join Rose who is sitting with three “Hampton Ladies” who are ready to party and Dwayne. The “Hampton Ladies” leave to go “powder their noses” and invite the boys. Danny’s never snorted any drugs so he’s hesitant, but John Mark gives him a nudge and he follows them to the ladies room.

Rose, John Mark and Dwayne keep on drinking. John Mark and Dwayne are trading bullshit stories trying to top each other, but Rose’s not interested. She’s turning the night into a drinking contest. Eileen, the waitress, is her friend, so she pulls her aside and asks her to start making the guys’ drinks stronger than hers. Eileen agrees and soon her and Jan, the bartender, are having a contest to see who can make the strongest drink without having it sent back. Instead of just serving them to the guys at Rose's table though, they are serving them to the whole bar.

Now that the whole bar is on the verge of total hammjamm, Richie, the piano player seems to be the only one semi-sober. He takes 15 to get a drink, so the Hampton ladies and Danny invite him to sugar-up his cookie with them. The bathroom party is a success and now the dance floor is white hot. Danny request “Crocodile Rock” and within seconds of the opening note the bar is now on the outer orbits of rage. All three of the girls are grinding on Danny and fighting for the most space. Richie gets completely lost in “Crocodile Rock”, so much so that he forgets how to play everything else and just keeps on playing “Crocodile Rock” non-stop.

John Mark and Dwayne are now three sheets to the wind and are now just talking over one another. The conversation is basically just loud chanting now, so Rose starts chanting, but they don’t notice. Eileen tells them she is going to stop serving them unless they stop chanting.

Eileen and Jan’s strongest drink contest is reaching its limit. Several fights have already broke out, but neither one is ready to give in.

“Crocodile Rock” is now halfway through its third run and the girls and Danny are still tearing it up. One of the ladies, however, is getting sick of the Croc. She says she's tired of dancing to “Crocodile Rock”, so Danny tells her that she doesn’t know a "by-goddamn thing about real kick ass music.” She slaps Danny and leaves. Two girls left. They continue dancing. Danny asks for more blow, but the girls are all out. Danny suggests they start asking around the bar, but one of the other girls says she knows where she can score some. She walks up to a guy at the nearest table and asks him for his blazer. He gives it to her and she puts it on as she heads away from the table. She fishes around in the pockets, finds his car keys and then leaves. One girl left. Danny and his last girl go to the bar to get a drink. He orders two drinks from Eileen and slams his as soon as she serves it to him. Two seconds later Danny is throwing up all over himself and the bar. He immediately starts wiping off the bar with his sleeve, so he doesn’t notice his last girl slowly slip into the night. Zero girls left.

Jan comes over and congratulates Eileen on her victory. She cheers Jan with her win, but feels bad for making Danny throw up and costing him his date. She leads him to the backroom to help him clean-up the blazer. A few minutes later Jan walks in to the backroom to grab some more ice and stumbles upon Eileen and Danny making out. Jan feels the pain.

The chanting at Rose, John Mark and Dwayne’s table has turned into a bunch of loud freestyle talking. Everyone is just riffing. Eileen is nowhere to be found so, John Mark has to go to the bar to get the next round. When John Mark leaves the table is completely silence and all that is heard is “Crocodile Rock”. Dwayne chugs the rest of his drink, slams down the empty glass and proclaims that he can’t take it anymore. He walks over to Richie and slugs him right in the midst of another “Crocodile Rock”. The bar erupts into a melee.

John Mark returns to the table with the round of drinks, but no one is there. He missed Dwayne hit Richie, so he has no idea why everyone is fighting, but doesn't care. Instead, he goes to the bathroom and walks in on Rose sitting inside a urinal having sex with Dwayne. John Mark is now also feeling the pain and reluctantly returns to the bar. He sips on a drink with Jan as Eileen helps Danny out to the parking lot. All is not lost since he’ll get a full paycheck tomorrow, but broken hearts are abound tonight at Blazers.

The Crypt Kicker Five

2005-10-13T19:24:00.000-07:00

This is movie will be a mixture of Bram Stoker's Dracula and Fleetwood Mac's Behind the music. It takes place in the distant future in a world where monsters, aliens and humans live amongst each other and will be filmed in the style of those hip-modern monster movies, like Dracula 2000 or Blade 3, where all the monsters have really scary faces, wear sleek modern clothes and go to underground raves to do drugs and listen to techno music. The monsters in this movie, however, are in a really awesome hard rock band. Their songs are kinda like Nine Inch Nails’ “Head Like A Hole” or something like that; except all of their songs rule and everyone in the world loves them.

Crypt Kicker Five Line-up:

Dracula - Lead guitar, vocals
Octavia, Queen Vampire - Vocals
Rain the Mummy - Keyboards, vocals
Eyegore the Igor - Bass
The Werewolf - Drums

The Werewolf and Rain the Mummy started the group, The Crypt Kickers, together. As soon as they started they cut a record and immediately started touring. Playing is what they loved to do more than anything else. They loved being on the road and the lifestyle that came with it. They quickly became pros on the road and their friendship was reaching new levels (Rain the Mummy is an asexual being and moves freely from one sex to the other, so obviously there were times when he and The Werewolf hooked up at the afterparty they were always more friends and bandmates lovers.) After a couple of years on the road though the band wasn't reaching the audience that The Werewolf and Rain had been dreaming of. They were in dire need of some hits. Luckily, the Crypt Kicker Five story doesn't end there. This is when destiny brought them together with Dracula and Octavia, Queen Vampire.

Dracula and Octavia were your typical symbol of young true love. The were each other’s first and only love and grew-up together, so almost everything they had experienced in life had been done with each other. They loved parties, had orgies together with piles of virgins and spent countless nights dining on fresh blood. Most of all though, they enjoyed playing music together. Dracula was a wiz on the guitar and wrote the most righteous riffs. His riffs were so righteous that most men would spend their entire lives without ever hearing a better one. Octavia’s lyrics were the perfect compliment to his riffs. Her long life being brought up as vampire royalty gave her the anger to make Dracula’s riff even more powerful and her womanly point of view gave the music some much needed emotion. One night at an afterparty Dracula and The Werewolf had a chance meeting, Dracula gave The Werewolf some of his and Octavia’s demos, The Werewolf loved them and thus Dracula and Octavia joined the band. The Crypt Kickers also decided to added Eyegore the Igor, who Rain had recently started-up a relationship with, on the bass to fill out the sound. Armed with a new line-up and a library of hits, they changed their name to the Crypt Kicker Five and cut a record.

Their first record as the Crypt Kicker Five was a hit. They had two top ten hits and began playing sold out shows all over United Colonies Alliance (aka: the land that used to be the United States). This new found fame had it’s riches and glories of course, but more importantly for the band, it had its dangers. For the first time in their long relationship Dracula and Octavia began fighting. Keep in mind though, they are monsters. They do not fight like a normal rock star couple would fight. These are building crumbling, mass amounts of innocent people dying fights. The first one occurs when Octavia walks in on Dracula having an orgy without inviting her. Octavia brutally murders the ten virgins in the room and then throws Dracula out their penthouse suite and into the traffic below. The cops are called and sidelines Dracula who then must wipe out all the cops trying to arrest him instead of continuing his fight with Octavia (cops and the law are not an issue with monsters). The Werewolf is too busy with his own debauchery to notice the on-going problems with Drac and Octavia and even Rain and Eyegore are cheating on each other. Halfway through the tour Drac and Octavia decide to break-up. It is very hard on both of them and becomes immediately apparent the rest of the band what has happened. Dracula spends hours after every show in orgies and going on killing sprees. The only sign that Octavia is still alive is the fact that she can still do blow. Octavia eventually begins to become herself again after one magically seductive night with Rain.

Things seem to be working themselves out until one night when Dracula walks in on Octavia sexing a pizza boy in the dressing room. Dracula has been cool about their break-up, but it doesn't ever truly hit home with him until he sees her with another. "The heart will always believe until the eyes prove it wrong" Dracula will sing one day. Consumed by jealously, Dracula flies into a blind rage and turns the pizza boy into a pool of bloody sauce. Drac's attack was so quick that before she can even react Dracula is gone and Octavia is left screaming with the liquefied remains of the pizza boy on top of her. The confrontation that follows is extremely hurtful, both physically and emotionally, for both parties. Dracula, however, deals the most painful blow when he debuts the new song he wrote about Octavia, “Lustface". It is his best one yet.

Rain is very understanding to Octavia’s situation. He is always trying to make her feel better by capturing young studs for her pleasure, but she has seem to lost her appetite for both food and sex. Then, one night while recording their new album, Dracula and Eyegore finish up their parts and decide to go slaughter a team of cheerleaders in a cow field (this scene is going to be fucked, only one cheerleader and one cow are left alive), so Octavia, Taylor and The Werewolf are alone in the studio. Drugs and potions are consumed in copious amounts and of course lead to an intense night of three-way love making. At one point The Werewolf pours a seduction potion over Octavia’s body and Rain the Mummy licks it up therefore making him under both The Werewolf and Octavia’s control. This act of wild passion inspires Octavia to write, “Sex Spell”, which her, The Werewolf and Rain record that night. It will end up being the last song on the Crypt Kicker Five's new album “Fairy Tales of the Night”.

The album becomes one of the biggest albums of all time. "Lustface" and "Sex Spell" shoot to the top of the charts where they battle and trade number 1 and 2 spots for months on end. They play hundreds of sold out shows and sell millions of records, but the relationships within the band continue to grow worse. Each night it is harder for Dracula and Octavia to hear each other's songs, The Werewolf's partying is starting to get in the way of his drumming and Rain's new found ways are beginning to drive Eyegore mad. Eyegore's love for Rain is a one sided affair now and his madness is also hurting his performance in the band. All it took was one night for everything to finally reach the boiling point with the group.

One night as the band pulled into town for a show Eyegore spied a group of young ladies standing on the side of the road. The vision touched his heart and made him viciously yearn for Rain. He immediately left to find the group of ladies and captured them. He soon realized that they were transvestites and that that was why he drawn to them. Struck hard by humiliation, Eyegore took the group up to the attic of a nearby rundown theater and tied them up where they would be held in his homemade torture prison, not just for the night, but for years to come.

With showtime quickly approaching Dracula went searching for Eyegore. As he opened Octavia's door though a familiar rage took over him. Inside, Octavia was hosting a werewolf orgy. Dracula begins slaying werewolves left and right until he falls to the ground as one of his legs is bitten in half. It is The Werewolf. Octavia without hesitation begins attacking Dracula and The Werewolf, but she is quickly pushed aside by Dracula, so that he may fight The Werewolf alone. Octavia leaves and Dracula and The Werewolf have the most intense monster fight that has ever taken place on this planet.

Several days later when the fight ends The Crypt Kicker Five break-up. Octavia builds a lavish castle where she lives alone and writes, Rain falls in love with an older lady and moves in with her, The Werewolf becomes a drummer for hire, Eyegore continues torturing his group of transvestites and after a couple of years of sleep, Dracula comes out with a solo record. Drac's solo record is well received, but sells no where close to "Fairy Tales of Night". It doesn't bother Drac because he likes the reviews more than the gold records, but one thing that does bother him is the massive chunk of his royalty percentage that the record company is now taking from him. He goes through all his Crypt Kicker Five royalty checks that have piled-up through his hibernation and sees that over the years the group's royalties have grown smaller and smaller and soon the record company will own complete rights to all of their music.

Dracula is pissed.

That night he shows up at Gnotic Record's Heaquarters L.A. to crash their late night executive cocktail party. The security guards' vocal chords are ripped out before they even see anything. The janitor is mopping up his own blood before he realizes that it's his own (sorry janitor, instincts). When Dracula reaches the party he flies through half of the people and turns them into corpses before most people can even take a sip. Something strange is going on though. After Dracula rages through the party there are still three record company executives standing. Dracula attacks and notices that they do not move like normal humans. They have the ability to move quickly and seemingly disappear for short periods of time. Eventually, Drac takes all three down, but not without a fight.

At home Dracula consults his library and learns that the record execs are actually Shadow People (Drac, of course, has the world's most extensive library featuring items that pre-date Christ to books on subjects that have yet to be discovered.) Shadow People are ghost-like beings except they are always dark and always mean. In recent times they have discovered that they could capture a person's body by standing directly in their shadow in pure daylight and using this method are trying to take over the world. Take it over one thing at a time. Dracula doesn't give a shit who is controlling the world because in recent years it has gone from humans to monsters to aliens, but when something is taking what is his...that's a different story.

Dracula calls up the band. He explains to each one what is going on and they are all ready to fight. Dracula, Octavia, Rain, Eyegore The Werewolf go from building to building exterminating all suspected Shadow People. The massive slaughter and almost complete destruction of an entire city is a sight which the world has not seen in many years. When the word gets out that the Crypt Kicker Five has sabotaged the Shadowpeople's plan to take over the world, the group is hailed as heroes. Reluctant to bask in the glory, but excited about working together again, they decide to play an one-off show.

From backstage the screams from the crowd is deafening. Everyone in the group is excited to be playing again and past wrongs are forgiven. They run up onto the stage though, and the stadium is empty. They stand bewildered for a second and then a sick empty feeling hits Dracula in the stomach. He looks out and sees a million green eyes staring back at him. It is an army of Shadow People (the army is going to be ghostly - CGI Lord of the Rings-style and the fighting is going to be ultra-violent) The Crypt Kicker Five doesn't stand a chance. The army tears the group apart quickly and leaves their bodies on stage. The camera pans over the bodies of the band members and then when it gets to Dracula's we notice that his hand is moving. The camera slowly zooms in as Dracula reaches up with his hand and turns on his amp.

Time to get the band back together.

To learn more about Shadow People, click here

Zombie Furniture

2005-09-28T07:25:00.000-07:00

Ted is sensitive. He makes cheap, quality, artistic furniture for the young and upwardly mobile. He is a zombie.

The Whale is a whale. He breathes oxygen, but lives in the water. Without either, he’d die. Whereas the white-man only wants him for his fat and oil, the Eskimo makes use of his entire body.

And then the Nazis come.

Hammer Throw - Or Find So Jawbone

2005-09-15T07:25:00.000-07:00

This dude is a log roller.
A 258 lb. mountain of muscle that fucking thrashes his way through the competition when demolishing the log rolling field at ESPN's seasonal "Outdoor Games". His coach is pissed at him though because, similar to the strong man contest, these Outdoor Games require you being adept at several aspects of wood lambasting to be king lord. However, after summers spent in eastern Oregon moving logs for the paper manufacturing plant, Splinter In My Hind Paper Co., this dude really only learned how to master three things:
1) Fuckin' hot chicks in the woods on his break
2) Ripping the top off a beer can &
3) Log Rolling
So he had some work to do, obviously.
Here is where the story flips.
The audience thinks this is a movie following this dude's plight through the damaging world of tournament play, but actually they are wrong. This is a storkumentary. It's a story documentary about storks. See, this dude fucking loves storks. He has whittled about thousands of little stork figurines that he decorates his house with, has posters, the whole nine. After coming in first in the log rolling comp, this dude lost every other event of the comp. His shit was through. So while wondering in the woods trying to avoid the others, crying, contemplating his missed axe throw that severed a child's arm - he met a magical stork.

Supreme Pizza

2005-08-15T15:44:00.000-07:00

Many moons ago Darkness, Rippy and I sat around and talked about two of our favorite things; the Supreme Court and Pizza.

The movie opens as the camera makes a slow pan across the bedroom passing some tennis shoes, pants, high heels, a pizza store hat and pizza delivery bag. The camera then makes its way up to the bed and over a couple of pairs of feet. One man's and two women's. The man starts to wake-up as the camera slowly moves towards his head. When the camera finally reaches the man's face his eyes light up and he sits-up straight in the bed. He screams when puts his hand to his head and realizes that he is wearing a white judicial wig.

Cut to:

A shot of the Washington Monument with the sound of a guitar wailing on one note loud and hard. When the guitar reaches its pinnacle there is the sound of glass exploding and then "Supreme Pizza" is spray-painted in hot pink on the Washington Monument. Thus begins our pizza boy's historical adventure....

Our pizza boy, Doug, reaches his hand into his pocket and pulls out a napkin which reads,

"Dear President Robinson, I, Supreme Court Justice Hasgard Norman, hear-by handover my appointment to Doug the Pizza Guy. Thanks in Advance, Hasgard."

Upon reading the napkin the memories coming flooding back to Doug. The pizza that he delivered that faithful night was to Supreme Court Justice Hasgard Norman. Justice Norman was in the midst of having one of the most righteous parties that the nation's capital has ever seen. Girls, goats, blow, pizza, pills, panties, everything that makes a party excellent was there in abundance and Justice Norman was having the time of his life, so much so that he didn't ever want it to end. When our pizza hero arrived at Justice Norman's door he was, of course, invited to join in on the festivities. Over the course of the night Justice Norman finds his true love, the beautifully exotic, Lizza. They announce they are moving to Jamaica and it is agreed upon that Justice Norman will hand over his Supreme Court Appointment to Doug. Justice Norman shows Doug the secret handshake and then they toast their slices of pizza to seal the deal. Justice Norman and his lady take off.

Having put the night back together, Doug throws the wig away and leaves Justice Norman's place knowing he has probably just attended the best party he will ever go to in his life. He does not realize, however, that there one was important person at the party who he did not get to meet. It was Johnny Greson, the mega-owner of Ultimate Shoppe USA, who dipped out early. Greson has been working on greasing up everyone in Washington for years. His stores have made him one the richest men in the world and the ability to buy any powers that money hasn't already allotted to him. All of this money and power has changed him. He has grown use to having his way, so much so that when he can't get it he physically gets sick and sick men aren't rich when they're sick. Greson knows that everybody has their price and it doesn't take long in Washington to make a "soul sell". The Senate has been in his pocket since he opened his very first store and by now know that every law they pass in his favor will earn them big rewards (like when they passed the law allowing Greson to build stores on ancient Indian burial grounds and Greson paid the Brazilian Women's Soccer team to blow all the Senators that voted for him on his private yacht while the New York Philharmonic played the music from "CATS"). The President's cabinet, the local governments and now most of the Supreme Court Justices are on Greson's payroll. Everyone except the President.

President Miles Robinson is a good honest man. The first president in a long time that everyone in America was proud to call their own. President Robinson, however, is Johnny Greson's number one enemy. Ever since Greson tore down President Robinson's parent's house, Robinson has been a strong fighter against big business. Sadly, he is alone in this fight and everytime he makes a stand against the Senate on the issue he loses ground on every other important cause. President Robinson is no idiot though. He knows what is happening, so when Doug shows up with the napkin contract from Justice Norman President Robinson decides to go along with it. The Prez briefs Doug on what is happening and offers him a job as the Chief Presidential Spy. Doug, still nursing a murderous hangover, tells the President that all this is too much for him too handle. He tells the President "thanks, but no thanks," he's happy being a pizza delivery guy and thought of writing long decisions for the court "doesn't sound too cool."

Ready to chill out after a long day Doug heads over to his girlfriend's house to score some weed, but when he shows up his girlfriend is being hauled off to jail. Busted by the local government. Doug doesn't have the money for her bail, so he goes to the pizza joint where he works, Supreme Pizza, to get fronted his next paycheck. When he arrives at Supreme Pizza his boss, Lani, a powerful minded woman in love with small kitchen operations, is getting drunk. Lani informs Doug that the store has been bought by the government to make room for a new Ultimate Shoppe USA, the store will be closing down soon. This news hits too close to home for Doug. He immediately goes back to the white house in his spy attire, delivery uniform, and tells the Secret Service he has a "Supreme Pizza with extra sauce for the President."

Supreme Court Justice by day, Pizza Boy Spy by night, Doug is getting deeper and deeper into the wheelings and dealings of Greson, The Senate and how many of the Justices have been bought off. Doug de-briefs the President everynight by slipping his notes under a pizza. Gaining evidence is easy because the pizza not the delivery boy gets the attention everytime he enters a room. After only a week on the job Doug finds out what Greson's big plan truly is...tearing down the White House to build an Ultimate Shoppe USA. At first President Robinson doesn't believe there is any way that this could happen, but Doug assures him that Greson is rewarding everyone involved for their help in burying the clause deep inside another bill. The Prez has to see first hand, so he disguises himself as a pizza boy too and joins Doug for an after hours party that is being held at the National Archives. Doug and the Prez deliver a truck load of Za and witness Greson, the Vice President, The prez's cabinet, the Senate and some of the Justices partying and talking about how rich they are going to be once an Ultimate Shoppe USA is built in Washington. President Robinson is crushed, he pulls his hat down over his eyes and leaves.

Doug returns to work and there is an order waiting for him, a supreme pizza with extra sauce that is to be delivered to the Washington Monument. Prez Robinson is waiting for him and tells Doug he's got a plan. Doug needs to get Lani at Supreme Pizza to reject the buy-out and take Greson to court. The Prez believes that with Doug's help as Justice, the Supreme Court will be their only chance to save the White House. Doug de-briefs Lani. She agrees and begins fighting the buy-out. Of course as soon as the court battles begin, Greson starts playing dirty. He hires some goons to break into Supreme Pizza and break everything. Then, when Doug goes to try and bail out his girlfriend her bail has mysteriously been doubled. Lani, however, isn't ready to give up yet. They begin having street pizza parties and soon the parties are the talk of the town. Meanwhile, Doug and the Prez are racing against Greson to keep the Justices pure. The Justices are all good people at heart, and the ones that did accept Greson's favors did so out of boredom. Most of them are lonely and just want to be included in all the parties, except for the one horny lady Justice that wants to bang Doug. So, Doug begins hanging out with some of the Justices. They play racquetball, do nude paintings of each other, watch Jeopardy together and garden. They teach him about the law and the court and he gives them tips in hanging.

Supreme Pizza's new street operation has been booming. They have made enough money to bail Doug's Girlfriend out of jail and are close to re-opening the store. Things have also begun to heat up romantically between the Prez and Lani. The case of Supreme Pizza vs. Ultimate Shoppe USA finally makes it to the Supreme Court. The only problem is Greson is able to bribe one last Justice before the case (he slept with the Horny Justice that Doug wouldn't sleep with). Now, instead of having the majority, they are split and it will be up to Doug to write the decision. Doug writes a couple of drafts about how hurtful Ultimate Shoppe USA is to America, but tears up his first two drafts. After a couple of hours he comes out ready to deliver his decision. He has been pondering over the stories of George Washington that he has been reading at the Washington Monument waiting for the President everynight. He describes to the courtroom how the work of one man has become the legacy of this country. Doug talks of those who have been hurt by too powerful a government, corporations and the negativeness of Eminent Domain. He mentions the stories of the President's Parents and Supreme Pizza and soon there is not a dry eye in the house. Doug has just delivered the most righteous decision in Supreme Court history.

Afterwards, there is an afterparty at Supreme Pizza and President Robinson declares Supreme Pizza a national historical site. The plaque is unveiled and President Robinson gives Lani a kiss. Then, to everyone's surprise a Fed-Ex guy arrives with a huge package from Jamaica. It is from Justice Norman, he heard about the case in Jamaica and sent a case of Mangos as a gift. Lani throws some on a pizza and invents Mango Chicken Pizza, which is destined to take the country by storm and make Supreme Pizza the biggest pizza chain in the world.

Ghost Farm Vol. 1

2005-08-08T02:03:00.000-07:00

In the distant past (possibly the distant future???)...far away in the country, 2 industrious para-scientists and shrewd businessmen have teamed up to develop a way to breed, and eventually farm, ghosts. The ghosts are "harvested" and sold into slavery...like our modern CD players, the ghost slaves (slave ghosts?) originally cost a lot of money, but as the technology progresses and cost to produce becomes cheaper, the free market drives down the cost until what was once a luxury item becomes a common household item. Everyone has one. Some people have 3 CD players in their house and 1 in the car, and some people also have ghost chauffers, ghost cooks, butlers, etc. Sort of like how in robot movies, everybody has robots. But...ghosts.

Of course, this takes a huge chunk out of the service industry as ghosts are much cheaper than people.

Though both heads of the Ghost Farm become wealthy and powerful, over the years they have grown apart in their beliefs about the Ghost Farm. The ethics of ghost farming. For example, the ghost-breeding technique has been patented and licensed to other factories (again, possibly in the distant past or future)...and also, the, ghosts have gradually been bred to be unstable...after a while the ghosts dissipate and you have to buy a new ghost. Planned obsolescence. Within the constraints of their mutual-held patent, the former friends are at war.

Meanwhile, a long-dormant volcano threatens to destroy the countryside...COULD THEY BE RELATED??

Death Book

2005-07-06T08:24:00.000-07:00

An idea that came to me falling asleep last night:

We would promote the fuck out of this movie with really ambiguous advertising. Black screen - Blood screams, books slamming shut, knife sounds. Never have a trailer that shows any actual footage from the movie. Billboards througout major cities all black with blood red letter spelling out "REQUIRED SUMMER READING" or "DEATH BOOK - WANNA DO SOME READING, CAN YOU READ?" or "WANNA READ HOW YOU DIE, KID?" Even pull some stunts on some morning shows or something to increase the hype - like drop a thick ass book from the top of the NBC studios directly into the middle of the shot with Katie and Matt. Then they will get scared and be like "wha, where in the hell did that come from, security!?" then the camera pans down to a black ass book with blood spilling from the edges...then the wind picks up and opens to the first page that reads DEATH BOOK scrawled in blood.
Very cryptic, very puzzling.

Then have the movie be about these three dudes and their day leading up to seeing Nirvana for the first time back in '93. Except the dudes are a whale, a bmx amateur, and a giraffe with a brown mohawk. Its a situational comedy.

PUMPKINHEAD III: Part 2 of 2

2005-07-05T14:57:00.000-07:00

...It's a nice quiet evening at Betty's house. She is relaxing in her favorite T-shirt cutting out a pizza coupon and waiting for dinner to arrive while Brett is sitting at the computer. He is googling the latest wind currents when all of a sudden Pumpkinhead III smashes through the window. Before Brett can even leave the computer, he notices his guts all over the keyboard. PHIII begins rushing full force toward Betty. He smashes the aquarium she is standing in front of and it explodes all over them. Betty bolts out the door. She reaches the end of the driveway and notices a car driving slowly towards her. It's Cal, the delivery guy. Betty jumps in the car. "WHOA LADY!" yells Cal. "DRIVE! HE'S COMING!" she screams. Before Cal can even ask who, Pumpkinhead III jumps on the hood of the car. Cal slams on the gas and peels out of the neighborhood leaving Pumpkinhead III in his dust. PHIII reaches down on the ground and picks up a pizza hut coupon.

"What the fuck was that?" asks Cal.
"I don't know, but I need to find out. Take me to the Internet." says Betty.
"Ok, but I have to go back to the store first and close out."
"No, there's no time. We're going to die if we waste another second."
"Oh God, Patty's going to smoke my nuts."

The inside of the Pizza Hut is deadly quiet except for the faint sound of "Trenchtown Rock" coming from the freezer. Patty is in the freezer riding the Sisco delivery guy when she hears the front door chime. "It's about goddamn time that motherfucker made it back," Patty says in-between pulls from her spliff. (We now have a point-of-view shot of someone walking through the store) The camera stops in front of one of the pizzas and lovingly examines it before a yell from the freezer interrupts its concentration. "START DOING THE DISHES DOUCHEBAG. I AIN'T GOING TO PAY YOU TO SIT AROUND AND WHACK OFF ALL NIGHT." The camera begins moving towards the freezer. The freezer door slowly opens and Patty is smoking and fucking the Sisco delivery guy. "We're Closed...Who the fuck are you?", Patty hollers as the freezer door opens and she sees Pumpkinhead III standing there. She picks up one of the pepperoni rolls on the floor and throws it at him. Pumpkinhead III catches it, eats it and then slaughters Patty and the delivery guy.

Meanwhile, Betty and Cal are at a nearby Internet cafe. Cal googles pumpkin-head and a bunch of smashing pumpkins fan sites come up. "NO, Let me do it. You have to put Pumpkinhead in quotes." Betty googles pumpkinhead and finds some sites about the pumpkinhead demons. She learns that this is Pumpkinhead III and also finds out information about his hiding places, strengths and weaknesses. They learn that past pumpkinheads usual hide out in abandon warehouses, so Betty pulls up a list of nearby warehouses. At first Cal doesn't want to go looking for Pumpkinhead III, but he doesn't want to puss out on Betty. His dick knows what's right, so he decides to tag along.

They arrive at the third warehouse on their list and notice some empty pizza boxes on the floor. Pumpkinhead III is passed out on a box which has been set-up as a makeshift desk. He has been googling some cool shit on the computer, computer stolen from Rudy, and drinking cough syrup that he took from a pharmacy. The cough syrup is causing him to have crazy dreams, like the google logo jumping off the screen and crap like that, so he doesn't think that it is weird when he awakens and sees Betty laying on an old mattress set-up next to the toilet. Pumpkinhead III, still woozy from the cough syrup, gets up and walks over to Betty. She signals him to sit down by her, but her aggressiveness frightens him. He decides to sit on the toilet next to the bed. Betty slowly leans closer to Pumpkinhead III, but before she can get too close Cal runs out from behind the bedroom wall. Cal pulls out a knife and cuts Pumpkinhead III wide open, right through the middle of his body. Pumpkinhead III's guts fall into the toilet and Cal flushes them, along with the rest of PHIII's body.

"You did it," Betty shouts as she throws her arms around Cal.
"Alright! Pumpkinhead III is dead." They relax. "You wanna smoke this joint?", Cal asks as he reaches for the lighter in his pocket.

Cut to:

A neighborhood street at night. It is halloween. The sidewalks are filled with kids trick or treating. All of sudden the manhole cover in the middle of the street explodes and a huge stream of blood goes flying into the sky. Everyone stands frozen for a second and then looks up and sees a demon with a pumpkin for a head flying in the night. Pumpkinhead III lets out a blood curdling scream and then begins a nosedive straight to the street. PHIII is spitting fire everywhere and everyone begins running all over the place. Pumpkinhead III's rampage has begun. In just a couple of minutes the street is littered with bodies, empty candy wrappers and blood. Pumpkinhead III is satisfying his every pleasure and it seems that there is no end in sight.

Betty takes a slow pull from the joint and then gently exhales. "I thought for sure he was going to kill me." Cal takes the joint from her, "He would have had to kill me first." He leans in and is about to kiss her when her cellphone starts ringing. It's the cameraman from her station. He is standing outside the news van in the midst of the rampage.

"BETTY, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? I'M IN THE LAKEVIEW NEIGHBORHOOD AND IT LOOKS LIKE GOD HAS PUKED DEAD PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WHOLE WORLD. SOME KIND OF FLYING FREAK IS KILLING EVERYTHING. GET DOWN HERE NOW BEFORE YOU MISS THE BIGGEST STORY OF YOUR LIFE."

Betty hangs up the phone, "We gotta go." Cal offers Betty the keys to his car. She grabs the keys out of his hand, the joint out of his mouth and then runs out the door. Cal reluctantly runs after her.

They arrive at the scene of Pumpkinhead III's massacre; Cal steps out the car and immediately starts throwing up. Betty begins talking to the cameraman about what has been happening, but is interrupted when PHIII comes swooping in. Pumpkinhead III annihilates the cameraman and then knocks Cal to the ground. After a short fight Cal pins PHIII to the ground. He is ready to cut PHIII's head off with his knife, but is suddenly kicked to the ground. It is the brother of the kid whose death was avenged by Pumpkinhead I. The brother explains that he is here to help Pumpkinhead III because PHIII's grandfather avenged his brother's death. The brother pistol-whips Cal, knocking him out. Betty jumps on the brother's back and gets thrown to the ground. PHIII flys into the sky and the brother aims his gun at Betty and Cal. Betty says some shit about how PHIII is a demon without a heart, but the brother is crying that his family owes it to PHIII.

Then...this kid on a bike, just like his brother in part one, rides by holding a trick or treat bag. The brother turns and watches him ride by, but PHIII comes swooping down. He takes the kid's candy bag, throwing him off the bike and causing him to hit the street hard and die. The brother runs over and picks up the kid's lifeless body, "NOOOOOO!, COME HERE YOU DEMON BASTARD! I'VE GOT SOME CANDY FOR YOU!" PHIII comes swooping down AGAIN. He torches a big circle of fire around the news van, the brother, Betty, and Cal (still knocked-the-fuck-out). PHIII and the brother fight, but the brother dies quickly and gruesomely. During the fight, Betty gets a bottle of hairspray out of her vanity bag in the news van. She runs up behind PHIII and when he turns around she throws the bottle of hairspray at him. It goes right into his mouth and exactly one second later his fucking head EXPLODES! The explosion wakes Cal up. Betty grabs his body and pulls him out of the circle of fire right before the van explodes.

PUMPKINHEAD III: part 1 of 2

2005-06-27T08:18:00.000-07:00

we find it hard to believe that they haven't decided to make
pumkinhead iii out in hollywood, so here's the treatment:

The Pumpkinhead is a soulless monster from the Netherworld that is conjured up with a evil magic spell by people looking for revenge on their adversaries. He's been around since the age of the dinosaur. In the original Pumpkinhead, a distraught father asked an old witch to conjure up Pumkinhead to wreak revenge on the drunk teens who ran over his kid with a dirtbike. Revenge was wrought. I don't know what happened in Pumkinhead II because I haven't seen it yet, but suffice it to say there's some sort of revenge plot going on. In Pumkinhead III, the evil beast is brought back to earth from the far reaches of Hell for another damned mission spawned by one of the most powerful emotions of all - Love .

Rudy Williams is a producer at a local news channel - Power News 12. Rudy's worked there for 10 years now and it was Rudy himself who gave anchorwoman Betty Windsock, now a local news starlet in her own right, her start in the biz. Rudy always had strong sensual feelings for Betty ever since he hired her, but she would have nothing to do with him and instead was riding the jock of resident weatherguy Brett Caliper. This is where the Pumpkinhead monster comes in. Scorned lover Rudy Williams conjures up the Pumpkinhead to slaughter Brett Caliper in order to get him out of the romantic picture so to speak and to make way for Rudy's lustful desires towards the heavenly Betty.

That was his first mistake.

As soon as Rudy casts the Pumkinhead spell, there's a huge thunderclap and ominous lightning begins striking all around the news station. Pumkinhead appears out of the ether and is, quite literally, beast with a pumpkin for a head, long claws, and rippling muscles to boot. Pumpkinhead sets to work right away ripping Rudy in half straight down the middle. There's no hope for his unrequited love now. Pumkinhead tears a photograph of Betty off the wall and lumbers out the door as the camera lingers on the blood, intestines, and black guts of our doomed hero, Rudy. The camera zooms and slowly dissolves from the slippery viscera to some PIZZA SAUCE being slathered all over a pizza down at everyone's favorite restaurant THE PIZZA HUT.

Cal Phelps, pizza boy, is busy making the pizzas for the legendary Hallow's Eve Pizza Hut rush. He's pissed because he usually takes care of the deliveries in his Izuzu pup pickup truck, but tonight he's pulling double duty because the dude who normally makes the 'za is nowhere to be found. Cal heads to the walk-in freezer to get a jug of pepperoncini, but when nears the door he hears the Bob Marley song "Three Little Birds" coming from inside. He opens the freezer to find
his co-worker screwing the rastafarian PIZZA HUT manager, Patty. Patty is as mean as a snake and just as stoned. She's always got a fatty spliff hanging on her lip and an oversized tiedyed t-shirt with one of those afghan hats cocked sideways on her dreads. "Deliver that 'za, motherfucker!" Patty grunts as a giant link of pepperoni falls from the ceiling and lands *splat* on the floor in a conspicuous way. Cal slams the freezer door behind him as he grabs his deliveries from the warming area and heads for the truck.

TO BE CONTINUED

Intern Dormitory

2005-06-19T06:24:00.000-07:00

"I'm just a lowly janitor here at the Intern Dormitory and boy am I bored on this Saturday night. -but wait! What's that ruckus coming from upstairs?..."

this is what it's like at the Intern Dormitory:

unsafe for work

Ass Tank

2005-06-17T11:00:00.000-07:00

The story revolves around this small little bar-b-que joint that is in the desert in New Mexico. Its fucking good meat. This place actually kicks the shit out of all that "high-falutin" Texas bbq. I hate how Texas always brags about how their pulled pork can shit on your pulled pork and still make it taste better. Fuck Texas, their reign is done. Needless to say this bbq shack is not for the weary. They are famous because they invented SCALDING BBQ. Sent 3 customers to the hospital with charred colons back in the summer of ‘91 (Lanny still thinks this was his best batch). This type of BBQ has hot peppers, pablano peppers, steak peppers, habanero peppers, shark peppers, nail peppers, axe peppers, butt blast peppers, payote peppers, pretty much any kinda melt your face off kinda kick.

They add it to a special sandwich called the "Ass Tank" which includes:

Hash (the meat), gravy, peppers (see above), pepsi, slaw, relish, onion rings, ground beef, crickets, eggs, Italian ham, philly connection, grass, papaya juice, clear gravy, gun powder, whale meat, and pig lips. They mix all of this together into one "patty" if you will and serve it on New Mexico Toast - which is two dried leaves.

Now this is their famous sandwich, which locals (not that there are many) will drive for hours to eat on weekends. People driving through though, usually don't have the stomach for something like this and cant get through 1/3 of the beast before they are "Dixie Trailin'" it to the bathroom. Novices.

Well the story starts out on a normal day at "The Cabinet"(name of the joint). Lanny the owner is getting his bbq ready for the day after the pig slaughter the night before. 11:45am the bell on the front door jangles as the first customers of the day stroll through. Little to his knowledge, it's the Foo Fighters. They are in town for their 2005 World Tour Kick off in Roswell, NM which is right down the road a hundred miles. They had the morning off before their show and the mexican masseuse from their hotel had recommenced this place for a unforgettable meal. They had borrowed the van from their roadies and found some mushrooms in the glove compartment during their drive. They all popped the rest of the bag. By the time they got to The Cabinet, shit was swirlin.

"We'll be with ya in a moment, boys" Lanny hollered from behind the counter as he finished up brewin' the sweet ass tea. "Just gotta finish up the extinguisher! HAHA!"

Three of the Foo's ordered the "Ass Tank" and their drummer ordered a "Lets Hash It Out, Dear" - corned beef hash with gravy and a bowl of cactus juice for dipping.

The story takes off from here because while they are eating - the Foo's (and Lanny) hear a rumbling coming from down the road far in the distance. Like a stampede of cattle coming to save their brethren from these asshole rock stars scarfing em' down. Well, instead of cattle it was a gang of gays. Gay men in the most stunning leather chaps you had seen since this side of a Judas Priest reunion. Acutally all 5 original members of Judas Priest were in this gang. The gang of 45-60 park their bikes and just start shooting these shotguns into the air, all the while chanting "POO POO ON FOO" and "EVERLONG DICKDONG"and snapping. Somehow the two phrases perfectly intertwined with each other into this hypnotic trance. They take off their chaps and all of them are wearing some sort of spandex. Lanny was gone, he split about 5 minutes before realizing the Gay Gang was back. He almost paid with his life last time they were in town.

Dave Grohl is confused as shit, he had never seen these guys before but it seemed as if they knew him and his band of merry jokesters. Before he could gather his thoughts on the situation and take his eyes off the beautiful boys outside, he looked back to his table to realize the chant had enraptured his band mates - they are walking like zombies out the front door of The Cabinet. He tried to stop them, singing lyrics to their songs to try and snap them out of it but they were in the zone, man. Soon they were already outside. Within 4 steps of the exterior of the rib shack, the gay dudes execute the 3 members of the Foo Fighters in a bizzare display of marksmanship spelling out "Don't Fuck With The Fags" scrawled out in buckshot across the dead bodies. These effervescent males werent to be crossed. Grohl, devastated, slumps down behind the door as he locks it. His bandmates, his friends, fucking dead - and none the less slaughtered by a gaggle of pink purses!

What we have now is a regular New Mexican Standoff. Grohl had to survive the fag bash. All he had to work with was what was left behind by Lanny, the cook. He barricades the doors with a bunch of the booths and his mind is racing with how he can defend himself and get back to Roswell alive...all of a sudden - IT HITS HIM!

THE ASS TANK THAT IS! He has to shit worse than EVER! We are talking vomiting out of your butthole shit, we are talking your gall bladder sounds like a biplane shit, we are talking already a little dribble squirted shit! He dances his way across the restaurant and makes it to the commode just in time for World War III - as he is blasting it loose - gripping the sides of the toilet praying for mercy, the Gay Gang outside had decided to shoot up the place! (Shots going back and forth b/w Grohl screaming while shitting and the gay dudes totally blasting the front of this place up with their massive pulsating guns.) Glass is shattering and asses are splattering. After both parties have a bout that lasts a good 3 minutes - there is pretty much nothing left. Nothing left in Grohl's colon, and nothing left of the bbq joint. The store is completely demolished - they had razed everything.

Grohl realized something. His shit, and the ASS TANK had saved him from certain peril. Grohl cleaned up quietly and listened for the gang's next move. 5 of the homosexual men come walking in to through the now, frontless restaurant, glass cracking under their bitchin leather boots. They head for the kitchen, where they raid the cooler of all the wine coolers - throw em in a bucket with ice and head back out the front door for a celebration party. Grohl hides out dormant in the bathroom. He overhears the gay dudes celebrating the fact that they had killed their main objective. DAVID GROHL. They went on to give the background of the grudge, in one of their video's Grohl and his bandmates mocked gay people in a fake Mentos commercial and also dressed as women in another. Then proceeded ti make fun of cross dressing in a interview!

"Fuck This" Grohl says to himself. He quickly devises his plan. He knew immediately that he had to somehow get out of this bathroom. He checked around the bathroom looking for an escape plan and quickly remembered the pipes he had seen earlier (he had noticed too much, at that time was only concerned with clearing his bowels). He soon found himself scaling the wall using the pipes as a latter. He noticed one specifically - "To Septic Tank". He reaches the ceiling and stealthily climbed into the ceiling tiles and made his way through the bar joists towards the kitchen area.

Outside the twinks are enjoying some Bartles and James assuming Grohl The Growl was dead as the pigs out back.

[Camera shots of Grohl assembling some sort of cart using all the equipment in the kitchen - glancing outside to ensure the Gay Gang didnt see him]

[Next shot we find Dave working out at the entrance to the septic tank - attaching a long hose to the spout]

Back to the interior of the kitchen where Grohl is thinking to himself - "this better work D, or your ass is grass in more ways than one!" He walks over to the jukebox - slides in a quarter...

Finally back out to the party ensuing outside where the gang is getting tipsy off the many downed coolers. Next thing they know - EVERLONG comes blasting from the front of the restaurant. A collective "HUH" was heard. Slamming through the debris squatting atop a gleaming carriage of kitchen panneling comes DAVE GROHL with a massive hose cocked and ready under his arm. It was the ASS TANK! He had converted two hand trucks and the meat delivery cart into a shit spraying death dealer. Cause really what would that gang hate more than stinky and dirty shit? Before the dudes could make it to their guns, Grohl was pumping gallons upon gallons of feces upon the truly flabbergasted fanny boys. Slipping and sliding, it was something straight out of a three stooges episode. After all the twinks were flailing on the ground and crying, Grohl runs around and collects all the shotguns. SHOOTS EVERY LAST ONE OF THE MEN WHO TRIED TO TAKE HIS OWN LIFE....ALL EXCEPT FIVE.

He quietly walks over to the remaining roughneck randy boys and offers them respite from the death gun! The five were none other than the original members of Judas Priest. They hop in the van and 2 hours later are rocking the fuck out of the crowd who had been patiently waiting for the Foo Fighters to kick their asses loose. Showered, Clean, and rocking once again, the boys from Judas Priest realized just how lucky they were that day to escape with their own will. Grohl was front and center just grinnin' like a little fucker...

The tour has started, MAN!

Trapped in the Closet (part 5 Remix)

2005-06-12T12:56:00.000-07:00

I attended a "Trapped in the Closet" marathon the other night with Jay Domingo and numerous other good folks when Jay had the good idea of everyone coming up with their own version of what should have happened in part 5. I said "Hey, good idea", so here's my remix:

(for those not with it, part 4 ends when R. Kelly turns down his girl's bed covers and finds a rubber)

R.Kelly kicks the rubber off the bed and tells his girl to begin talking quick. She tries to explain what's been going on, but R. knows.

"Shut yourrrrr mouth. You got nothing to explainnnnn"

R. walks over to the closet and who does he find...Muthafucking JAY-Z! As soon as he opens the door Jay starts rapping. Jay drops a hot verse that brings R. to his knees. R. is singing:

"I thought we was friendsss to the endzz.
How could you do this to me
with my beautiful lady?"

Oh, but Jay-Z is still rapping. He tells R. that he isn't done and he's got another surprise. Jay-Z opens the door to the bathroom and Snoop Dogg emerges from the smoked-out bathroom wearing nothing but a towel and rapping like crazy.

Kells is still singing, but confused now

"Snoop you too? But there was only one rubber."

Snoop raps

"Fuck that, I ain't no sucker
just a real muthafucka
that never wears a rubber"

R.Kells is floored. He's singing to his girl, "Whyyyy, Girlllll? Whyyyy you gotta double team behind my back with Jigga and Snooooop?" Her ass is passed the fuck out though, so she's not singing.

R. goes downstairs and calls the cops on his trusty cell phone. "Help! Cops, some fools broke into my house and they are smoking marijuana upstairs. Please come arrest them!" The cops show up and to R.'s surprise it's the same cop who pulled him over in part 4 with his partner, Chuck, Rufus's gay lover.

The cops decide that they can't arrest Snoop for pot, so they just start partying. Everybody wants Kells to party too. Jay-Z extends the olive branch; "Kells take a hit of this shit / Let's learn to forgive and forget" Mr. Kelly accepts, but doesn't know it is really PCP. He starts fucking zooming. Crazy fucking zooming. "Trapped in the Closet" goes directly into an all out psychedelic jam version of "I Believe I Can Fly" complete with a 5 minute guitar solo from "Dark Star" played by R. Kelly on the piano.

Genetic Barn

2005-06-12T12:01:00.000-07:00

Animals (and the ghosts of animals) mutated in laboratory experiments haunt and kill the sorority girls occupying their old barn.

Lots of hot girls and mutated animal gore.

The Best Little White House in Washington

2005-06-05T10:38:00.000-07:00

A sexy romantic comedy from Scarnsworth and myself

The story of Bob Sanders, a big time news anchor who could have any woman he wants, but his heart longs for only one...the first lady. As you know, the first lady is not an easy woman to woo, but Bob can tell that she is disinterested in her husband and is yearning for love. He sets out to court her, but his advances fail to make an impression on her. Around this time Bob begins to take notice of two young lads at the station who have all the female employees in an uproar. He hires these two as his personal assistants in helping him in his goal to make the first lady his.

The assistants begin styling Bob and giving him some tips. They set him up on warm-up dates with some high profile women, one of which is the secretary of state who falls madly in love with him, and soon his romantic life is on fire. While Bob is working on his game and his pursuit of the first lady, our two young professionals came upon their first big story. Over the past couple of weeks there has been a string of bodies being dug up and molested at a local cemetery. The lads are working hard on the story, but instead of getting any cracks in the case, they are getting death threats. Eventually, they come upon some clues and notice that they all point towards one place...the White House!

Everything builds up to a climatic, belly-aching, knee-slappingly hilarious bedroom-to-bedroom sex romp chase at the White House. Bob and the first lady finally uniting in love, the secretary of state trying to chase Bob into her bed because she doesn't know that he's there with the first lady and our young heroes trying to chase down a shovel-carrying President, who is trying to avoid everyone!

Here's a sneak peek at the movie poster

Durango Fugitive

2005-06-02T11:45:00.000-07:00

Choose your own adventure: Fellaz...add on to this as you wish...take the story where it goes. Feel it.

Characters (feel free to add more):

Apolinario Sanderson - Main Character aka JETS
Catalina Vasquez - Mother of Apolinario
DeShaun Sanderson - Father of Apolinario
Danny Walkabout - Kitchen Manager "BDBs"
Jackrabbit Double G's - Disc Jockey at "BDBs"
Omega - Stripper at "BDBs"

Our main character Apolinario works at a mixed sex strip club as the dishwasher and fill in DJ. He is the son of Catalina Vasquez a daughter of Mexico and true loyalist to the rich history of their sacrificial culture - and DeShaun Sanderson, an African American fur trader who once lived in San Antonio. Apolinario is mulatto.

The opening will have him working his ass of at "BDBs" the dual staged strip club for both men and women. (BDB - Boobs, Dicks, Boobs). The shot will open on the gigantic BDBs sign, lit up and flashing like it was in the middle of auditioning for sign of the year on the Las Vegas Strip. The camera will swing down and enter the front door in a fast frame that flies the shot through the interior layout of the club as it is bustling on a Friday night. It goes through the mens dressing room, the women's dressing room (various sexual acts going on, coke, booze), the kictchen, and finally rests upon Apolinario washing dishes at a fevered pitch. Apolinario is the only honest worker in the entire joint. Trying to pay that rent, yet he also has a love for the human body and holds it in serious regard.

At its outset it's a normal Friday night, he figures he is going to start the evening dishwashing and towards the end of the night take over for Jackrabbit Double G's - the club's premier DJ who has a bad habbit for sex parties, extra tight holes, the white train, and leaving his shift early for aforementioned treats. However, tonight there are celebs in the club, so it is extra busy. Apolinario has pretty much only one coworker that will give him the time of day. A beautiful stripper named Omega took a liking to him his first week and dubbed him JETS. She will swing by twice a shift to say hello and find out how things with Jets are going. Jets likes Omega a lot, not yet in a sexual way due to the fact that he has seen her naked probably 2000 times, but she is different and he feels like he can open up to her. She has a tattoo of a wolf with a bandanna battling an bowie knife on her shoulder. Her absolute favorite drink is a "Salty Dog"...

The Old Man

2005-06-02T06:23:00.000-07:00

I wrote this down as an outline about two years ago, while living in Dalton. I thought Rippy could play the title character, an older man who loved too passionately. After telling the story to a friend I realized that it sounded like The Old Man and the Sea, which I’ve never read, but with a rug instead of a fish, or water, or whatever. Maybe I mean to say it’s more like Moby Dick?

Anyway, it starts the Old Man walking down the sidewalk of a busy four-lane road, the sort of thoroughfare you exit onto from the interstate. He goes into a Burger King, orders a meal, and asks Rosalita, the middle-aged Hispanic woman at the register, to join him. She tells him to wait a few minutes. He sits down, starts to eat. Rosalita comes and sits with him on her break. He’s been doing this every night for two weeks, since first arriving in this town. Something about Rosalita calls out to him, maybe the patchwork of creases on her dry face, or the coarse hands that suggest her hardscrabble life. Anyway, it’s obvious that he’s in love.

As they talk, the Old Man tells Rosalita about his previous jobs, each one an example of how he loves too passionately. In the 1970’s he was a roadie for Emerson Lake and Palmer, specifically Greg Lake’s rug roadie. Lake had a $6000 rug that he stood on every night during his bass solos, and he kept the Old Man on staff to insure the rug got taken care of. At first just another job, the Old Man quickly came to love this rug, passionately and resolutely. The rug became the main focus of his existence. He’d never leave the rug’s side, except for the three hours or so a night that Lake and the rug were on-stage. He’d load it off the bus and clutch it tightly to his chest until time came to lay it upon the stage. When the concert ended, the Old Man was the first roadie out, rolling up that rug and drawing it deep against his bosom. He gave up drinking and drugging with the other roadies, eschewed residual groupie action and the crazed excesses of the late ‘70’s arena-rock life. He stopped riding in the body of the bus, preferring to sleep in the cargo hold with the rug. The rug consumed his entire being. As the tour wound down, he began to realize that he and the rug would be separated, perhaps forever. One night he tried to abscond from the tour, with his precious rug in tow; he was found out, however, and an unsympathetic Lake fired him. Lake didn’t even let the Old Man say goodbye to the rug. A part of the Old Man died that day, perhaps the greatest part.

Before his roadie job he was a soldier in World War II, a carnival wrestler in Blackpool, and, at 13, the youngest member of Parliament.

I have no idea what happens at that Burger King. He probably wins a free Whopper, or breakfast sandwich, or something.

the unwanted : second post addendum

2005-06-02T06:05:00.000-07:00

The actual unwanted will be a weird, cloud-like mass of spectral baby ghosts. Did you see the Hulk movie? remember when Nick Nolte inexplicably turned into a giant red jellyfish-looking brain-thing at the end? it'll look kind of like that, but will be composed of distinct baby / fetal-looking apparitions. basically it'll be a giant fetus-looking thing composed of dozens of smaller fetus ghosts. they come for the mothers, speak to them in a creepy baby voice, and then engulf and suffocate them. maybe we can get somebody famous to do the unwanted's voice(s).

the unwanted : second post

2005-05-29T09:08:00.000-07:00

Here's a quick synopsis of "The Unwanted" and the franchise it will spawn. These are some of the first notes Dark had, but if you like it check back later on this week because I believe he will post more in-depth details and possibly the opening scene.

The two main characters will be a hardened, grizzled, born-again cop and a devout woman who runs a Bible shop but has a deep, dark secret. He's a widower, her husband left her. They meet, start to fall in love (romantic not sexual), all while he is investigating a rash of prostitute murders. At one point he connects the dots - all these prostitutes have had abortions! Then they widen the net of the investigation, and realize that there are other unexplained murders that involve women who have had abortions. They start to see the ghosts. The ghosts come for the lead actress. We find out that she herself had had an abortion when she was young, and her guilt is what lead to her devout worship. The movie ends with her offering herself up as a sacrifice to the unwanted. She dies, but in her death her baby is reborn - and the cop takes care of it. Her symbolic act brings an end to the reign of the unwanted.

At first they seem like bad guys - the unwanted - but you realize that these women all get what's coming to them - from the completely wrong and fucked up perspective of hardline anti-abortionevangelical fundamentalists, of course. It'll be a giant fetus-looking thing composed of dozens of smaller fetus ghosts. They come for the mothers, speak to them in a creepy baby voice, and then engulf and suffocate them. Sequels will happen, with the unwanted taking something of the hero position - sort of like how Godzilla becomes the hero in the sequels instead of the monster.

If we do this right, we will be repulsed at ourselves for writing something like this.

Fucking Blind

2005-05-27T08:34:00.000-07:00

Here's one from Rippy and myself ripped straight from today's headlines:

(AP-Viagra-Blindness URGENT
A spokeswoman says the F-D-A is still investigating the reports and has no evidence that the drug is to blame. )

Crumpler Wilson is a man that most would envy. He is one of the world's finest pilots, has looks to kill for and a bank account large enough to fill most tropical islands. There's only one problem....he's trying to shoot pool with a rope. Yup, that's right, he can't please the ladies. Thanks to modern medicine though, Crumpler is able to fix his problem just by popping a couple of viagras. The next five years of his life are pure bliss. Girls galore, high class piloting jobs and a brand new penthouse apartment in the sky.

Then something strange happens. Crumpler awakes one morning after a night of triple-teaming women from the Brazilian soccer team and discovers he can't see. The women take him to the doctor who informs him that years of viagra intake has left him blind. The doc explains the situation can be easily fixed; all he needs to do is stop taking viagra and he will regain his sight. This decision, however, is not an easy one for Crumpler. He decides to sleep on it by sleeping with the Brazilian women's soccer team again. After realizing sex is just as good blind, he decides to stick with the viagra.

Blind, but still fucking, Crumpler keeps his good life rolling along. He still enjoys the luxurious penthouse suite, expensive meals and top notch hookers, but does not realize that all the while these women are robbing him. Over the years his large bank account slowly dwindles down until he can only afford the nickel and dime crack whore in the alleyway. Broke, Blind and now a Bum, Crumpler decides to give up viagra and go back to piloting.

At first it is hard for Crump to find a job because he has been out of the game so long, but since he used to be the best the White House hires him on as a co-pilot for Air Force One. Crumpler doesn't like the idea of being a co-pilot, but realizes it is an opportunity he can not pass up. He must go through months and months of training, but someday will get to be head pilot. Then, during one of his training flights, Air Force One starts to take a nose dive. The pilot is freaking out, Bush is in the back puking his guts up, Laura is crying...all hell is breaking loose. This is when Crumpler takes control. He pushes the pilot out of the way, grabs the wheel and pulls Air Force One back up towards the clouds right before it collides into Mount Rushmore.

All is saved. Things begin to calm down and members of the crew begin coming into the cockpit to thank Crumpler. The last member of the crew is a beautiful stewardess who begins unbuttoning his pants. Crumpler begins to tell her not to waste her time, but before he does she undoes his pants and reveals the biggest boner of all time. Crumpler bursts into tears of joys and receives the best blowjob of his life.

The closing scene is Bush walking into the cockpit to thank Crumpler only to see him getting blown. Upon witnessing this Bush begins puking again, but this time it is uncontrollable, he is puking all over himself, Laura and Air Force One. The movie then fades with the plane doing loopty-loops into the sunset.

the unwanted : first post

2005-05-27T07:45:00.000-07:00

Years ago I was talking to Jeff Griggs about those bad Christian movies that get publicized so heavily by TBN and those odd fundamentalist networks and websites, stuff like Left Behind and the Omega Code, etc. @e talked about how it seemed like easy money, and then had an idea for a movie - The Unwanted. A Christian, anti-abortion horror/thriller in which the ghosts of aborted babies come back and kill their mothers. The idea was shelved for a year or so, until Ice and I started talking about it late last summer. We came up with ideas for a few characters and a basic framework, but we never started writing it. Throughout today, and maybe into next week, we'll be putting up some of our plans for this thoroughly reprehensible film.

skull and bones

2005-05-25T08:32:00.000-07:00

the film opens with a close-up shot of a dank moist gutter which pulls back to reveal a dank moist street that looks like a street that jack le rip would sashay down in london, but it's actually a street in the city that yale is in. we see a skinny man grinning wryly (george w. bush) hurrying along the sidewalk and into an alley. he pushes through the garbage cans, tom cats, and bums sucking one another off, and approaches a splintery door that has one of those sliding peep-things that you would probably see in an episode of the sopranos. i'm speculating here since i've never seen that program. three quick knocks and the slider slides open to reveal a pair of glinty, demony eyes. "if you've got the skull, i've got the bone," george w. says while motioning toward his genital. this is the right thing to say because the slidey thing slides shut, and the macabre door creaks open with a sound effect from the "thriller" video. george w. walks in the musty room and approaches a stainless steel slab. there is a gross ol corpse on this slab. george grins wryly. ok - here is where the build-up ends and the necrophiliac porn begins. i'm not going to give the necro-erotic details here, though i will say that there is a cameo by a young bin laden, and i've never seen a more illegal VHS tape in my life.

CHILLED JUSTICE: episode one

2005-05-24T08:26:00.000-07:00

After George Burns in Hell died, Ice and I started work on a sequel, Chilled Justice. We wrote about fourteen pages. You can download the unfinished script here. By the way, Randolph was a bear.

Act one.

EXT. GRAVEYARD. DAYTIME.

Kip and Frank stand before a headstone. Frank is shoveling dirt onto the grave. After he dumps the dirt, Frank throws the shovel off to his side and rubs his hands together. The two stand still for a second, staring at the headstone. Frank walks over to his left and sits down, either on a bench or a log, or on the ground against a tree. He pulls out a cigarette, lights it, starts to smoke. Kip walks over.

KIP
So that’s it. Jack’s really dead..

FRANK
I buried him, didn’t I?

KIP
Yeah.

(beat)

KIP
Do you have enough money for a cab?

Frank nods.

FRANK
Where you wanna go?

KIP
The hospital.

CUT TO:

INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY.

Frank stands in the foreground, close to camera, on the left side. On screen right we see the hallway stretch out. Frank looks off to the right of the camera, at about a 33 degree angle. He doesn’t look happy, and there is no sound at all. Behind him, we see a figure walk out of a room at the end of the hallway, blurry and out of focus. As he gets closer we recognize Randolph. Randolph is wearing his scrubs, which may or may not be bloody. He walks up to Frank and puts a hand on Frank’s shoulder. We don’t hear what he says; we can tell by Frank’s face that Kip is dead.

CUT TO:

EXT. GRAVEYARD. DAYTIME.

Frank and Randolph stand in front of a different headstone. Like before, Frank finishes shoveling dirt on the grave. For a brief moment to the two old friends stand silently, paying their respect to their fallen roommate.

OPENING CREDITS

INT. FRANK’S BEDROOM.

Frank and his girlfriend Trenyce, both in their underwear, are sprawled out on Frank’s bed. Frank is smoking, the ashtray sitting on his chest. Frank glistens with intensity.

TRENYCE
I spoke to my dad tonight. He says he can pay you back next week.

Frank grunts. There’s a silence for a second.

FRANK
Good. My rent’s gone up.

TRENYCE
Why?

FRANK
Two of my roommates died.

Trenyce takes the cigarette from Frank’s hand and puts it to her lips.

TRENYCE
My cousin’s looking for a place.
He’s moving down here in a couple weeks.

FRANK
Does he have a job?

TRENYCE
He’s being transferred.

FRANK
What’s he do?

TRENYCE
He’s a cop.

Trenyce puts the butt out in the tray. Frank lights another cigarette.

FRANK
I gotta talk to Randolph first.

CUT TO:

INT. HOSPITAL COMISSARY.

Randolph stands in the cafeteria, staring at all the food behind the glass. Dr. Ice stands to his right.

RANDOLPH
This is the hardest part of my day.

DR. ICE
(fill in this line)

CUT TO:

EXT. PARK. DAYTIME.

Trenyce’s cousin, Cherry (played by DJ), tackles a criminal. Cherry holds him facedown against the ground and cuffs his hands behind his back.

CUT TO:

INT. CHERRY’S APARTMENT. NIGHTTIME.

Cherry unlocks his apartment door and walks inside. He drops his box of Chinese take-out on a counter and pushes the button on his answering machine. We hear a message from Trenyce.

TRENYCE (on answering machine)
Hey, Cherry, I think I found a place for you. Give me a call.

Cherry takes a sip from the cup in his hand, puts it down on the counter, and picks up his telephone. He dials Trenyce’s number and turns on his stereo as he waits for her to answer. He’s sliding a jazz cd in the stereo as he starts to talk. The cd should be the sort of thing Clint Eastwood would listen to, like Thelonius Monk or something.

CHERRY
Trenyce! How you doing?
(beat)
I’m alright. Doing well.
You found an apartment?
(beat)
Great. I’ll be flying in
tomorrow, getting in around three o’clock.
(beat)
That’s alright, I can take a cab.
(beat)
I’ll call you from the hotel.
Yeah, have a good night.
(beat)
You too.

Cherry hangs up the phone. He picks the take-out box up from the counter, sits down on the couch, puts the food on the coffee table, and starts to eat. The camera lingers on him longer than is comfortable.

CUT TO:

INT. CAFÉ. DAYTIME.

Frank and his mother sit across from each other at a table. Food and drink items sit in front of them. Frank’s mom is an attractive, professional looking, middle-aged woman. There is great tension between the two of them. They have an argument about something. Frank’s mom throws water in Frank’s face. Frank silently wipes the water off his face, and stands up quickly.

FRANK
Mother, I’d appreciate it if you stopped trying to see me.

Frank turns and starts to walk out.

FRANK’S MOM
Is this it? You plan on abandoning me?

Frank turns around sharply. His face ripples with anger.

FRANK (accusingly)
Like you abandoned father?

Close up on Frank’s mother, still sitting down, looking shocked and appalled and aghast and thoroughly taken aback. Frank strides confidently out of the café.

CUT TO:

INT. HOSPITAL LOCKER ROOM.

Randolph stands in front of an open locker, a bag sitting in front of him. He is naked except for a towel rapped around his waist. He has just taken a shower after getting off work, and is combing his hair. Dr. Ice walks up, also wearing nothing but a towel. His hair and back are wet. They nod to each other, say hey maybe, as Dr. Ice opens up his locker. Ice applies some deodorant and begins to talk.

DR. ICE
Some of us were going to go out and get a drink later on.
(beat)
I don’t know, maybe you’d want to come.

RANDOLPH
Thanks, but I can’t.

Dr. Ice continues to look directly at Randolph, with a sort of “tell me the truth” expression. Randolph hasn’t turned around; is still facing the locker and not Dr. Ice. He is now packing some clothes up in his bag.

RANDOLPH
I have too much work to take care of at home.

DR. ICE
Randolph, we’re worried, man. You’re always working.
You never slow down, never take a vacation. If you don’t watch it,
you’re gonna fall apart some day.

RANDOLPH
I can handle it.

DR. ICE
Can you? What are you trying to prove?
Why do you push yourself so hard?

Randolph slams the locker door shut and turns around dramatically. He looks directly into Dr. Ice’s eyes. He speaks with passion, not anger or irritation.

RANDOLPH
Because somebody’s got to do it.

Randolph turns around, picks up his bag, and walks off. Dr. Ice stands silently, looking shocked, and perhaps slightly in awe.

CUT TO:

INT. BAGGAGE CLAIM. AIRPORT. AFTERNOON.

Cherry stands at the baggage claim, watching the luggage spin around. He grabs his bag as it approaches and turns to walk out.

CUT TO:

INT. AIRPORT ENTRANCEWAY. AFTERNOON.

Cherry walks swiftly and confidently through the entrance.

CUT TO:

EXT. AIRPORT. THAT AREA WHERE ALL THE CARS DROP PEOPLE OFF AND SHIT. AFT.

Cherry walks up, sticks out his arm, and yells “Taxi!”

CUT TO:

INT. FRANK’S HOUSE. LIVING ROOM. AFTERNOON.

Frank is writing some deeply personal and meaningful thoughts into his journal. They are most likely about his mother. Suddenly a shot rings out, startling Frank.

CUT TO:

EXT. FRANK’S HOUSE. AFTERNOON.

Frank walks out through the front door, gunshots continuing. There are five gunshots total. Frank sees Cherry kneeling down behind Frank’s car, his gun drawn and pointed toward a body that’s face-down on the pavement. Cherry stands up and walks over to the body. Frank walks up to Cherry silently. A hot dog lies on the ground near the victim’s right hand. The only gun in sight is the one in Cherry’s hand. Cherry lightly touches the body with his foot; there are no signs of life.

CHERRY (to Frank, w/o looking at him)
He had a gun.

Frank looks at Cherry.

CHERRY
Looks like he had a hot dog, too.
(beat)
Is that your car?

FRANK
Yeah.

CHERRY
Could you give me a hand?

Cherry kneels down and grabs the body by the shoulders. Frank pauses for a second, then grabs the body’s feet. They lift the body up.

CUT TO:

EXT. FRANK’S HOUSE –DRIVEWAY. AFTERNOON.

Cherry and Frank drop the body into the open trunk of Frank’s car. Cherry shuts the trunk.

CHERRY
Is there a creek or river nearby? Maybe a garbage dump?

Frank nods.

CUT TO:

EXT. ROADSIDE. AFTERNOON.

Frank’s car drives by, with Cherry driving and Frank riding shotgun.

CUT TO:

EXT. ROADSIDE. LATE AFTERNOON.

The same stretch of road as before, but noticeably later. This time Frank is driving, and Cherry has his feet out the window.

CUT TO:

EXT. FRANK’S HOUSE. LATE AFTERNOON.

Frank’s car pulls up. Frank and Cherry are sitting in car.

CHERRY
You live here?

FRANK
Yeah.

CHERRY
I’m your new roommate. Name’s Cherry.

FRANK
Frank.

CHERRY
You’re Trenyce’s guy.

FRANK
Yes.

CHERRY
Let’s see she doesn’t hear about this.

FRANK
Of course.

CHERRY (as he gets out of car)
Alright. So where am I sleeping?

CUT TO:

INT. CHERRY'S BEDROOM. LATE AFTERNOON.

Frank shows Cherry into his new bedroom.

FRANK
Here it is.

Cherry walks in, throws his bag down, lies down on the bed, bounces on it a little bit, and stands back up.

CHERRY
Trenyce said your roommate died.

FRANK
Two of them.

Cherry nods.

CHERRY (looking off to the side)
A lot of people die in this city.

Cherry turns head and looks at Frank.

CHERRY
So where's the bad part of town?

CUT TO:

EXT. THE BAD PART OF TOWN. LATE AFTERNOON.

Frank drives his car, Cherry in shotgun, riding through the bad part of town.

CUT TO:

INT. CAR. LATE AFTERNOON.

FRANK
What are we looking for?

CHERRY
Just drive. When I tell you to stop, pull over and leave it running. And keep the blinkers off.

They drive on for a few moments, then come near an alley or intersection or something. Cherry nods and says okay. Frank pulls the car over; Cherry turns to Frank, points his finger at him firmly, and presses same finger against his own lips in the “shhhh” formation without making a noise. Cherry opens the door and slides out.

EXT. BAD PART OF TOWN.

Cherry steps out of car, arches shoulders back quickly, and spits to his side. He cricks his neck and swaggers into the alley.

INT. CAR.

Frank sits alone in the humming car. He motions to fiddle with the radio when his cellphone suddenly rings. He pats around in his pockets until he finds the phone and answers it.

FRANK
Hello?
(beat)
(disappointed) Hey, dad.
(beat)
No, we had lunch.
(beat)
Yeah, she was just being a bitch about everything.
(beat)
I didn’t say anything.
(beat)
Well…
(beat)
I said something about her leaving you.

Cherry comes running out of the alley, back towards the car. He quickly opens the door, jumps in the car, slams the door. For a brief moment he sits quietly, contentedly. Abruptly he turns towards Frank and yells “Go!!!”. Frank hangs up on his dad and peels away.

Act two.

INT. FRANK’S HOUSE. LATE AFTERNOON / EARLY EVENING.

Randolph enters the house. He looks very weary. Something slow and maybe sad plays on the soundtrack. Randolph walks into his bedroom and takes off his scrubs. He then heads to the liquor cabinet and pours himself some Scotch. He rubs his eyes and slinks down into a chair. Randolph is worn out. Frank and Cherry enter; Cherry quickly shuts and locks the door behind them.

CHERRY
Are there any back or side doors?

FRANK
The back door’s locked. What’s going on?

RANDOLPH
Frank, who is this guy?

CHERRY
(to Rand, cheery, amiable) Hey, I’m your roommate, nice to meet you.
(to Frank, suddenly serious and Jack Bauer-esque) Frank, what was your old roommate’s name?

FRANK
Kip?

CHERRY
No, the other one.

FRANK
Jack.

CHERRY
Right. Has his room been cleaned out?

FRANK
His parents picked everything up.

CHERRY
Everything? Nothing of his is still here?

RANDOLPH
This chair was his.

FRANK
And that Spider-Man blanket.

CHERRY
Okay. I need to look at those. In his room. Is his room mine?

FRANK
No, we turned that into the trophy room.

CHERRY
(to Frank) Take me to it.
(to Randolph) Randolph, I called Trenyce, and she‘s on her way over here.
When she gets here, turn these lights off, and go to your room, or the basement.

RANDOLPH
What’s going on?

CHERRY
I know who killed Jack Epps, and they’re going to be here soon.

FRANK
But Jack died of shingles.

CHERRY
That’s what they made it look like, alright. Now where’s that room?

FRANK
Follow me.

Cherry and Frank leave the living room. Randolph takes a sip from his glass, and picks up the phone.

CUT TO:

INT. JACK’S OLD ROOM. NOW A TROPHY ROOM.

Frank and Cherry enter Jack’s old room. It is filled with various trophies. The only other object in the room is a soiled old mattress lying on the floor. Cherry walks up to the mattress and kneels next to it.

CHERRY
And this is where you found him?

FRANK
When?

CHERRY
This is where you found Jack’s body.

FRANK
No.

Cherry stands up.

CHERRY
Okay. Was he lying…
(Cherry lies down on mattress)
Like this…
(beat)
Or was he lying…
(Cherry lies on mattress in a different manner)
Like this?

FRANK
Neither. He went for a check-up and wound up in the hospital.

CHERRY
Okay.

FRANK
And after a few days he died.

CHERRY
Right. So how long did the body lie here?

FRANK
It didn’t. That isn’t even his mattress.

CHERRY
(knowingly)
Isn’t it though?

FRANK
No.

CHERRY
(laughs, slaps Frank on back)
You’d make one hell of a detective, Frank!

FRANK
Look, what happened back there? In the bad part of town?

CHERRY
I got some information.

FRANK
About Jack?

CHERRY
You could say that.

FRANK
What does that mean? Either you did or you didn’t.

CHERRY
Frank, trust me - it’s all coming together.

Frank looks at Cherry with great intensity.

CUT TO:

LIVING ROOM. NIGHT.

Randolph opens the door, and Trenyce is there.

TRENYCE
Randolph!

RANDOLPH
Trenyce!

TRENYCE
What’s going on? Cherry told me to come as soon as I could.

RANDOLPH
Cherry thinks somebody killed Jack.

TRENYCE
Who?

RANDOLPH
Cherry knows, but he won’t say who. He might be in this house, but I haven’t seen him yet.

TRENYCE
Cherry?

RANDOLPH
No, the killer.

TRENYCE
Why haven’t you seen the killer yet? Is he a ghost?

RANDOLPH
I don’t think he’s a ghost.

TRENYCE
I hate ghosts. How did this house become so haunted?

RANDOLPH
I don’t know, but Cherry wants us to go down to the basement, and turn all the lights off.

TRENYCE
Let’s get in the hot tub.

RANDOLPH
We don‘t have a hot tub.

TRENYCE
Cherry’s hotel does. Let’s go to his hotel.

RANDOLPH
Okay.

Them Giles Boys: Drugs is Bad Edition (Part 1)

2005-05-24T08:11:00.000-07:00

My brother and I made two installments of a comic strip about Marcus and Brian Giles occasionally fighting crime. I wrote scripts for a few more that were never drawn. Here's the first of a planned five-part anti-drug series.

panel 1.
Marcus rushes into the kitchen, where Brian sits at a table, eating a sandwich. Marcus says, “These streets are filled with drugs!”.

Panel 2.
Close-up of drugs in Marcus’s hand

Panel 3.
Brian is standing left of panel, gritting his teeth, looking at drugs in Marcus’s hand. Marcus is on the right. Brian says “Where did you get these?” Marcus answers, “the streets! They’re filled with ‘em!”

Panel 4.
They’re on the streets. Little kids lie drugged up on the sidewalk. Marcus says “look at all these kids!”
Brian says “Damnit…”

Panel 5.
Close up on Brian’s tense face. He squints like Clint Eastwood and says “… the only thing I hate more than hugs is drugs.”

Panel 6.
Marcus holds up a kid by the t-shirt. The kid looks drugged up – smiles lazily, eyes twirling around. He wears a shirt that says “I (heart) drugs”. Marcus says, “It’s Petey, the Batboy!”

Panel 7.
Brian is holding Petey up by the shoulders. Brian asks Petey, “Petey, who gave you these drugs?” Petey says, “Mr. C!” Make this a side-view, with Brian on the left, Petey on the right.

Panel 8.
Marcus holds Petey up against a wall, holding him up by the front of his t-shirt.Marcus says to Petey – “Mr. C? Who is he? Where can we find him?” Reverse image of previous panel – Petey on the left, Marcus on the right.

Panel 9.
Petey, alone in panel, points to a hotel that’s behind him. Petey says, “He’s in that hotel”.

Panel 10.
Same viewpoint as panel 9 – petey alone with hotel in background. Petey grabs his head and says “Oh dude – I’m dying…”

Panel 11.
Petey lies on sidewalk, dead. Marcus kneels next to him, holding up Petey’s head. Marcus looks up at Brian and says, “He’s dead, Brian! The drugs killed Petey!”

Panel 12.
close-up of Brian, similar to panel 5. He says “One-nothing, drugs.”

Panel 13.
Brian, on the right side of the panel, looks like he’s about to start running. He’s pointing at the hotel. Marcus stands on the left side of the panel. Brian says, “C’mon, little brother – we’ve got to go hit one drug-dealer out of the park!” Put a little “to be continued!” box at the bottom of this panel.

Battlefield Jim

2005-05-24T05:03:00.000-07:00

Here's the deal; Jim Morrison never died. While on tour with the Doors in South America, he went out partying with some locals one night and they took him to the legendary Fountain of Youth. Upon his arrival back home he decided to leave the public eye and spend the rest of his life in the town of the Fountain of Youth. Jim moved down there with a bunch of friends where they spent years and years being youthful and merry. All was superb until the news program, "Wild on E!", did a show on the town. In the show they showed Jim jamming with his bar band and then overnight the town became one of the world's hottest spots.

At first the town's new tourism business was making everyone happy, but soon the mayor and the police realized they were powerless. Jim was the town's king shit and one of the few left who knew the location of the legendary Fountain of Youth. As the town begins to fill and the legend of Jim's youth grows and grows the aging mayor and police chief start making plans to fight Jim and win back their town. The problem is...they don't know how to fight Jim, he has too many friends and fans on his side. Then the town officials get a little help from an old colleague of Jim's, Ray Manzarek from the Doors. Dude is fucking pissed. Jim has been screwing him out of potential money for all these years, so Ray comes down to the town to sue the pants off of Jim. At first Ray goes directly to Jim, who just pisses on the lawsuit, but then Ray hits up a deal with the mayor and police chief. Jim is arrested, tried (HUGE INTENSE COURTROOM SCENE) and sentenced to jail. Fans start leaving the town and things begin to quiet back down.

Alone and depressed in jail Jim makes friends with his cellmate, a weird man named Paleo. Paleo explains he's in jail because the town's people were scared of him. Jim asks why and Paleo turns into a werewolf and begins gnawing on Jim's arm ( Thus begins Jim's amazing CG transformation into a werewolf) He and Paleo go into a full-on werewolf shit-tossing rampage. They break out of jail, kill the town's mayor and police chief, rape sheep, rape each other, eat a fuck load of Doors fans and then wind down by making love under the moon. The newly free werewolf Jim decides to celebrate and holds a huge concert in the middle of town. Everyone is there and loving it and after the show Jim and Paleo are chilling with some beers and smokes when Ray comes up and tries to shoot Jim. (word has gotten out about the werewolves, so yeah, silver bullets) Ray sucks though, he misses Jim but hits Paleo. Paleo is dying on the ground and Ray is about to blow Jim away, but Jim starts fast talking. They strike up a deal; Ray will let Jim live if he takes him to the Fountain of Youth and gets the band back together. They head to the Fountain of Youth with Jim rushing with his new lover Paleo to try and save his life. Jim, Paleo and Ray arrive at the Fountain and just before Paleo drinks from it an array of bullets fly through him and Jim. It's a young police officer who has been on their trail since they broke out of jail and killed his boss. Ray laughs at Jim's dying body and then goes to take a drink from the fountain, but the cop shoots him too because he doesn't want anymore hippies in his town.

Location: Dance Party!

2005-05-23T04:33:00.000-07:00

This show is going to rule about as hard as a rock. It's the public access version of MTV's "The Grind". Instead of taking place in a club though, it takes place everywhere. The beach one week, the woods the next one, the pool....fools just dancing everywhere. The only problem might be the lack of girls, but the best episodes are probably going to be the ones with just Me and Rippy in my bedroom.

Rebel Heaven

2005-05-23T03:43:00.000-07:00

This is a modern day remake of "Glory" which takes place in the clouds. I've never seen "Glory" before, but know its got some fighting in it.

Curtis, a young gang member, is shot to death after he jumps in front of his brother during a drive-by shooting. This act of love makes up for his life of sin and allows him an entrance into heaven. Once there he starts living the heaven that he has always realized. He lays on clouds, smokes, drinks and has a ton of bitches to tend to his every need. Things seem to be going along swimmingly, but then some of the saints and angles begin to object to his treatment of women as objects. God confronts Curtis and tells him that he can no longer have bitches in heaven because everyone must be treated equally.

Needless to say, Curtis is no longer living in his heaven. He's pissed, but soon gets some help from an unexpected place. Luke the Apostle, the patron saint of bachelors, has of course always had a thing for the ladies and the ladies for him. St. Luke and Curtis get together and Luke explains how they can separate from heaven. They rally up some people who have the same ideals as them and they succeed and form a separate heaven. God and the real heaven are pissed and a war breaks out between the two heavens. The civil war lasts for many hard and intense years until one fateful night when a rapper and roomful of groupies are gunned down in a nightclub. These groupies love sexing, drinking and all the good things that come with the Rebel Heaven lifestyle. Naturally, since they share the same ideals of heaven, an agreement is made, God allows them and the rebel heaven to rejoin. All rejoice.